Hi Bruce,

What was it that allowed you to get over the "extreme self inflicted stuff"? Is the urge to do extreme stuff still there, but you now have the will power to not go through with it? Or has something changed to diminish the urge? I sincerely wish that my inner desire to do stupid and crazy things would diminish by itself without having to resort to medication. Maybe now

guy26 (imported) wrote: Fri May 13, 2005 6:24 pm with the help of my other half,

I can resist and continue to masturbate and avoid a buildup of sexual tension that leads to an out of control situation.

Don't be too concerned about the transition from a high to a lower functioning sexual level. It takes a few weeks for the body to adjust to the new levels of hormones flowing around in the blood stream. When you do get the urge to masturbate you may find that it takes longer and it is harder to reach orgasm. You may feel compelled to increase the amount of stimulation to get the same level of satisfaction. Just don't get too carried away. For me I felt an urge to bottom more for my other half because it gave me a more satisfying orgasm.

Even if you don't continue on with the Depo Provera, really use this time to stop and think about your own situation. You may find that it is much easier to critically analyze your inner thoughts and desires without provoking a sexual response and confusing the matter. Writing about it has really helped clarify my thoughts. From a little research that I have done in treating pharaphilias, they sometimes dispense Depo Provera for this exact reason. It allows them to take a break from their intense sexual activities and gain a better understanding of themselves. I know this has certainly been the case for myself. This is really the first time that I have ever tried to deal with the situation. Before when things would get out of hand, I would cover it up as quickly as possible and put it out of my mind. It was not something that I wanted to deal with. In a lot of ways I was in denial that it was even a problem.

If you do decide to continue taking Depo Provera, I really recommend going to your local general practitioner. You should watch your blood pressure and occasionally check for elevated liver enzymes. I think women get their liver enzymes checked once or twice a year. Although I could have never imagined asking for help, I had a very positive response in discussing the situation with my doctor. He was concerned about the situation and was willing to help me. Like I have mentioned in other posts, he didn't think that Depo Provera was the best thing to try first. If and when things start getting out of hand again, I'll go back and ask for help.

You should never be ashamed of your fantasies. To help ensure that you have a lasting life long sexual relationship with a partner, it is helpful to have fantasies. People who have fantasies also tend to have stronger orgasms. If the fantasies are unrealistic, dangerous, illegal, or causes harm and you begin to act out on these fantasies, then you should be concerned. I have accepted having fantasies of castration and I am not ashamed of it. I have often times wished that it would simply go away, but that is not going to happen; It is an intrinsic part of my sexual physchi.

I don't think that the psychiatric community has a good understanding on the causes or continuation of fixations on castration. I'm glad to see that some basic research is currently being done with the help of individuals on this message board. The more understanding and information gathered, the better they can serve are needs when we ask for help. I have always wondered what it was that causes some people to actually go through with castration. If it isn't done out of spontaneous compulsion, I'm sure that it is very personal and a feeling of last resort.

Yes a very interesting thread i wish that i couldent relate to everything that has been said but sadley it all comes back when i read this.My life was a living hell for most of my life and always out of controal its only thies last three years that i feel like a normal person and thats because i was just tired of being tired and i felt i had no choice but to have the surgery and get my life under controal.I was just tired of sex and fantacys controaling my life and had wound up in the emergency more then once .I hope you can find a good balance to your life so you dont have to live a life like mine WAS and thanks for shairing your story i think theirs a lot of us who can relate.

Dayhunter (imported) wrote: Sun May 15, 2005 10:16 pm I haven't been posting for a long time due to not having online access but I feel compelled to comment on Celexa. I have a low testosterone level naturally and I also have had family members with breast cancer. I was on Celexa for a time and developed a cyst in my breast under my right nipple. A biopsy proved the cyst not to be cancer. My oncologost said he had seen this before with Celexa. After I went off the drug the cyst gradually went away. There are other drugs you could use and in any case ita's probably wise to do periodic breast self examinations.

Do you mean Celexa? Or do you mean Celebrex?

I can't find any indication of Celexa causing cysts, but for Celebrex it is a known possible side effect (along with other "breast problems").

SplitDik (imported) wrote: Mon May 16, 2005 4:33 pm Do you mean Celexa? Or do you mean Celebrex?

