Battleship
Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 2:31 pm
Don't go to this movie. For those wishing to ignore my warning, this post contains some spoilers. I knew better than go see it, but sometimes, my better judgement doesn't win out.
This movie started out with a clichè and managed to include, before it was over, every possible alien vs Earth clichè imaginable. The whole movie was a clichè.
In 2005, NASA discovers an extrasolar planet with conditions similar to Earth and transmits a powerful signal toward it from a communications array in Hawaii. Seven years later, they're here to take over Earth. I don't know how far away this planet is supposed to be, but since the nearest star, one that couldn't support a planet like Earth, is 4.22 light years away, it had to be farther away than that, so to get back to us in seven years, they had to travel faster than light. Of course, a little thing like science means nothing to producers of Hollywood blockbusters (this won't be one I predict).
Of course, these beings that can travel through space faster than light can't help but fuck up, and they do so right away. Their communication ship, one of five exploratory expedition ships, hits a satellite and crashes into Hong Kong. It must have been a hell of a satellite, because the crashing ship is big enough to take out a half dozen skyscrapers in Hong Kong.
For people that can travel through space at speeds faster than light, the aliens turn out to be pretty dumb, and let a jerk, who happens to be in love with the fleet admiral's daughter, who of course does her part to save the world, be the last man standing in the chain of command on his ship, trapped inside the alien's force field. He takes charge and whips ass, of course.
The clichès were so obvious and predictable that I had a physical reaction to some of them, and I'm not talking about a pleasant physical reaction. There were times I almost walked out, and I could have and still would have been able to describe the ending almost down to the last detail. It was that predictable.
This movie was worse than John Carter of Mars, and I hope it's as big a flop. I will not be watching it on DVD.
This movie started out with a clichè and managed to include, before it was over, every possible alien vs Earth clichè imaginable. The whole movie was a clichè.
In 2005, NASA discovers an extrasolar planet with conditions similar to Earth and transmits a powerful signal toward it from a communications array in Hawaii. Seven years later, they're here to take over Earth. I don't know how far away this planet is supposed to be, but since the nearest star, one that couldn't support a planet like Earth, is 4.22 light years away, it had to be farther away than that, so to get back to us in seven years, they had to travel faster than light. Of course, a little thing like science means nothing to producers of Hollywood blockbusters (this won't be one I predict).
Of course, these beings that can travel through space faster than light can't help but fuck up, and they do so right away. Their communication ship, one of five exploratory expedition ships, hits a satellite and crashes into Hong Kong. It must have been a hell of a satellite, because the crashing ship is big enough to take out a half dozen skyscrapers in Hong Kong.
For people that can travel through space at speeds faster than light, the aliens turn out to be pretty dumb, and let a jerk, who happens to be in love with the fleet admiral's daughter, who of course does her part to save the world, be the last man standing in the chain of command on his ship, trapped inside the alien's force field. He takes charge and whips ass, of course.
The clichès were so obvious and predictable that I had a physical reaction to some of them, and I'm not talking about a pleasant physical reaction. There were times I almost walked out, and I could have and still would have been able to describe the ending almost down to the last detail. It was that predictable.
This movie was worse than John Carter of Mars, and I hope it's as big a flop. I will not be watching it on DVD.
