Place in the family?

[tugon (imported)]

I have been thinking about families of late. Families and their members that might be eunuch or transgender. Thinking back to my own experiences and reading about others early experiences I became curious. How many of us feel like a family member and how many felt like we were on the periphery of family? I read about some that did not receive the nurturing, affection and encouragement that a child needs. On the other hand some may feel like they were in a loving nurturing family. What I am asking is were you treated differently than other siblings in a family? Or were you one of the family?

In my own experience I think I was different from an early age. I think adults recognized this and had no idea how to relate to me. In my situation we kept a comfortable distance from one another. They knowing I was different and me wanting to keep my difference a secret. I was part of a family but it seems no one wanted to get to know me. Out of four children I was isolated from the family. We were all gathered for one of mom’s surgery and my three siblings gave her a kiss on the cheek as I approached she held out her hand for me to shake.

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Did the difference create the distance or did the distance create the difference? I am curious to what members think about this issue. We have talked about childhood differences but now I was wondering how people felt they fit into their own family and why. If you did not become aware of TG issues until later has this now created issues within your family?

[EunuchAusTX (imported)]

Interesting that you should mention this, Tugon. My siblings are all much older than me so I grew up feeling like an outsider in my own family. The only times I felt I belonged were the periods when it was just my parents and me. I still feel out of place at most family gatherings. I can't say I've ever given any real thought to whether there was a connection between this and my ultimate decision to become a eunuch, but now you've given me some real food for thought. I'm very curious to see what other eunuchs have to say about this to see if there's any kind of pattern.

[OneBallBoi (imported)]

I had the same issues as EunuchAusTX. My parents we done making babies, well at least they thought they were. Then I emerged. So I was much younger than my siblings and as a result, I did not fit in and felt all alone. Now that I am much much older, my sibling are very accepting and we relate real well. But for decades, I was alone.

[plix (imported)]

As most here know, I did not have the ideal family life as a child. My family was not really close period, so I'm not how much it was just me they rejected, but we definitely did not bond the way a family should, and to this day no one is really close to anyone else.

I have also noticed myself

as different from an early age,

and most in my family would agree that I have always been different. The only other one in the family who is possibly a misfit is my brother, but he and I are otherwise not alike and have never been close.

Your question about causation is an interesting one, and one that has been brought up with regard to certain issues, especially with kids who turn out gay. It is known that a significant number of gay males had poor or no relationships with their fathers as children, and for a long time it has been assumed that those poor relationships or lack of a father are what cause men to be gay. But are we looking the wrong way at the cause/effect relationship, at least when it comes to fathers who were present but had troubled relationships with their sons? Did the poor father cause the son to be gay or did personality traits casued by the son being born gay cause the father to abstain from the son? For a variety of reasons, I tend to believe that sexual orientation is fixed before birth, and therefore I would choose the latter.

Aside from its application to sexual orientation, I am sure your question has applicability to differences in general as well. Those who are born different in just about any way are likely to be outcasts within their families.

[scarnick (imported)]

This is quite an interesting thread. I have not considered it, but after reading the responses, I see similarities. As the youngest of 4, and we are all 4 years apart, I had little contact with the two oldest while growing up. My brother, the next oldest from me, was not very close to me. Even today, at age 58, we have a hard time finding anything in common with my siblings. I guess that I have to say I always felt like an outsider.

[StefanIsMe (imported)]

Neat thread. My situation is different yet from what I`ve read so far.

My family was VERY close; 4 year older sister and me, and mom and dad. Very close-knit family, lots of hugs and love. Growing up, lots of interation with cousin, aunts, uncles, etc too.

And yet, i turned out gay, or... well, I turned out something. Mom put me into figure skating for a while, i took a dance class, but I also played soccer.

And yet I have turned out to be very distant to the entire extended and nuclear family as Ive grown up. I hardly cried when Mom died, even though I wanted to be much closer with her towards the end, I was terrified of what she was going through and could hardly stand to visit her in paliative care. I feel truly horrid for that, but its how it is. I still love my dad, but we dont see each other much at all, and i feel somehow disconnected to him now, too. My sister is still one of my best friends but again, I feel somehow totally removed from her, too; as far as cousins, etc, go, well, I dont think Ive talked to any of them in over a decade, even though I would LOVE to hang out with some of them, I never even phone them to see how things are going.

