I've been on Androcur now for 7 1/2 weeks. I certainly have no way of knowing how the effects I've experienced on this limited trial would compare with actual physical castration. Just as quick background, though, I'll say my libido totally disappeared several weeks ago and even after the first week or two on Androcur it was very minimal. I haven't minded this at all. After initially describing myself as have gender issues or gender dysphoria, I've now accepted that I am truly transgendered, likely male to eunuch. Admitting I'm transgendered seems a lot more positive than saying I've got gender issues My gender therapist views the depression I've dealt with my whole life to be in full remission. Sounds really good and in fact it is. It's just that, today, I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by my emotions. This isn't the first time I've felt this really strong emotional response since I started Androcur. Today, though, there's more of a mixture of emotions. Before it was more simple happiness and lots of it. There's nothing I'm feeling today that is negative but I'm feeling out of control because of the variety of my feelings. One strong feeling of happiness and I can cope reasonably well. Today I just don't know what to do with all these feelings. Someone here would tell me to 'relax and enjoy the emotions'. I basically agree with that and can usually actually relax that way. Not today. I feel out of control and at the mercy of all these feelings. I've found my increased emotions on Androcur for the most part to be a very good thing and I don't want to give that up. Today, though, I almost feel like I've got to scream for help. Again, none of these feelings are bad, I just don't feel like I've got the coping skills to deal with all of them at once.

I have no doubt you will learn to cope. This is new to you , don't expect to be able to deal with everything at once. You are doing very well but you are not super human, you have to have time to adjust. Even good feelings can be overwhelming at times. Your reactions should smooth out with time and with a little support from your friends. There are people here who have gone through long term Androcur programs, perhaps they can offer you their perspective too. --FLO--

Welcome to the emotional rollercoaster! Having never used chemical castration I do not know how closely my feelings post castration parallel yours from androcur. Testosterone for me seemed to have blocked many emotions and once it was out of my system all the emotions washed over me like waves. When I was happy I was happier and when something was sad I had tears to shed. I still feel things intensely but I do not show them as publicly as before.

Learning to adjust to this wider range of emotions took some time. I learned to enjoy the intense feelings and in many cases they prompted me to do good things. I found I had less depression. I am not consistently happy but I find my emotions are more appropriate to the situation. Now if I am depressed it is due to a negative event and not a state of being.

I wish you the best in adapting to all the feelings coming your way.

Thanks for the really helpful advice, Flo and tugon. I'm especially impressed by Flo's apparent esp. He's somehow hit upon a trait of mine that can be a strength and a weakness. That is, feeling superhuman. Now, please don't start to think I'm psychotic, I don't literally believe I'm superhuman . I do tend to think, though, that I can get through just about anything enitrely on my own. This a foolish attitude and when I'm conciously aware that I'm feeling that way, I try hard to stop it. Tugon, I also appreciate your input. It makes a huge difference just knowing there are folks who have experienced what I am now. I don't feel nearly so alone.

-Todd

I only managed a week on cyproterone (androcur) 50mg daily before deciding to quit. Initially, I felt a mixture of really relaxed, and slightly shaky. I liked the relaxed bit - I assumed this was the eunuch calm people talk about. I assumed the slightly shaky feeling was a mixture of emotional excitement and the physical shock my body was experiencing because of the hormonal changes. But I was soon experiencing terrible hot legs at night (hot flashes) and I was hardly sleeping at all. I started to feel a low mood coming on and it frightened me into making the snap decision to quit taking the cyproterone. I later discovered that I had been developing a severe allergy to the cat, which was causing my sleeplessness due to allergic rhinitis. Now that I have that problem sorted I find myself wondering if I might be able to tolerate cyproterone more easily. I might try again sometime soon. Please keep us posted on your progress Todd. Best of luck.

Hi Riven,

Thanks for your comments on you own experience. One of the things I have found on Androcur is that my hands are more shaky than normal. I've got the inherited 'essential tremor' which was nearly under control when I started Androcur but not anymore. I'm still able to play the piano, though, so it doesn't bother me. I also felt really relaxed when i first started Androcur and still do but I have some problems sleeping. That's probably mostly because I never feel like going to bed because I'm doing so well. Instead, I'm up until 1 AM writing emails and posting to the archive! . So I'm always a bit short on sleep. I've got to start forcing myself to wind down in the evenings, relax and get to bed at a decent hour. I don't think I've had a single hot flash now and tomorrow evening will mark 8 weeks for me on Androcur. I got really sweaty once trying to ejaculate but that was an intense nearly two-hour, but fruitless workout. My mood has been consistently very up and people at work note it. For me, this is confirmation I'm headed in the right direction.

I really didn't think I could possibly have another happiness attack as intense and pure as what I experienced a weeks ago Monday. This occurred before the 'attack' I discuss in my first posting on this thread. None the less, that's happened again today. It started building about mid-morning and by afternoon it was in full swing. A few friends have been concerned that these experiences indicated I'm bipolar but that's not it. The only thing I'm experiencing is the emotion. I've got no thoughts of achieving grand things, I'm never tempted to stay up all night working on the next great American novel or anything similar. Besides, I don't subsequently crash into depression. I may crash from emotional exhaustion but that's something else. I didn't feel as out of control today, though, because of all the great input from others who have been through similar experiences. One friend compared normal emotional life to being on a two-lane highway with bad emotions going in one directions and good in the other. After castration, it's like you're now on an 8-lane emotional superhighway!:D Much more difficult to navigate. I realize it's very likely that I'll have attacks of bad emotions down the road. I don't see myself getting depressed about those. My gender therapist, aware if my life-long history of depression, considers it to be in full remission. More proof for me that I'm on the right road.

