Hi darthbra,

If you are taking an estrogen alone it will not be as effective as in combination with an anti-androgen. I take both, under a doctor's supervision. If you should purchase an anti-androgen without a prescription, please let an understanding physician know what you are doing. Your blood should be tested periodically to be certain you are not having a negative reaction.

You may also be aware that taking more estrogen than required can be counter-productive to feminization. I will write more on this later. Right now, I have to leave for work.

I hope you find an understanding therapist soon. Believe me, I understand how important it is to have the body match one's core gender identity. Nonetheless, self-acceptance and loving who you are (a woman) begins in the mind. A supportive therapist can help you through this difficult time and assist you in making the best choices to reach your goals.

Hugs,

Danya

Danya is so right. I'm not exactly in the same shoes or high heels but when I was dealing with my Orchialgia I had the same sort of motivation to "get these things removed" or in my case replaced with silicone implants that didn't hurt and were not atrophied nothings.

I want you to know that finding a doctor and a therapist helped me as well. The doctor was able to put me on the right path to take care of my problems and the Therapist was part of the program to make sure I was not doing "goofy" stuff (I wasn't) and it helped ME because it affirmed that what I was doing wasn't goofy. Ok, is that kind of a closed loop logic???

What you want is NOT weird or uncommon. There are doctors with busy practices that do nothing but work with TS people. Talk to your GP and if he/she is not tuned into this ask for a referal? I don't know how that works in the UK. Doctors (In general) are going to be understanding and of course are always discrete.

Anyway, I want to echo what Danya said. Inhouse doesn't sell to the UK without prescriptions (I think???) but here is why you don't want to go that way anyway.

Safety. If you ruin your liver and die or get sick? You won't achieve your goal. Hormones can be rough on your system and you want to use the right amount to cause the correct changes. All estrogen without blocking Testosterone properly is not very useful. Too much repression of Testosterone (You want Female Levels) is not good either. A doctor doing labs and checking your health is SO vital to doing this right. So find the right Doctor, take advantage of the NHS and get it done right.

And btw drugs bought over the internet are a complete total crapshoot. What good is sending your money and getting "Chinese" Estrogen that is really nothing? Or worse is some unsafe synthetic that can hurt you? You want real hormones and anti Androgens to shut down your Testes NOT some sheetrock Pills made in a garage.

Time. To get a proper GRS etc you want to be under a doctor(s) care for a year (at least) to qualify for surgery. That real life experience etc. All very important. They can talk to you more about it.

Good luck and THANK YOU for not hurting yourself!

Hi darthbra,

As far as estrogen dosage goes, there is a limit beyond which adding more estrogen will not increase the effects you want. A too high dose will increase your risk of serious complications.

I have run across a few reputable web sites (at least for psychological advice) that state excessive estrogen is converted into testosterone, which is something you do not want. Other sites do not mention this but confirm that beyond a certain point, increasing estrogen dosage will not produce greater feminization. The chance of bad side effects will increase.

It sounds like you may be self-medicating with estrogen. There a trans women who do this and I can understand their motivation. When you find an understanding doctor, please be sure to mention you are taking estrogen. You should be monitored to be sure everything is going well. Hormones are extremely powerful and have large impact on many body systems. Please take care of yourself so you safely reach your goal.

Please keep us updated on your progress. I wish you the very best and hope things will start to get better for you soon.

