Why can't I make up my mind?

[plix (imported)]

Since the actual surgery my motivations have definitely changed, or at least the new motivations were not at the surface beforehand. If what used to be on the surface were the only motivations, there would probably not be much reason for me to stay off T. The main original motivation was the gender issues. While I don't fit the stereotype of what a man should be (at least on the inside - people tell me that on the outside I am very masculine, probably because of that flat affect problem I have), I now know that does not make me female.

The current motivations are mostly libido elimination, so I do not necessarily consider sex drive to be "the good stuff." Before surgery I thought it might be interesting to be without libido, and I may have even sexualized the thought, but it was not really the main goal. Now that I have experienced life without libido and then went back to having it again, I realize that I much prefer being without. Although I do suspect that mrt's suggestion about it being like puberty again could play a role in my discomfort. But there are other reasons as well.

I've thought about DHEA, but now that they want to make it a controlled substance, not so sure it would be a good idea. If you want to bring it with you though, I don't see any harm in giving it a try

A neutralizing hormone - something many of us at the EA have wanted for a long time. You'd get all the benefits of hormones without any masculinization or feminization.

[mrt (imported)]

There was a window when my second puberty was troubling. The change from "contempt" for sexy women to desire was difficult. As a techno geek I spent quite some time studying the effects of Testosterone and found the podcast comments of a young women who had started Female to Male transition with injectable testosterone. What she said was that the urges, sexual thoughts and what she perceved as changes in her attitude disgusted her. She felt like she was turning into a typical male "jerk" but then it dawned on her that there are men in the world who are not stereotypical male jack asses. What made them different? And then I remembered by own (First puberty) and came to the same conclusion that she did. Just because there is "food" you don't have to obey your bodys urge to shove you face into the plate and make a pig of yourself. Just as a young boy just out of puberty who does not use any self control masturbates 4 or more times a day.

I know some people (even adults) have urges that are so strong they can't control them. For them I think I understand their wish for castration so that they don't hurt others etc. Others I think (like me) just need a short period of time to get used to the "DRIVE" (And thats a good description) to get wired back into feeling "male." I used the term "good stuff" which I think might offend those into sex drive elimination. If I can use the food analogy again. Testosterone hooked up my "taste buds" for sex again. And I found that sex with low hormones (was possible) it was like eating oatmeal vrs a 7 course meal. For me being sexual and being able to appreciate it is very "good stuff." However - some of the "drive" stuff can be distracting. On the good end my wife right now benifits from a lot of attention she was not getting before. I'm also told that I'm a far nicer person with my hormones at a healthy level. She said before this "Everything made you mad" And my sense of humor was pretty bad as well as my desire to do anything. For me this was just a non life. It looks from the outside to be depression. On the inside I thought it was normal. Awful. But normal.

I can see how switching that puberty like period on and off would not be comfortable. If your an old Star Trek fan imagine Mr Spoke getting emotions, then turning them off then on again.

If there was such a thing as a little Testosterone = a little drive I would say dial up slowly but I think its more like a light switch thats ON or OFF. At least for me.

The concept of a hormone that does not give you sexual / gender effects is thought provoking. Let me think and ask out loud. Is it the "gender / sexual" stuff thats the spice of life? And is it that when we don't have that we start to experience depression like effects? I don't honestly have an opinion.

I thought DHEA was still OTC? I used to use it but my doctor thought it to be driving up my E2 more then I wanted. I've read that transdermal DHEA does not do that.

Since the actual surgery my motivations have definitely changed, or at least the new motivations were not at the surface beforehand. If what used to be on the surface were the only motivations, there would probably not be much reason for me to stay off T. The main original motivation was the gender issues. While I don't fit the stereotype of what a man should be (at least on the inside - people tell me that on the outside I am very masculine, probably because of that flat affect problem I have), I now know that does not make me female.

The current motivations are mostly libido elimination, so I do not necessarily consider sex drive to be "the good stuff." Before surgery I thought it might be interesting to be without libido, and I may have even sexualized the thought, but it was not really the main goal. Now that I have experienced life without libido and then went back to having it again, I realize that I much prefer being without. Although I do suspect that mrt's suggestion about it being like puberty again could play a role in my discomfort. But there are other reasons as well.

I've thought about DHEA, but now that they want to make it a controlled substance, not so sure it would be a good idea. If you want to bring it with you though, I don't see any harm in giving it a try

A neutralizing hormone - something many of us at the EA have wanted for a long time. You'd get all the benefits of hormones without any masculinization or feminization.