The Taser "Gift"

[A-1 (imported)]

No, not me... but sent TO me... :-\

This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle....then find yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that come with the laughter.) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....'WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **%!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

"If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid."

[tugon (imported)]

I knew not to taser myself but for those who were unsure this is an important public service message.

"Don't tase me bro".

[kristoff]

I own one of those things, and the temptation was there once to find out its "impact." Then I went to a class where they were demonstrated. The "allure of the forbidden," so to speak was suddenly banished to hell and gone. What you have read before, it is true!

As the man said, "Don't Tase me, Bro."

[NaziNuts (imported)]

The next National Treasure movie is going to reveal a little known fact about Benjamin Franklin doing a similar experiment centuries ago.

Remember the kite in a thunder storm that was supposed to have a key at the end of the string. Well, "key" was really short-hand for the "key to happiness" which in Franklin's time meant the penis. All of his stories have had to be cleaned up because what he really said on another subject was, "A penis saved is a penis earned."

And, the Farmers' Almanac was really the Eunuchs' Almanac. "Almanac" itself is a reference to Almonds, a kind of nut of course, and well you can now see the connection.

So, Benjamin Franklin Gates, played by Nicholas Cage, will reveal all this in the third movie. It will be another really good yarn.

All of this was told to me by Jesse Ventura and a friend of his at PETA who was looking into somebody thinking about tasing a pet cat...

Seriously, thanks for the laughs and the honest report. I'm glad you, and most of your parts, are OK there A-1.

From NaziNuts, who is actually anti-Nazi.

[Batman (imported)]

Very funny...of course cats are our masters, not the other way around..just for clarification...

[Dave (imported)]

>>In fake fur leopard print so it's soft to the touch

>>Imagine stroking the volume on the MP3 player and tasering yourself.

NEW YORK (Associated Press) - Taser International Inc.'s newest weapons for the public

will come in leopard print and fit in a holster embedded with an MP3 player, the stun gun

maker said Monday.

Taser wants to make it easy for people to integrate its C2 "personal protector"

stun guns into their lives, company spokesman Peter Holran said.

"If people buy the C2 Taser and leave it in a drawer or under a shelf, it does them

no good when they need it," Holran said.

The Taser C2, which shoots two electrically charged darts with the same shocking power as

the police version, was launched last year. It previously came in four colors _ silver,

black, blue and pink. The company said Monday that it would also make the guns available

in leopard print, "fashion" pink, and "red-hot" red.

"Women want whatever they're carrying _ from a lipstick case to their eyeglass case

to their Taser _ to look nice and be something they won't mind if it falls out of their

purse," Holran said.

[kristoff]

>>In fake fur leopard print so it's soft to the touch

>>Imagine stroking the volume on the MP3 player and tasering yourself.

NEW YORK (Associated Press) - Taser International Inc.'s newest weapons for the public

will come in leopard print and fit in a holster embedded with an MP3 player, the stun gun

maker said Monday.

Taser wants to make it easy for people to integrate its C2 "personal protector"

stun guns into their lives, company spokesman Peter Holran said.

"If people buy the C2 Taser and leave it in a drawer or under a shelf, it does them

no good when they need it," Holran said.

The Taser C2, which shoots two electrically charged darts with the same shocking power as

the police version, was launched last year. It previously came in four colors _ silver,

black, blue and pink. The company said Monday that it would also make the guns available

in leopard print, "fashion" pink, and "red-hot" red.

"Women want whatever they're carrying _ from a lipstick case to their eyeglass case

to their Taser _ to look nice and be something they won't mind if it falls out of their

purse," Holran said.

Hell, I gotta trade mine in. It is black with a black shoulder holster I can also put on my belt. Ugly bulky thing - good thing I don't need it for work anymore. Would hate to be out of step with the latest in fashions....