I think part of it for me is a combination of fear of bringing up why Im not married, mixed with an inability to accept aging. They all look and seem so much older now... not that I dont, of course . Yet I still feel 20 in my behaviours (although, thank gosh, Im finally fiscal secure or at least responsible now). Besides, explaining why im not married would lead to talking about homosexuality with christians (thankfully, they are mostly United Church members, probably one of the most liberal churches going). The problem is that even that is a lie; i dont know if im even properly gay, as the idea of making out (kissing, sex) with either men or women kinda turns me off. And yet, I truly crave AFFECTION. Try talking to any person, either sex, that what you really want is just a cuddle-buddy who will draw on your back (back doodles with fingers) and that sort of thing... they ALL look at you as if you are nuts. These things make me think that I really, really would have been best off if I was castrated while under 13. And yet, yeah, I get hard and horny for no reason (any other 40 year olds around here regularly masturbate over twice a dayÉ). So, what do I think about when Im like that... usually, being changed in some way. Being neutered, being turned into a girl, or being age regressed are common ideas. Pretty much anything involving change.

Try explaining that to your daddy when `coming out`to him :p.

So, to get back on track (I think I went completely off the rails up there!), I guess I have a good relationship with my sister, but the rest of the family other than monthly phonecalls with my dad are pretty much strangers to me know, even though they were a huge part of my life growing up.

Strange.

[RichTOwen (imported)]

While my castration came about of medical needs (controlling excruciating pain down there), this brings up interesting thoughts in my mind. My wife and I have had many discussions over the years about all the crap that came about living with my mother and stepfather.

My father's side of the family was much different--they were always open, honest, loving and caring. I was never left wanting for attention or affection whenever I visited either my father or one of my aunts and uncles.

Home life was another story; it was almost like mom didn't want me, like I was a reminder of her marriage to my father. That may have been from the similarity in personalities we shared or the way I was a dead ringer for him, I don't know. It sure seemed like she tried to squash it--I got hand-me-downs from my sister and later new clothes that were just as pretty. At first, it was done with the excuse of having an easier time changing me when out since I was still in diapers at five. Later, she made no excuses.

Even with all this, and now being castrated, I may put on a pair of panties now and then, but I sure as hell have no plans for transition or SRS. It's not who I am. Honestly, I stopped having a relationship with mom a few years back when her and stepfather couldn't quit with remarks about my wife being 'low-class' since she came from a welfare household when she grew up (she really should have chosen better). As opposed to having the class to keep your mouth shut...

It's bad, I kicked mom out of our lives (and the lives of our kids) and at my sister's wedding she told my stepmother that there would be 'no way [mom] would crawl back [to me] on her hands and knees'. My stepmother said that if things went that bed between us she would be doing ANYTHING to fix it, who cares about hands and knees.

So that is the household that I came from.

P.S. Did I mention mom threatened to sue me for every penny I had when my wife and I told her the kids would be spending their birthday with us one year like they always did, instead of joining her, as she had asked?

[Jean Op den Kamp (imported)]

First let me tell you that I recognize the struggle you are in with your situation. Don't worry at any time to tel us, maybe the only way to fight it

As for that I think the EAMB should be one big family.

Maybe, just maybe later I'll try to tell my side of this subject, it's hard

[graylayer02 (imported)]

In my case I'm very very fortunate to have the family I have. Example: I came out to them a couple years ago. Their reaction: "So you're gay. Why didn't you tell us sooner?" followed by "Do you have anyone special you'd like to introduce us to?" I actually delayed my coming out because I wanted to have my own kids to provide for them what my parents did for me. I get along OK with my brother now that we're grown up. My sister...working on that one a bit. But they definitely are the kind of people I would fly halfway across the world for, to make a surprise visit for Christmas. (Yeah, I've done this.)

They always knew I felt 'different' and struggled with it, struggled with other kids mostly. They never understood me but they were on my side. They're the ones who taught me how to stand up to others when I had to, and how to treat people well when I could. If anything I'm closer with my entire family now that I'm an adult and more comfortable being myself. But...I still wouldn't bring up some things...I've always wanted to be nullo but there is just no way in hell that I would have talked about THAT with my family. Part of growing up in the Midwest is that you learn when to shut up. LOL

[tugon (imported)]

What brought this topic to mind had to do with birthdays and holidays. I am having yet another birthday and when asked what I would like to do this year my suggestion was followed by laughter. I would much rather make a big deal out of someone elses birthday than anyone do so for me. The one thing I always wanted was for my birthday to be the equal of my siblings. Many birthdays were barely noticed or forgotten. This did not happen to anyone else in the family. I also had an uncle who for two years in a row would buy something for everyone at Christmas but me. When this happens it reminds me of my status in the family.

Another aspect of my life was never introducing friends to family. I never wanted my friends to see how I was treated. Of course on the other hand my family never asked or showed interest in meeting my friends. Just last year was the first time I introduced somone I was dating to family. At 52 and many men later they finally met one. Of course mother was dead and she was the one who showed the most disapproval towards my bringing a date. Some members spoke to us and others kept their distance.

I have friends that are more like family and I have filled my life with them. My chosen family likes me more than that other bunch.