I'm sorry Francis, living as someone your not sucks. I must tell you that I felt the same way you do and then after almost dying from kidney cancer I came out to my wife, even though life was ruff for a few weeks or a couple months even we worked it out. Now I'm real cool with being gay and I'm starting to work though my gender problems with her help.

I'm not saying you should do as I did, just saying it's an option.

Gary

I still am kind of surprised at how common gender identity issues are. I remember when I was a kid the only place I knew of that stuff was from the three-ring circus-like talk shows (I hate you Geraldo; Ricki Lake, I will have your love-child). Even in my teens I felt alone with that. lol... not feeling alone is certainly a wonderful feeling.

Once again, thanks to everyone who responded to my initial post. I've thought about your input and, although you may not recognize it, it has affected my conclusions. I'm adding my thoughts on being open with others as this was introduced into the thread.

Later on, I'll give details on why I reached these conclusions. Those will include my response to concerns about being open with family and others.

In brief I've decided that:

1. I will tell my family that I'm dealing with transgender 'issues'. I may make this a less charged statement, for now, by restating it as working through some gender issues. I will give some minimal details relating to how happy I've been (for an extended period, anyway) for the first time in my life, etc. I may add additional information at a later date. I will not discuss male to 'not male' for the time being.

2. I'll hold off on letting them know about the osteoporosis, severe vitamin D deficincy and bipolar II diagnoses for at least a week.

3. I will not stop being open about who I am with people who know me reasonably well, and perhaps even some others that I know to be open to diversity in gender and sexual expression. This is crucial to my sense of well-being. My gender therapist has always agreed with me on this.

-danya

Kristoff,

Part of the debate going on now within some parts of the GLBT community is over whether 'T' should indeed be included in GLBT. There's also a political debate on whether transgender rights should be included in anti-discrimination legislation for the GLB's. The thought is, there's a better chance of the bill passing if the T folks are left out. They can be added at some later date in the indefinite future.

-danya

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:55 am Kristoff,

Part of the debate going on now within some parts of the GLBT community is over whether 'T' should indeed be included in GLBT. There's also a political debate on whether transgender rights should be included in anti-discrimination legislation for the GLB's. The thought is, there's a better chance of the bill passing if the T folks are left out. They can be added at some later date in the indefinite future.

-danya

aka todd

I think the legislative component is a cop out. The debate over Trans inclusion in GLBT has been going on since the late 70s and early 80s. It is nothing but queers discriminating against their friends.

kristoff wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:43 am The debate over Trans inclusion in GLBT has been going on since the late 70s and early 80s. It is nothing but queers discriminating against their friends.

It hurts when I see it happen to other T-folk, and has kept me from fully coming out as well. I keep asking my self the question "how much do I come out?" In the past I kind of of pushed at the boundaries until I got "the treatment" but these days I'm a little more likely to tell them to piss off. Still I don't consider my self to be completely out, and that is something I'm really struggling with.

I'm very sad to see transphobia in my own LGBT community. I do see there is less of it than there used to be but it is still there.

jemagirl (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2008 11:46 am It hurts when I see it happen to other T-folk, and has kept me from fully coming out as well. I keep asking my self the question "how much do I come out?" In the past I kind of of pushed at the boundaries until I got "the treatment" but these days I'm a little more likely to tell them to piss off. Still I don't consider my self to be completely out, and that is something I'm really struggling with.

I'm very sad to see transphobia in my own LGBT community. I do see there is less of it than there used to be but it is still there.

Personally, I find the whole concept of transphobia disgusting. I am sure I am guilty of many others phobias, but still this one is closer to me. I know altogether too many trans women and a couple of transmen, to say nothing of trans eunuchs, (or which ever identity many may choose), to not find offense against my friends and others to be painful to them and me. Those whom I know typically are some of the most determined and strongest people I know. I stand often in awe of them. All I can say, really, is "You go girl!" (or man, or eunuch, or........)!

One of the reasons I'm posting this is because I consider this thread to be part of my journal on my transition experience. This is probably my final post to this thread.

