The Best of Late Night...

[Charis (imported)]

Yesterday in Washington, the Secret Service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence. The Secret Service told the man, “Get back here, Mr. President, you have two more months."

-Conan O'Brien

"With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000."

-Jay Leno

Not a great day for Cloris Leachman — she was voted off of “Dancing with the Stars” last night. It seems that America can’t wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen.

-Craig Ferguson

"Sarah Palin told a crowd yesterday, when she campaigns, she doesn't wear her wedding ring because the shape of it hurts her finger when she's shaking a lot of hands. And Bill said to Hillary, 'See! I told you I wasn't making it up.'"

-Jay Leno

"On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?"

-David Letterman

Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives or a BeDazzler.

-Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, Barack Obama had a half-hour television special. Did anybody happen to see it? It's a lot of money, ladies and gentlemen. Don't kid yourself. A half-hour, prime-time network television. I mean, it costs a lot of dough. And they say it was the most money spent by a Democrat for a half an hour since Eliot Spitzer."

-David Letterman

"And President Bush [is] preparing to leave the White House. That's a big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side, not a lot of books to pack up."

-Jay Leno

There is more political fallout today. Apparently, because of arguments over their political stances, “The View’s” Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar are no longer speaking. Two down, three to go.

-Craig Ferguson

Just six days from today, we’ll know for sure exactly which candidate will be suing the other for voter fraud.

-Jay Leno