http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VuN4P7897k

In the spirit of the holidays.

I am not a Black Friday shopper. I don't even like Christmas. However, I do go to the stores on Friday evening to do my weekly shopping. I figured that by 4-5PM on Friday, things would have settled down some, right? Wrong.

The contents of my cart: a can of lysol. toilet paper. paper towels. dish washing liquid. Renuzit air fresheners. vitamins. socks. a battery backup for the desktop PC, which I can understand might be mistaken for a gift. Some doofus I don't even know comes up to me with a big smile (mistake #1), wishes me a happy holiday (mistake #2) and says, "Doin' some Christmas shoppin'?"

Yeah...the lysol is for my 15 year old, I thought I'd give the toilet paper to my 4 year old, and I'm sure the baby will enjoy chewing on the Renuzits.

Here's your sign.

He didn't get it. (mistake #3)

It was at this point that I had to threaten his life if he did not run away.

One cart-diving child later (fly ball!) and I am interrupted while studying the bargain CD's by an employee. Hello? Since when do any of you speak to anyone? Hell no, you can't find anything in that "dig" bin! Here's your sign. Oh, wait, it was Victoria, we know her, so that's all good. No sign for her.

Behind me, some small boys are studying bargain video games. "You're $5 short to get that one," ones says. And he really wants it.

Not anymore, kid...

I informed him that there was a $5 bill on the floor, and that he should pick it up.

His folks are gonna love me. Looked like one of those blood and gore "M" games. I told them tear it open, and change the disk with a "Barbie" game case or something like that. That way he can buy it himself.

'tis the season to educate young shoppers.

However, I was able to do my signature checkout move with a fussy small child, perhaps 4 or 5. He wanted a candy bar and a Coke. His mom wanted cigarettes, the obese heifer. And she had chips, too. But she didn't have money for the kid, you see, but the cart full of other crap was OK to buy, including a size 82 skirt that I could have used for a truck cover. I gave the kid a Coke and Hershey bar to eat while we waited in line. It was a good time. I informed her that I was a "professional uncle" and that she was an unfit parent. Pray that I don't find your house, or I will leave a peck sack of candy and Coke in cans in your son's room on Christmas Eve. She told me I was rude, I told her she was fat, and that I can be nice anytime. She also didn't know much a "peck sack full" was. I told her she didn't want to know. Here's your sign.

Then I remembered that my Aunt had invited me to their holiday party. Back to the candy aisle. My belief is that if you're not a fat kid, not diabetic, then you should eat the candy. My cousins hate me. I'm the only one who didn't reproduce. It's my job to give your kids candy. And caffeine. Yes, you all get a sign. You'd think they wouldn't invite me anymore?

And so I safely made it home, after being nearly hit by one 1 texting-driver. All in all, it was a fun day.

You have my sympathies!

I've worked so many crazy retail holidays as a sales employee, that they all have just blended together in one giant incomprehensible nightmare.

I know exactly what those signs should say, but I'm too polite to mention it here.

This post had me laughing out loud.

I've gone shopping with Paolo. I can believe everything he says is true. I've seen most of it on our excursions. Small children trying to leap out of shopping carts for Paolo to catch them. Paolo pointing out currency that has been dropped on the floor and "lost" to children who are agonizing over not quite having enough money for something they want. Paolo handing candy and/or soft drinks to children whose parents seem to be neglecting them in favor of their own wants.

May favorite Paolo story is of going with him when he took God Son #3 winter coat shopping. He and I stood and talked while god son looked over the available selection. Like all kids, he eventually became bored and started running up and down the aisle. Paolo, without looking, put down his hand and said, "O.K., it's time to go now!" A kid we hadn't even noticed before ran over took Paolo's hand and was ready to go home with him....

The Pied Piper of Hamiln attracted rats to follow him out of town. The Paolo of Terre Haute attracts small children to follow him anywhere. Maybe we should call him "Pied Paolo."

I too have seen PP in action, I know I always enjoy his posts and stories, he does have kids dialed in, So 'PP' this one is for you.

River

PP = Pied Paolo

I once went food shopping on a day it was started a snow...

IT wasn't a big snow, just a couple inches. Actually, now that I think about it, I know the exact date because something historical happened. Not to me, BTW...

SO this was one of the "new" fancy food gallery places and As I was buying lunchmeat and beef and chicken for the next week, I could see down through the store to the cash registers as a pack of vultures, crazed loons, and desperate people fought, bickered and hassled each other to cash out and beat the snow home.