Hugs,

Danya

Thank you Danya for your concern, I wish I had something more constructive to tell you other than what I have. I think I have fallen into a hole at the moment from which I see no end? I have always tried to keep positive and although I would never do anything silly, it seems stupid but I just keep hoping a new tomorrow will bring a better day and I love life too much. However... and maybe this thread would be better somewhere else but I feel as though what I once thought I would be able to do with ease has become an impossible mountain to climb. The older I have got the more I have become increasingly concerned with transitioning, people who know me would say thats crazy I dont care what anybody thinks of me! and yes as a guy thats true I have few friends and the ones I do have Ive known for years, I dont go out of my way to make friends as I know if they really knew me they wouldnt want to! I guess deep down I care more than anything what people think. As a result I see no way out, and never found talking to anyone any help...sure it helps for a while but with having my problem Ive always come to dealing with things on my own and to some degree talking makes it worse, it makes me actually start thinking more about it when its all I can do to forget every day and as you know thats hard! I want it more than anything in the world! This is why I have started with self castration as I believe it maybe the only way that I will ever do anything about my problem. Maybe you could write abit about how you found things for you when transitioning ?! I am careful with my meds and I will go to my GP and inform him about what I doing. So please worry not. I do know all about the dangers of self medicating and self castration but at the present time feel as though my feelings for them are stronger than my urges not to do it, I am always careful but thanks again for your guidance. I do see a light at the end of the tunnel but for me I fear its alittle way off yet! Thanks again ! yours Sarah.

Hi Sarah,

Making a decision to transition is not always easy and you should consider how you would handle reactions from others. You do not need to be at the point now where you can say 'I really don't care what anyone else thinks' but sometime you need to reach that stage to successfully transition.

This does not mean that you can never transition, if that's what you really want. It simply means you need to work through how you deal with what others think. At some point, my hope is you will be able to do what will make you happy.

There was a time when I was tired of talking and talking about my problems. Now I am glad I put in that effort. Therapy requires work on your part. There are no easy answers and no therapist can tell you what to do. A good therapist can help you find your path and face your fears.

There have been many times in my life when I felt that there was no hope. When that happened, I, too felt things would never improve.

I totally understand that talking to a therapist can seem like a waste of time - and with the wrong therapist it is a waste of time. Nonetheless, you need someone to help you find your way. You are dealing with more than a desire to transition. You are afraid potential friends won't really like you once they get to know you. You say that talking makes things worse because then you think about it (I think you mean transitioning) when you are trying hard to forget that. You have so many conflicting emotions. No wonder you are having difficulty. That is a lot for anyone to deal with.

Sarah, what I hear is a person in a lot of emotional pain and that's an awful place to be. I have been there. Therapy can be very difficult and at times painful as you work through what is going on in your life. It can also get you through a difficult time as you figure out how to live your life.

I still warn you not to self-castrate, dear one. I know the urge can be strong; I self-harmed sporadically over several decades. Performing your own castration carries very real dangers. When your feelings for castration are stronger than your willpower not to go that route, you really need an understanding person to share the burden. There is help out there. The road may not be easy but doing nothing may cause you more difficulty in the long run.

As for me, I have written hundreds of posts here. Some of those describe the difficulties I had in deciding to transition. For years, I could not face who I really am. That caused me great unhappiness and also hurt others, like my ex-wife.

There was the gay therapist who suggested I was transsexual in the late 1990s. I did not deny it but said I was too old to transition. Back then, I was more than 10 years older than you are now. I feared what people would think if I transitioned and I was very afraid that transitioning would cause a major upheaval in the life I had built over decades.

Last October, I was self-harming every night and drinking 5 - 6 beers at the same time. After two weeks of that, I realized that I needed help. Otherwise, I would become an alcoholic and that only makes problems more difficult to solve. There was also the danger that I would physically harm myself in a way not easily made right.

As soon as I made the appointment to see a gender therapist, I stopped self-harming and heavy drinking. Those problems never came back. I transitioned in May, 2008 and at last I am happy.

But...twice in the weeks leading up to transition I was in a panic. What the hell was I thinking when I announced my transition at work? I had my nice little life (never mind that I was desperately unhappy) and I feared that I was throwing all that away for an uncertain future. A few friends from the Archive got me through those tense days and now I am who I was always meant to be.

Sarah, I do not know what the right path is for you. I wish I were there to hug you. I have experienced the kind of emotional pain you describe. I know therapy can be difficult but you cannot handle all that is going on by yourself.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be some distance away but you can reach it. I wish I could tell you an easy way for that to happen but I cannot. There is hope, though, even if you cannot feel it right now.

Just know that whatever decision you make or whatever you do, you are always welcome here. You are among friends.

Hugs,

Danya