Over the weekend, a friend on the archive pointed out that I'm very excited now. He wisely pointed out, and this I hadn't considered at all, that this excitement can intimidate people. I've never really considered myself an intimidating sort of person. Certainly I've never tried or even considered the possibility of physically intimidating anyone. That's just not in me. It's not my intention at all to be intimidating in a non-physical way, either. None the less, I know that what people perceive can easily be very different from my intention. My positive emotions were so powerful yesterday, and hadn't lessened by the time I went to bed, that even I was starting to feel a little intimidated:) This makes me concerned about what my friends may be feeling. Another problem is that, earlier in the day, I was unable to get much work done because I so excited and happy. I do need to be concerned about keeping my job. Once in bed, I was sobbing for a minute or two. I feel like I'm a speeding object that needs to shed some energy to safely return to earth. So, I've got two things I'm going to do today to try to reduce this energy to more manageable levels. I've got a prescription, a mood stabilizer, that I'm supposed to take when I'm need high levels of prednisone (like 3 - 4 times the normal dose) to control my asthma. On high doses of prednisone, I've got insomnia and can't calm down at all. I feel super hyper and don't exercise all the caution I should. My reaction to prednisone is on most levels different to what I find with Androcur. I don't get the really happy feeling I've had on Androcur, for instance. I don't lose my sense of caution on Androcur either, but I could still probably use a little mood stabilization. As part of my plan to become calmer I'm going to use the prescription to, I really hope, help me to be calmer in short order. I don't intend to use the it beyond today. The other action that I think will be a long term solution is to exercise and I'll start that no later than this afternoon. I'd been exercising regularly until about 10 days ago. This should help immediately and I need the discipline to keep exercising at least 4 times a week. When I got up, I was feeling that there was no one I could talk with about what I'm feeling this morning. It's not that friends won't listen, and I'm particularly thinking of friends on the archive who have offered terrific support. I just don't want to wear them out Simply writing this has helped me feel much better because I know there will be sympathtic people reading it. They've either been in the spot I'm in or they're very well aware of the strong emotions that can come with low levels of testosterone. I've got no intention of stopping Androcur, BTW, but I will find an effective way to burn off some of my excitement. I certainly don't want to entirely eliminate it either. Overall, I'm very pleased with the new person I've become on Androcur.

Interesting to hear that you are shaky Todd. I don't think I was visibly trembling but I felt a little shaky when on androcur. I simply assumed that my body was slightly shocked by the sudden change in hormone levels. I wonder what's happening to adrenaline levels when on androcur. Perhaps, with testosterone suppressed, adrenaline is having a greater affect? (This is the sort of thing an endocrinologist might be able to fill us in on.) But Todd, what dose of Androcur are you on? It might be that you could reduce your dose. The instructions with the drug say that as little as 10mg PER WEEK is enough to induce impotence in some subjects. I found that 50mg daily for a week left me impotent for the following 3-4 weeks, and it was months before I was back to normal. This is strong stuff! I am pretty sure that if/when I try the drug again I'll start by taking half a tab (25mg) per day and I am expecting that to be more than enough.

Riven,

Your point on a possible connection of shakiness with adrenaline is interesting. I will be seeing, on Feb. 11, the physician at the University of Minnesota who works with hormones for transgendered people, among other things. I'll ask her about this. I'd wondered before if there might be a tie-in of my shakiness with the adrenal glands since they are affected by Androcur shutting down their testosterone production.

I'm taking 100 mg a day. I was concerned a little bit ago that I'd run out of Androcur before my replacement supply arrived. Androcur isn't available here in the US so I've ordered from InHouse Pharmacy. So I was cutting back on the daily dose. First I dropped back to 50 mg/day for about a week. At first, I didn't notice any difference and thought that was great. Less chance of side effects on a lower dose with the added benefit of lower cost. Toward the end of that week and as I switched to an even lower dose of 25 mg/day, though, I started to feel that some of the effects of the drug were disappearing. I wasn't feeling as good, my emotions weren't as strong (and I really missed that). Generally, I wasn't happy about it. My reaction may have been 'all in my head' but I'm not sufficiently convinced to try lowering the dose again.

I agree Androcur is a really powerful drug. Fortunately, my personal doctor is now monitoring my bloodwork, etc. to pick up any signs I'm having problems with it. I had tried it early in the year for about 6 days and was really surprised at how quickly I got some of the desired effects. I tend to be a little impatient and I'd started at 200 mg/day for 2 days then lowered it to 100 mg/day. Up to 300 mg/day may be prescribed for prostate cancer patients but the risk of side effects increases significantly at higher doses. This long-winded description of dosages is my attempt to rationalize my 200 mg/day starting dose when I should have stuck with 100 mg.

When I started my current round of Androcur I also started with 200 mg/day for several days. I knew it wasn't a good idea to stay at that level for long.

When I see the university endocrinologist in February, I'm going to ask her to switch me to an anti-androgen type drug available here in the US. By the time I see her, I will have been in the U transgender program for longer than the minimum 3 months necessary for them to consider working with any kind of hormones with you. So, I don't think she'll have any problem helping me to continue on my changed, reduced hormone state. If I finally go through with castration, which is likely, I will want some minimal hormone replacement for health reasons. I might be perfectly OK with that being T or E.