I went to canned and dry goods and did the math thing with the olive oil and bough some imported canned tomatoes and pasta.

No one was at the cash registers when I went to them and I drove home in a 1/2 inch of snow, no problem.

Every time I go shopping, as I wait at the cash registers (there are always lines when I can get there) I see people (usually so obese that I worry about gravity wells) with two and three 12 packs of soda pop, bags of snacks, gooey backed goods, cat food, a tub of ice cream, toilet paper, and frozen dinners.

I'm waiting there with 10 pounds of beef and chicken, six boxes of frosted miniwheats, 10 lb potatoes, celery, onions, carrots, lettuce, bread, pasta, tomato, no snacks (my allergies), no fast food, no frozen goodies, no junk food.

I might have food allergies but I still eat healthy. In fact, healthier than most people I see in the supermarket.

I'm also have claustrophobia. Not raging and traumatic claustrophobia but still crowds to bad things to me. Do you ahve any clue what a crowded supermarket is to a claustrophobic? I once screamed at a woman who kept bumping me that if she did that one more time, I'd shove the cart up her ass. That didn't go over well.

I understand, I do like my sweets however I don't buy processed foods, everything is made from scratch. The meat and potatoes vegi's and all but I also like my Pies, Ice Cream, cookies (biscuits) etc.

River

I was warned off carbonated beverages as bad for my kidneys. So I drink ice tea 24/7.

What does one do with 36 cans of DIET soda pop and fat-free ice cream when they tip the scales at 300+ pounds? (I'm trying to be kind and not make fat jokes)... ?

Also, why does a snow storm require three bags of potato chips and 24 rolls of toilet paper?

And a pie... It's never just a pie unless I see three tubs of fake whipped frenzy (not a drop of real cream in it) a tub of chemicals?

Even a platter of cookies have to be "gobs" or have icing or be decorated. I know that's the Christmas cookie but why in July? ANd the cakes, the CAKES... they aren't cakes if they aren't covered in sugary icing with flowers and mounds of shaved chocolates. Or those cupcakes with more icing than cake and sprinkles?

I'm buying canned whole tomatoes from San Marzano (add meatballs, onions, garlic, S&P to taste) and they're buying PREGO or CHef Boyardee overloaded with sugar and chemicals. I never sugar my tomato sauce. Sacrilege...

(oh my stars, I'm ranting -- about food. I must have the munchies...)

Dave, I do drink soda, no more then one a day I am a tea drinker, Earl Grey for the most part. When I make Ice Cream I use real ingredients heavy cream, 1/2 and 1/2, sugar, eggs, vanilla, now I don't crank the ice cream maker its is electric. Pumpkin pie, start with the Pumpkin you grew in your garden, bake it run it through the food processes to get it smooth, add evaporated milk, eggs, pumpkin spice, sugar, for the crust it depends on my mood and the kind of pie I am making, fruit pies I like making the crust with butter (unsalted) and apple cider (not water) but for a squash I use lard and water.

Re-fried beans, start with dry pinto beans, soak and cook until tender, add a pepper, salt, cook some more. Remove some of the beans put in iron skillet with LARD and mash the beans until smooth.

Tortillas Flour - Masa (Mexican flour) lard, baking powder, salt, water. mix, form into balls, let rise, roll into tortillas and put on griddle. (learned this from mom) Mom - ex mother n law, passed 11/16 she was 85.

My problem is not what I eat, its the amount. I am a good cook and I like food so the result is that I need to get smaller plates and only have one helping.

River

I'm not chastising anyone for eating good food or well prepared food. Growing it and cooking it is a good thing. It's the chemical additives and fake foods that amaze me. My little rant was more aimed at those in the supermarket who never buy anything nutritious and fill their carts with junk food and more junk food.

Not that I haven't eaten junk food but I stopped when it became obvious that it was hurting me.

I joke about the friend who ate a large candy bar and a JOLT cola each afternoon at 3pm. That was caffeine and sugar used as a crutch.

I look at people's carts in silent amazement. It's boxed and prepackaged salt, fat, chemicals and preservatives. Then I make up those tiny rants and descriptions about what they are eating and eventually bits and pieces turn up in a story.

Funny how we, who are so often the victims of judgmental people, are ourselves so quick to judge others. I admit I am sometimes annoyed when sandwiched between a couple of super sized people on an airplane, but mostly I am willing to live and let live. Sometimes I am amazed at the deliberate rudeness and cruelty shown to the obese. What other people choose to put into their body is precisely none of my business.

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