I can't find any indication of Celexa causing cysts, but for Celebrex it is a known possible side effect (along with other "breast problems").

Unfortunately, in retrospect I'm not sure if it was Celexa but that is what I remember. After reading your post I tried to check my records to see what I had taken but I have been trying to clean things up (as if that were possible) and I don't have those records. I did find "A Guide for Patients" using Lexapro (escitalopram oxalate) so that may be what I was taking. I have never taken Celebrex and I am very sure of that.

I want to make clear that I don't want anybody to stop their medication I just want to raise awareness. In my case my mother and a maternal uncle both had breast cancer causing me to be aware that men too should do periodic breast self exams. Taking hormones or antidepressants should just cause one to be aware of whats going on with your body.

guy26 (imported) wrote: Mon May 16, 2005 6:59 am Hi Bruce,

What was it that allowed you to get over the "extreme self inflicted stuff"? Is the urge to do extreme stuff still there, but you now have the will power to not go through with it? Or has something changed to diminish the urge? I sincerely wish that my inner desire to do stupid and crazy things would diminish by itself without having to resort to medication. Maybe now

guy26 (imported) wrote: Mon May 16, 2005 6:59 am 1115972640]
with the help of my other half,

I can resist and continue to masturbate and avoid a buildup of sexu
[/quote]
al tension that leads to an out of control situation.\.

Well, no matter how "crazy" I got, I always tried to listen to the beacon of self preservation / survival ... The craziest thing I ever did was self-surgery involving an artificial testicle. I was born with an undescended testicle (which goes back to why I had shame, embarrasment and hatred towards my sexuality ... having something as basic as a "missing testicle" when you are three years old causes great trauma, or rather, it can). After a year or so of shots, my testicle did in fact "descend" into my scrotum -- but it was always smaller than normal, and I always felt I had somehow been "ripped off" by God and not gotten the normal genitals everyone else gets. I was able to procure an articial testicle made of silicon (actually designed for dogs) and I cut my scrotum upon and inserted it. After three or so weeks my body literally rejected the implant, and pushed it out of my scrotum. The body is amazingly smart, it knows when something shouldn't be there, and it will do what is necessary. The wound healed up ok and everything went back to "normal" but I was really scared by the whole incident. I could have gotten a terrible infection or worse. And performing "self surgery" was about as close to being insane as I wish to go.

SO -- I know how powerful the conscious and subconscious urges are that drive us to acts such as castration. I suppose in my case I suffer from "bipolar castration disorder" where I simultaneously wish to have no testicles, and to have great big large ones.

I've also noticed the "bipolar" nature of my castration fetish in my fantasies. In them I am usually a physician performing castration on his young patient, or I am the patient being castrated -- but usuallly I am both at the same time, both the castrator and the castrated. My fantasy shifts between both roles, sometimes I am even the parents of the person being castrated, or a brother. And in my fantasy I am able to be all roles simultaneously. Another favorite fantasy is that I'm both the husband and the wife who have decided on castration for the husband -- and then I'm the doctor recommending the surgery, who is telling me and my wife that I'll be impotent and happy within a month or so ...

I appreciate the advice not to feel bad about my fantasies ... but I guess I feel on some level "God" is judging me while i'm having them -- who am I to wish that a part of me be destroyed, or that I destroy another man's manhood?

About two years ago I used to masturbate daily about being castrated by a doctor, then I actually contacted a doctor who would castrate me. My fantasies became more and more real, the the point where if I had the actual money I probably would have flown to go get the surgery.

So how do I control the extreme behavior? I suppose the short answer is I haven't. I've done, secretly, what many would consider quite extreme and potential harmful. But I've always tried to calculate the risk, and never did anything I felt would pose an inordinate immediate danger.

Most recently I found myself having risky sex -- innordinantly risky sex -- almost as if the castration desire has been replaced by a death wish -- I know the wish for castration and the wish for death are closely linked, they both involve the nullification of being. When I really think about what sexuality and an erection is for a man, it is very close to the core of what we are as physical beings, in that we exist in nature to procreate. The desire to have that procreative tool nullified is like wanting our existance as a man destroyed. And in my fantasies as I'm about to be castrated, I typically switch over to the role of the castrator the closer the actual act comes to happening in the fantasy -- it's a powerful male dominance urge to have everyone else around him castrated, as it boosts his own chance of procreating and of sexually dominating.

