English by others

[augman7518 (imported)]

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world.

Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLES THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLES HIM WITH VIGORO

Sign in men's rest room in Japan: TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

One of the Mathare buildings: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Sign in Japanese public bath: FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand: PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM.

Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

[MacTheWolf (imported)]

I'll definitely avoid the water in Acapulco and wines in Swiss restaurants but I will go to Japan. I love an entertaining chambermaid

At least they places are trying to send the correct message.

[colin (imported)]

Most of these are apocryphal and have been around in one form or other since late victorian times, but there is at least one true instance which did not occur in a country where English is not the native tongue.

This was an advertisement which appeared in several magazines including the back page of Radio Times and was brought to notice by the late Alan Coren.

The text which accompanied a photograph of a man in a white coat holding a glass filled with liquid simply read:

'Before it is bottled each batch of Heiniken is tasted and passed by our experts.'

That advert never re-appeared and was replaced by the 'Refreshes parts that other beers do not reach'.

[calmeilles (imported)]

(Unashamedly borrowed from the BBC Radio4 comedy show The News Quiz (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/comedy/newsquiz.shtml))

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters (http://uk.reuters.com/)via The Manchester Evenings News (http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/))

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/))

After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian (http://www.guardian.co.uk/))

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine (http://www.sthelensgarstang.org/))

6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express (http://www.hamhigh.co.uk/))

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who , if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News (http://www.eveningtimes.co.uk/))

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/))

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express (http://www.eveningexpress.co.uk/))

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo (http://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/))

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post (http://www.bangkokpost.com/))

[Arab Nights (imported)]

We English speakers also generate our share of stories when overseas. When you are in a country that does not use the English alphabet, you begin to realize that you are one event away from providing the world with decades of amusement.

Two business men copied down their hotel's street name and it turned out they had written down "ONE WAY."

Or the guys in Russia that went for a walk, again after copying down the hotel's name. They got lost in their wanderings. Trying to get directions back, they showed the paper to a lady. She called the police on them. Eventually at the police station it was worked out that their hotel was not "NO VACANCY."

[FianceeUvBigGuy (imported)]

Somewhere around here is an old hotel brochure brought back from Mexico by BG's parents (RIP) that extols the virtues of the whirlpool feature in the bathtub to be found in each DeLuxe suite. It states "Ladies waiting for their husbands to return from other activities may enjoy a relaxing experience by simply manipulating the chrome-plated lover to be found within easy reach."

Talk about convenience!

Yoli

[Kangan (imported)]

Sign posted in the bathroom of my hotel room in Nagoya. Please keep the door shut when using the shower as the smoke of the steam will cause the fire alarm to malfunction.

[calmeilles (imported)]

Two business men copied down their hotel's street name and it turned out they had written down "ONE WAY."

You think that's funny? On my first visit to Germany I got off the train in Trier and for lack of any other plan followed the signs saying Einganstrasse on the principal that they must lead somewhere.

They did. Back to the station.

[JesusA (imported)]

One great source of photographs of strange English in Asia is the web site www.Engrish.com

There are new additions weekly, so it’s worth checking back occasionally. Here are a few that are currently posted:

1) A sign over a building entrance in south China. There are the Chinese characters for “Tower Stairway,” and under it the Romanization, “Fat Kok.”

2) A photo of the façade of a very impressive church in South Korea with large metal letters proclaiming, “JESUS says: BEHOLD I COME QUICKLY!”

3) A sign outside a small Japanese shop stating, “Horse Shit Toy and Clothing”

4) A sign in a public park in China warning visitors, “Please don’t shit and urinate everywhere”

5) A box containing a small desk-top waste receptacle in the shape of a plastic chicken. The English label calls it a “12" cock Waste Bin”

6) The side of a delivery van in Chennai, India: “For Rent Dead Body Freezer Box”

7) On the front of a mini-bus for a church school in Seoul, Korea: “Church of Fruits”

and there are hundreds more on the site….

[Arab Nights (imported)]

I got off the train in Trier and for lack of any other plan followed the signs saying Einganstrasse on the principal that they must lead somewhere.

At least you did not take the AUSFAHRT signs seriously. Or did you?