I felt compelled to share and pass along a bit of advice for all of you “Eunuch Wantabees.” From the time I entered my twenties I abused my testicles and fantasized about castration daily. It consumed me and possessed me. The severity got worse each passing year. I cut my scrotum open hundreds of times, had play castration fantasies for years, & eventually cut my scrotum completely in half vertically. I did this over a fifteen-year period. Then when I turned forty, the thought of castration grew even stronger. I attempted castrating myself repeatedly. I even tried to get a close female co-worker to help me. She refused, though she talked to me about it frequently. I told her I couldn’t stop thinking about getting castrated. She suggested going to a psychiatrist, but I refused. She then suggested that I see a doctor, and I did, but he was not much and he wanted me to see a shrink. Again I refused. All this time I continued to attempt castration. Finally, one fall morning in 1997, I woke up dreaming about being castrated. I calmly walked downstairs, got out the sharpest knife I could find, and boiled it and then cut open my scrotum exposing my left testicle. I pulled it out and slowly cut through the cord. I was so euphoric I hardly felt any pain. I did feel an odd sensation when I cut through the cord. Then it fell to the floor with a small thud. I’d done it, but then the blood came and I ended up in the emergency room (without the testicle). Needless to say, I was considered a mental case and my life turned upside down and has never been the same. But that didn’t stop me. Since I hadn’t completed my castration, eventually my fantasy’s returned. My remaining testicle started to make up for the lost testosterone production, and my castration fantasy’s returned. I finally tied off this remaining testicle last year, destroying it. I had achieved my goal, but I was not ready for what happened next. During the night I woke up suddenly feeling awful. I went to the bathroom, but my penis had already shrunk. I was startled and scared. I had a sizzling sensation in my chest and my pecs/breasts hurt. I couldn’t sleep and the insomnia was killing me.

After a few days I went to my doctor. He stated that my remaining testicle was exceedingly small and had probably atrophied. Blood tests confirmed that my testosterone level was only 70 ml/ng(?). He told me that I was essentially testosterone deficient and needed testosterone replacement therapy. However, due to my previous history, he was afraid of what I might do once my testosterone levels were restored to normal. I had to agree with him, even though I was castrated, what would I do? More abuse? Would I dismember my member? So we agreed to try a low dose therapy and I’ve been on a low dose of testosterone for about a year. I’m not especially happy. I have more breast tissue then I want. My penis has shrunk and sometimes it’s hard to find. I can get an erection, but nothing like before. It’s not that rigid nor is it very sensitive. I’m also a lot less sexual, which in a way is good, but I miss having a powerful orgasm. Now I’ve told you this true story in order to help you, so that you don’t end up like me. I’m not happy in my current condition. I wish I had done something to prevent my castration. I wish I had seen a shrink. I hope you’ll take my advice, castration, even with testosterone supplementation, is nothing like the real thing. If you keep abusing your balls and fantasizing about castration, you’ll end up like me and might regret it. Now some men are comfortable as Eunuchs, more power to them. But you must find out for sure if your one of these men before it’s too late.

I’m not sure what causes some of us to idolize and focus on getting castrated. There are plenty of theories. Some think that it might be a fight for dominance between our estrogen production and testosterone production. Some think that it’s a quirk inside of us, a mental dysphoria. Some think it might even be demonic. I personally don’t know why I fantasized about castration all those years, but if I could have my balls back, I think I’d see a psychiatrist. It’s definitely not normal to cut yourself and abuse your balls.

Suggestion #1 – AS you’ve been told on this sight time an time again, try castration out before you’re actually castrated. Ask your doctor, press him or her, to put you on Estrogen or a Testosterone blocker so you can experience the real effects of castration. It’ll help you decide if it’s right for you.

Suggestion #2 – Some men who attempted castration on their own, myself included, ended up in the emergency room with great loss of blood. Many of us have almost died. Don’t take matters into your own hands. See doctor Kimmel if you’re really serious about getting castrated. It’s the safest way. He’ll put you out and you can fantasize about it, and when you wake up, you’ll be a eunuch.

Suggestion #3 – If you decide that you want to keep your testicles, but can’t resist torturing or abusing them. You might try what “Tess” did without going through complete transsexual surgery. Tess was afraid of losing her sexual sensation, so she had her plastic surgeon move her testicles inside of her. You can read her story on “jenellerose.com” the article is entitled: “Meet Tess: A Dance of Scalpel & Soul.” Most urologists don’t want to remove testicles, but they may move them your testicles, placing them inside of you. You could also get your scrotum removed. In essence you’d appear to be castrated, but you wouldn’t lose your sexuality or your ability to have powerful orgasms. This is a drastic alternative, but if you’re abusing yourself and dreaming about castration daily, this might be for you.

