I just heard a load of wife jokes that I can't remember so I'll try and reconstitue them here.

Woke up at 8 and something just didn't smell right.

When I got to the kitchen the wife was face down and not breathing,

I panicked, What do I do?

Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 10.

We've been depressed for so long the wife and I made a suicide pact.

But, once she was dead, I wasn't depressed any more.

Isn't life grand.

I spent a few hours defrosting the fridge, or as she calls it,

Foreplay.

She packed my bag and kicked me out.

As I was walking away she yelled,

"I wish you a slow and painfull death."

I asked, "So, now you want me to stay?"

Man drives his car into the living room and kills his wife,

who is at fault?

The man of course, he let her out of the kitchen.

* * *

After I divorced my wife someone asked me how much money she took from my pay check?

I said I got a raise, now I get half.

Sorry that last one was not a joke but after my divorce I felt liberated, I now had a pay check again.

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job.

A. After five years your job will still suck.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She

said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...