~~ Hurricane Preparations ~~
Posted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 3:31 pm
~~ HURRICANE PREPARATIONS ~~
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations but in case you need a
refresher course here are some suggestions:
We have entered the peak of the hurricane season. Right now, you can turn
on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the
Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the
area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility
that we'll get hit by "THE BIG ONE". Based on our insurance industry experiences,
we recommend that you follow this simple three step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most
people will foolishly stay here in Florida. Others will die en route to Nebraska.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might
actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to
sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainty not why they got into the insurance business
in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company
which will charge you an exorbitant annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house. Also at any moment this company can drop
you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the
doors. There are several types of shutters with advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS. The advantage is that because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. Disadvantage: Termites LOVE plywood.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS. The advantage is that these work well once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps and it will be December.
ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS. The advantages are that they're very easy to use and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE-PROOF WINDOWS. These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection. They look like ordinary windows but they can withstand hurricane
winds! You can be sure of this because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY.
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for moveable objects like barbecue
grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool. (If you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately.) Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE.
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having
an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So as a bonus
you will not be lonely!
HURRICANE SUPPLIES.
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!
Florida tradition requires that you wait until the very last possible minute
then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over
who gets the last can of can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you
will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of
batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for
the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A big knife
you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane but it looks
cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Andrew; after the hurricane there WILL be irate
alligators. Everywhere.) $35,000 in cash and diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is
vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the
ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody
to stay away from the ocean. Good luck, and remember it's great living in
PARADISE!
You all should be aware of hurricane preparations but in case you need a
refresher course here are some suggestions:
We have entered the peak of the hurricane season. Right now, you can turn
on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob down in the
Caribbean and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the
area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility
that we'll get hit by "THE BIG ONE". Based on our insurance industry experiences,
we recommend that you follow this simple three step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,
statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most
people will foolishly stay here in Florida. Others will die en route to Nebraska.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic
requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Wisconsin.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might
actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to
sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainty not why they got into the insurance business
in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company
which will charge you an exorbitant annual premium roughly equal to the
replacement value of your house. Also at any moment this company can drop
you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and all the
doors. There are several types of shutters with advantages and disadvantages:
PLYWOOD SHUTTERS. The advantage is that because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. Disadvantage: Termites LOVE plywood.
SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS. The advantage is that these work well once you
get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps and it will be December.
ROLL-DOWN SHUTTERS. The advantages are that they're very easy to use and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell
your house to pay for them.
HURRICANE-PROOF WINDOWS. These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection. They look like ordinary windows but they can withstand hurricane
winds! You can be sure of this because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY.
As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for moveable objects like barbecue
grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution,
throw these items into your swimming pool. (If you don't have a swimming pool,
you should have one built immediately.) Otherwise, the hurricane winds will
turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE.
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area,look at your driver's
license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having
an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm
hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from
your home along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So as a bonus
you will not be lonely!
HURRICANE SUPPLIES.
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now!
Florida tradition requires that you wait until the very last possible minute
then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over
who gets the last can of can of cat food. In addition to food and water, you
will need the following supplies: 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of
batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for
the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY
knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A big knife
you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane but it looks
cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Andrew; after the hurricane there WILL be irate
alligators. Everywhere.) $35,000 in cash and diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is
vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your
television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the
ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody
to stay away from the ocean. Good luck, and remember it's great living in
PARADISE!
A-1