I think this is a very important posting. In my view, it is crucial (not merely in relation to castration, but other things as well) to distinguish between the world of fantasy and the world of reality. That does not mean that castration isn't the right -- even the best, evan an almost indispensable -- solution for some men, but it also means that wannabes (such as myself) should very carefully examine what it is that they really want in the world of reality before passing over there from the world of fantasy. One reason I don't currently plan on being castrated (despite intense castration fantasies) is that as a wannabe I can dream about it every day, while it can only be done once. Again, no offense or criticism intended for those who have found real castration the answer, but it's hard to go wrong following the Ancient Greek advice: "Know Thyself."

I would definitely recommend taking Androcur or some other chemical castration drug to make sure you can handle most of the effects of castration before going thru with it.

I have been on Androcur since July 20, 2003 and I love the effects, my penis has shrunk some, balls have also shrunk some, I like not having much of a sex drive, I still have a strong desire to do modifications to myself and my genitals and still ocassionally like to abuse them. Although the abuse part has deminished drastically in the last year.

I can say for myself after being on Androcur I felt more at peace with myself, I loved the results but the desire to finish the job has actually increased since I have been on the Androcur.

As many of you may have remembered I did attempt to castrate myself and that was after being on Androcur for 4 months. I still have the constant desire to finish the job myself, but am looking into other options right now. Haveing the hope I will find a cutter in the near future is what is keeping me from attempting it myself right now.

Yeah I do recognize that a cutter is not the best option, but due to finincial issues, no real time off of work (I can take time off but will not get paid), and dealing with so many incompetent doctors (I no longer have faith in doctors) I have choosen that route. I still want to do it myself, and I am sure I could complete the task but would probably wind back up in the hospital. I figure with a compentent cutter and my skill and knowledge I have a very low chance of having problems.

I have weighed the risks and feel OK with this route, and you may not agree but it is MY LIFE and I can do what I want with it.

My story is similar to Hash's except that I did see a psychiatrist after an emergency room visit for attempted castration. The psychiatrist immediately gave me Celexa, an SSRI (like Prozac), and the transformation was incredible! I had had a daily routine of crushing my testicles first thing when I woke up, visiting dominatrixes weekly, injecting all sorts of junk into the testicles, etc. After starting Celexa I was almost immediately "cured". The change occurred over only two days. In the two years since I started Celexa, I have only hurt myself once. My testicles are quite damaged from the years of abuse, but otherwise I feel very healthy -- I get to enjoy being manly without being at the mercy of my own testosterone.

I definitely suggest that before you even start hormonal castration that you see if a seratonin drug can help you. It does not help everyone, but it saved my life.

Psychiatrists can vary in their helpfulness. My suggestion is to lead them toward treating you as having a paraphilia -- i.e. a sexual addiction. This is legitimate and SSRI drugs are now quite widely used in their treatment.

Hope this helps!

Hello Hash,

I am writing to let you know, that somehow I can't help to feel partly responsible. I say this because of the letter you wrote me a while back. I'm sure you remember that. I am sorry to hear about all you have been through. I cannot begin to imagine all of the pain and misery you have felt in your life. And I know a lot of people have been through this type of pain in there life also. I really think that this is so good of you to share this with everyone. And give them the best advice. But I really hope that me not being able to be there with you, didn't cause you to finish the job you started. Again, I am so, so sorry that I could not be there for you. My hubby would have never let me go. And for that I am truely sorry. I hope everything turns out for the good for you.

Yours truely, Lilac

Well I was placed on Zoloft back in Feb. 2003 before I ever started Androcur. Zoloft is another SSRI drug used to treat depression. The problem I had is that Zoloft kept my sex drive but got rid of my ability to relieve myself. I also had problems sleeping, lack of concentration and lack of motivation.

I did manage to slowly wean myself off of it after 3 mnths and 2 months later I started Androcur which for me helped my lower/rid myself of the sex drive that I really had been looking forward to. I also it helped my with depression and mood swings.

Everyone is different, you may have luck with Zoloft or another SSRI, but having the sex drive and not being able to relieve myself I was getting frustrated and going insane. One night I tried masturbating for 2 straight hours and only succeeded at tiring myself and making my penis sore.

I also want to make it clear, Androcur may cause problems for you. I know in my case depression and mood swings seemed to get better. However, from talking to other friends and people on Androcur they had the opposite effect.

Just remember YMWV, and definitely keep a close eye on your mood and try to keep the lines of communication open with your doctor.