As I've mentioned, I took some time considering everyone's advice and concerns about my wanting to disclose my gender status to my family. A few also brought up concerns, either on this thread or elsewhere, about my being very open with people at work and friends outside of work.

I've added details to the summary points I posted this morning.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:45 am 1. I will tell my family that I'm dealing with transgender 'issues'. I may make this a less charged statement, for now, by restating it as working through some gender issues. I will give some minimal details relating to how happy I've been (for an extended period, anyway) for the first time in my life, etc. I may add additional information at a later date. I will not discuss male to 'not male' for the time being.

I do believe that my two younger brothers (I have no sisters), my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew love me. My youngest brother has stated a number of times that I raised him (I suppose he must have felt emotionally abandoned, too. He doesn't like to talk about these things).

It's wishful thinking on my part, though, to imagine that any of us will be close again. We're scattered among the Midwest, Texas and California. We rarely speak by phone. Maybe once every two years. I found that if I don't call, no one will call me. I'm OK with this. Even email communications seldom occur.

So, my immediate family hasn't been a part of my emotional support network for many years. If it takes them a while to get used to the new me, so be it. I'll always be glad to talk with them.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:45 am 2. I'll hold off on letting them know about the osteoporosis, severe vitamin D deficiency and bipolar II diagnoses for at least a week.

I don't want to distract them from the main subject, my gender issues.

Danya (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 25, 2008 6:45 am 3. I will not stop being open about who I am with people who know me reasonably well, and perhaps even some others that I know to be open to diversity in gender and sexual expression. This is crucial to my sense of well-being. My gender therapist has always agreed with me on this.

When I came out as gay in 1995, I lost all but two of my friends (a Lutheran minister and his wife who remain friends to this day). I'm sure it's been relatively easy for some to come out as gay, especially for some younger people. It wasn't easy for me. There's no way I would have stayed in the closet even if I'd know in advance that nearly all my friends would desert me. I'd still be in the closet and miserable with a lot of friends who liked the person they perceived me to be, not the real me. I've already gone through one painful coming out process.

As far as being transgender, I feel the same way. I agree that this is a different situation from coming out as gay. There is more risk. So far, though, I haven't lost the friendship of anyone, inside or outside work, since I've told them I am transgender. I include in here those to whom I've told everything, including the male to 'not male' piece. I haven't been treated any differently and a number of these people are even actively supportive. A number have told me they feel honored that I trust them enough to share this information. Several of these honored people are conservative in their political and religious views. So far, then, coming out as a transgender person as been painless.

Most importantly, I feel terrific knowing that I can be open outside the virtual world of the Archive. I'm not ashamed of who I am. I can't live my life and not be open. I did that far too long as a gay man and I was extremely unhappy during that time.

This doesn't mean I should throw caution to the wind. I don't need to make a general announcement to everyone. Nor do I need to open up in casual conversations with people I hardly know.

I'm working through the transgender program at the University. If I'm to continue to go through official channels to reach my goal, I need to demonstrate to my gender therapist that I'm truly comfortable in my new gender identity. I can't do that by keeping silent.

I'm too tired to proof-read this. Got to hit the hay.

A few minutes ago, I sent a short email to my brother and his family (wife, 22 yo niece, 18 yo nephew) in Dallas and my California brother to let them know I am transgender. I told them just a little about the clinic at the University and its reputation. I explained how happy I am for the first time in my life. I briefly stated that I don't know exactly where I fit in the transgender universe. I said I understood that this news would be an adjustment for them but that I hope they would ultimately accept and support me. Finally, I told them it was the most difficult letter I'd ever written because I didn't want to lose them - but I needed to be true to myself. I signed the note 'Much love' using the legal name they call me.

Even though sending the letter has given me a migraine , I absolutely know I needed to handle things this way. I'm not thinking they're going to immediately jump on the transgender bandwagon or necessarily respond soon. I'll see what happens and let you know.

It will hurt if I don't get some type of positive responses within a week or two. I can deal with that pain if it happens. As I explained earlier, we haven't been close in years. Yet they remain my family.

-Danya

I wish you success with your family. --FLO--