Interesting recounting of a guy from Thailand how common penectomy is there

[SplitDik (imported)]

http://www.bangkokpost.com/lifestyle/fa ... -good-yarn

A tale of Thai infedility and cruel revenge has dinner companions ducking for cover

Published: 14/08/2011 at 12:00 AM

Newspaper section: Brunch

Trust me to ruin a perfectly good dinner party. It had been a wonderful Southern Californian summer's night as five of us sat on the balcony of a house that overlooked the Hollywood Hills. Ah, how many starlets and filmdom movers and shakers dwelled in the houses around us, I wondered.

(All of whom can't use their mobile phones; Los Angeles has no mobile coverage in and around the Hollywood sign. Who would have thought? Brad and Angelina have to rely on clunky old house phones.)

The dinner party consisted of four Americans _ my two friends plus a nice visiting Texan couple named Rick and Rena. With names like that they should have been a Country and Western singing duo, or at least a travelling puppet show.

Rick was quiet and bald; perhaps out of sympathy for his wife whose hair looked like an exploding mushroom. I can't imagine the hole she made in the ozone layer that night thanks to hairspray.

Rena also had a permanent expression of surprise on her face; not necessarily from the tales of Thailand I was espousing, but more from the cow poison just beneath her facial skin. Nevertheless they were intensely interested in my stories about Thailand.

Yes, the night had been mine. Honestly, dear reader, I am like a walking talking billboard for the Tourism Authority of Thailand when I am here in the US. I conveniently forget the ills of my adopted country such as evil politicians, bad traffic and clueless department store sales staff.

Instead I rave about the beauty of the well-mannered Thai people (true), the pristine beaches (partly true) and the unspoiled beauty of the national parks (a bald-faced lie). Nobody is around to correct, so I embellish with pride.

We were enjoying our post-dessert coffee. My two American friends were in the kitchen when Rick brought up the news story that had captured the nation's interest.

"Did you read about the Orange County woman who severed her husband's penis then put it in the insinkerator?" Rick asked, and Rena spluttered into her decaf.

"Rickkkkk!" she cawed like an eagle. "Not at the table!"

"I don't mind," I said. "Besides, it wouldn't rate a mention in Thailand. That sort of thing happens all the time over there."

Dead silence.

"Well, not the insinkerator bit because we don't have those in Thailand," I continued, oblivious. "But it goes on regularly. Thai surgeons are known throughout the world for being expert in two procedures _ gender reassignment and genital reattachment."

My captive audience leant forward with their mouths agape and eyebrows raised _ excluding Rena of course.

"What on earth are you talking about, honey?" asked Rena.

Me and my big mouth. Blame it on the alcohol _ I swear that is the last time I begin with a beer, move onto screwdrivers and Pinot Grigio then finish the evening off with a glass of Remy Martin.

"Well you see it's like this. Thai women have been doing that for ages. Thai men are such philanderers," I said, shaking my head and using a tone of voice suggesting Western men weren't. It was the alcohol talking, though which one I'm not sure.

"It's quite common for a woman in Thailand to wait until her husband is sleeping, then find a sharp knife and cut off his penis," I said. "It's called 'Feeding the Ducks'."

"Eeeeeeeeeeek!"

That was Rena making the noise. Rick just shifted uncomfortably in his chair and crossed his legs.

"That's because after they cut it off, they throw the severed penis out the back window where the ducks and chickens are running around," I said to my eternal shame. "The ducks then pull it to pieces and eat it."

"I wonder if they need any help in the kitchen," said Rick. He was gone in two seconds, rushing to the kitchen while pulling at his crotch.

"Continue," ordered Rena. Her face was up close to me now. I was reminded of that scene in A Streetcar Named Desire where Karl Malden forces Blanche up against a lightbulb, belying her true age. Rena was probably 107.

"That's about it," I said. "Lots of guys wake up in time to put their, ah, member on ice and rush to the nearest hospital. It happens so frequently Thai doctors have gotten good at the procedure."

As Rena cupped a hand over her bright red lips _ no doubt leaving an impression on her palm _ I knew it was time for me to shut up. Thus I did not continue on and tell her of the time I read a story on page one of a Thai scandal rag.

It was during a Thai reading class in 1990 when my teacher had page one of Thai Rath on the table. I wasn't good at reading then. There was one headline I could make out and it had the word "duck".

I had chosen a story about a senior police officer from Mae Hong Son whose wife had discovered he had a mistress.

The wife did exactly as I had described to Rena. In 1990 I was very green and my reaction was similar to Rick's in 2011, but my female teacher explained it to me in very clear English.

"Some flush it down the toilet," she told me. "Wealthier women put it in the blender in their kitchen. I recall there was one woman who attached the severed end to a helium balloon and released it to the heavens."

Surely having the whole country know of your, er, sudden shortcomings was bad enough. That poor police officer probably had to wear dark glasses and a fake beard the next time he fleeced motorists on the side of the Mae Hong Son highway.

But it got worse. Thai Rath explained how he'd managed to retrieve his member from the ducks, pack it in ice, and drive himself to the local hospital.

Unfortunately doctors were unable to reattach the penis, but they had a good excuse. According to Thai Rath, in big black letters on page one: It was too small.

"So this happens regularly all over Thailand," one of my American friends asked. They were back from the kitchen, along with a reluctant Rick who'd no doubt ratted on me while he was in there.

"Uh huh," I said. "I mean, medical services are excellent in Thailand. Not just for reattaching penises; you should come over if you need anything done." There I go again, sounding like a TAT billboard. But my attempts to change the subject were in vain.

"You told us Thais were such well-mannered, peaceful people," said Rick.

"They are!" I said. "You won't find nicer people anywhere on earth."

"So _ how does that reconcile with the duck business?" Rena asked. She would have arched her eyebrows if she could. "How can you be peaceful and well-mannered if you go round cutting off penises with knives?"

"That sounds like a violent race of people to me," said Rick.

"They're not!" I replied defensively. "You gotta understand. Sometimes Thai men, well, they like to play around."

"And that's justification for genitally mutilating them?" asked Rick, who I never liked from the start.

"They're not genitally mutilating them!" I said. Now my voice was raised.

"So what are they doing, then?" he asked.

I wanted to stand up and stamp my feet. I wanted to shout out: "You leave Thai people alone!" Instead I just shrugged my shoulders and looked out over the Hollywood hills. My mouth was as paralysed as Rena's eyebrows.

"Another Remy Martin?" my friend asked, holding up the champagne brandy bottle.

"I think he's had enough," said Rena.

[dualballs (imported)]

Yes that woman who did the deed in LA recently is Vietnamese. This is seems to be a frequent form of vengance performed by Asian Ladies.

[Slammr (imported)]

I had a girl in Thailand threaten to cut mine off with a pair of scissors because I fucked another girl. I don't know why she was pissed. I was cheating on the other girl with her.

"One man, two rooms," the hotel clerk said, shaking his head.

Oh, to be young again and to be back in Thailand.

[dualballs (imported)]

Some women cannot take a joke.