Barack Obama said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” To which Bill Clinton, said, “You know, I’ve tried that, and you’re right.”

-Jay Leno

There are rumors coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong Il may be dead. If that’s true, North Korea will now be ruled by Kim Jong Il’s brother, Ment-ally Il.

-David Letterman

Barack Obama was on David Letterman yesterday. I’m not one to say who I support, but when I saw the show, I was thinking, There’s a very sexy compassionate man. Obama’s good too, but Dave . . .

-Craig Ferguson

Health experts have named Mississippi the fattest state in the Union. The state bird of Mississippi? The fried chicken.

-Jay Leno

O.J. Simpson’s trial starts today. It started with kidnapping and robbery, but on the way to the trial, he got pulled over by the police . . . on the way! He can’t catch a break. It’s almost as if the universe is trying to punish him for something. Like some sort of karmic retribution is coming his way . . .

-Craig Ferguson

Jamie Lynn Spears may break up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her with a 28-year-old woman. When she heard about it Spears said, “That’s my grandmother’s age!”

-Conan O'Brien

Barbra Streisand is performing at an Obama fundraiser. It’s $25,000 a seat. But for $50,000, you don’t have to go.

-Craig Ferguson

They say John McCain’s biggest challenge is trying to convince people that he’s not George W. Bush. Just the fact that he went to Vietnam shows he’s not George W. Bush.

-Jay Leno

Google is 10 years old today. For a whole decade Google has been helping you find old friends, get good prices . . . and in some cases, get vice presidential running mates.

-Craig Ferguson