JesusA (imported) wrote: Mon Nov 18, 2002 1:19 pm With all the Brits reading the Archive, I'm surprised that I have to be the one to bring up that old WWII favorite "The Colonel Bogey March" as it was ACTUALLY sung by British soldiers while they marched along. Though it was only whistled in the film, "The Bridge Over the River Kwai."

Hitler has only got one ball,

Goering's are rather awf'lly small.

Himmler is somewhat sim'lar, And

Goebbels has no balls at all.

Riverwind brings up the traditional folksong No Balls At All, but doesn't give the words. Here's the version from my childhood. (This takes us back a half century!) Since Riverwind and I grew up at the same time and only a few miles apart, I imagine his version was probably identical:

Come all you good people, A story I'll tell,

A song I will sing how a wonder befell

A charming young maiden who was wed in the fall,

And married a man who had no balls at all.

chorus

No balls at all, What! No balls at all,

She married a man who had no balls at all.

The night of the wedding she lept into bed,

Her breasts were a-heaving, her legs were a-spread.

She reached for his pecker - his pecker was small.

She reached for his balls - he had no balls at all. chorus

"Oh mother, oh mother, oh, what shall I do?

I've married a man who's unable to screw.

For many long years I've avoided the call,

Now I've married a man who has no balls at all." chorus

"Oh daughter, oh daughter, now don't feel so sad,

I had the same trouble with your dear old dad.

There are lots of young men who will answer the call

Of the wife of a man who has no balls at all." chorus

Now the daughter she followed her mother's advice,

And she found the proceedings exceedingly nice.

A bouncing young baby was born in the fall

To the wife of the man who had no balls at all. chorus

And to complete the set, a dramatic declamation that kids of my generation made when there were no adults about. Mostly when we were out camping.

Twas the night of the king's castration, 'twas the night of the king's last ball. All the counts and no-accounts were gathered in the hall, when in walked Sir Galahad with his left nut slung over his right shoulder.

"It tickles," said Sir Galahad.

"What tickles?" asked the King.

"Test-tickles," said Sir Galahad.

"Where's the Queen?" asked Sir Galahad.

"In bed with laryngitis," answered the King'

"Is that damn Greek here again?" asked Sir Galahad.

"Ah, fuck the Queen," roared the King.

Forty royal knights were trampled in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law.

These lept, unbidden, into my mind when I found this thread. If you're all unlucky enough, I'll think of more to add.

JesusA (imported) wrote: Wed Nov 20, 2002 9:39 pm Dave, I like your version of the declamation much better than mine. I learned mine when I was junior high age, or thereabouts. Yours seems like it comes from an older group. Now, the question is, will I want to teach it to my grandson? If so, which version? These bits of folklore need to be preserved for future generations! It's our/your DUTY to American civilization to pass them on!

Riverwind, while I remember singing "Charlotte the Harlot" in summer camp (maybe even the same one where you learned it), there are no testicles at all in my version. It doesn't quite fit THIS thread, but it's too good to pass up. Here's the version I learned. Please post any differences in your version. I'm always game for variation.

Charlotte the Harlot

sung to the tune of "Sweet Betsy from Pike

Down in cunt valley where jism does flow,

The cocksuckers work for a dollar a blow.

There lived pretty Charlotte, the girl I adore,

My free-fucking, cock-sucking, cowpuncher's whore.

chorus

Charlotte, the harlot, the girl I adore.

The pride of the prairie, the cowpuncher's whore.

She's easy, she's greasy, she works on the street,

And whenever you see her, she's always in heat.

She'll do it for a dollar, take less or take more,

She's Charlotte the harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.

[chorus]

One day on the prairie, while riding along,

My seat in the saddle, the reins on my dong,

Who should I meet but the girl I adore,

Charlotte the harlot, the cowpuncher's whore.

[chorus]

One day on the prairie, no pants on her quim,

A rattlesnake saw her and slipped right on in.

She wiggled, she giggled. It tickled down there.

She had a vagina with rattles and hair.

[chorus]

I got off my pony, I reached for her crack.

The damned thing was rattling and biting me back.

I took out my pistol. I aimed for its head.

I missed the damned rattler. I shot her instead.

[chorus]

Her funeral procession was forty miles long,

With a chorus of cowpunchers singing this song:

"Here lies a young maiden who'll screw us no more,

Young Charlotte the harlot, the cowpuncher's whore."

[chorus]

(We always sang the last chorus twice.)

JesusA (imported) wrote: Mon Nov 18, 2002 1:19 pm Come all you good people, A story I'll tell,

A song I will sing how a wonder befell

A charming young maiden who was wed in the fall,

And married a man who had no balls at all.

chorus

No balls at all, What! No balls at all,

She married a man who had no balls at all.

The night of the wedding she lept into bed,

Her breasts were a-heaving, her legs were a-spread.

She reached for his pecker - his pecker was small.

She reached for his balls - he had no balls at all. chorus

"Oh mother, oh mother, oh, what shall I do?

I've married a man who's unable to screw.

For many long years I've avoided the call,

Now I've married a man who has no balls at all." chorus

"Oh daughter, oh daughter, now don't feel so sad,

I had the same trouble with your dear old dad.

There are lots of young men who will answer the call

Of the wife of a man who has no balls at all." chorus

Now the daughter she followed her mother's advice,

And she found the proceedings exceedingly nice.

A bouncing young baby was born in the fall

To the wife of the man who had no balls at all. chorus