I have thought about "ways out" of my current bipolar castration fetish / fantasies. I find myself very turned on by dominant males, so I think I see myself evolving as a "sub" male who is submissive to other males. This to me is very close to castration -- by allowing yourself to be used as a sexual object for other males, you have nullified your own procreative potential and purpose. You serve merely as a sexual release for other males. One of the hottest fantasies I've had about this was that I was on an island where half the men were chemically castrated and the other half were dominant studs. And nobody wore clothes on the island, so it was completely obvoius which males where the impotent castrates and who were the studs.

That;s about all I can think to write now, more later.

These have been very interesting posts. Thanks to those who have shared their experiences with us.

My experience has been pretty tame in many ways. I'm just an ordinary gay guy. I came out in the early seventies, and my family has been cool about it. Never had much of a problem with the gay stuff myself. However, my issue has always been hypersexuality. I was sexually precocious, starting to become aroused when I was seven or eight years old. It was incredibly difficult for me, trying to get off several times weekly without getting caught. When I was in high school it wasn't too bad since by then the other guys were having the same problems. In college, getting laid was darn easy, and afterward, as a gay man in my twenties, being wildly sexual was pretty normal in the gay community. Later, however, it started to become tedious with each passing year. Now that I'm well into middle age, I find that I am still horny all the time, and that masturbation brings little relief. Sex is somewhat better, but I know as soon as I get off, I'll be looking for it again in the morning.

For a while I took Androcur which completely shut down the sex drive. I did not get erect, I had no interest in sex, and I had this relaxed feeling. I was able to get lots of things done in my real life, since I wasn't constantly trying to get off. This has convinced me that I need to have the castration done simply to make my life, especially as I age, manageable.

The fact that I have been able to meet like-minded individuals here on the Archive has made all the difference in the world. The archive has also made it possible to find resources at home and around the world where the actual procedure can happen. I am grateful for that.

In sum, I guess I'm just an ordinary guy plagued with a runaway libido, and I want my life back.

Terry in Pittsburgh

Dayhunter (imported) wrote: Mon May 16, 2005 7:03 pm Unfortunately, in retrospect I'm not sure if it was Celexa but that is what I remember. After reading your post I tried to check my records to see what I had taken but I have been trying to clean things up (as if that were possible) and I don't have those records. I did find "A Guide for Patients" using Lexapro (escitalopram oxalate) so that may be what I was taking. I have never taken Celebrex and I am very sure of that.

I want to make clear that I don't want anybody to stop their medication I just want to raise awareness. In my case my mother and a maternal uncle both had breast cancer causing me to be aware that men too should do periodic breast self exams. Taking hormones or antidepressants should just cause one to be aware of whats going on with your body.

Lexapro and Celexa are related. The patent for Celexa ran out so the company making it split the molecule and re-patented as Lexapro. Most unbiased observers think that Lexapro will work the same as Celexa, but to beware that concentration of Lexapro is effectively twice that of Celexa (i.e. 20mg Lexapro = 40mg Celexa).

Note that generic Celexa is available, and if you get prescribed Lexapro you should check to see if it would be cheaper taking generic Celexa.

Thanks for the warning though about the cysts. My family has no history of cancer (of any kind), so I think your issue may be one of those "rare" side effects. But worth knowing about.

There are some anti-depression meds out there that decrease the sex drive, and although you have your testicles, you will not want to jerk off. These drugs esp are paxil and or zoloft and or prozac. Having a fixation is nothing wrong with your head, just if your going to hurt yourself, call someone before you proceed with any plan.

Cheers

stevesd

stevesd (imported) wrote: Thu May 19, 2005 6:15 pm There are some anti-depression meds out there that decrease the sex drive, and although you have your testicles, you will not want to jerk off. These drugs esp are paxil and or zoloft and or prozac. Having a fixation is nothing wrong with your head, just if your going to hurt yourself, call someone before you proceed with any plan.

Cheers

stevesd

I need to figure out whether I'm acting out and doing crazy things as a part of a bipolar mania state. There are some signs of it. For instance it tends to happen about every 3 months. If that's the case, taking anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer could make things worse. I will comment more on it when I have a better of understanding on what is going on.

This is an interesting thread that I can't recall ever seeing. I actually found it through Google and thought others would appreciate it.