From a very young age, nearly all of my memory recall, I have had an undying preoccupation with my penis, size and image, as well as detailed fantasies about losing it in a wide variety of ways, both violent and intimate. The thoughts of my 'manhood' seem to have been constant, confusing my self-image with that of my image of my penis, it being my self-designated symbol of my manliness. I suppose many things contributed to this left-field fixation. Parents to a certain extent, overprotective mother and emotionally absent father.

I never really had many close friends during my youth, I lived far off in the boonies, where one could look up at the night sky and see a billion stars and a thousand galaxies, without the light pollution one finds near cities. I mean there was nothing, no clubs, no hang-outs, no pizza, nothing for miles except some cottages, and further-out some real houses. It was a lonely existence to say the least. Winters were especially grim, not even the summer people were around. It was peaceful, yet utterly dead and virtually stagnant. Just me and my parents, and lots of snow and a frozen lake. Needless to say I became something of an introvert, spending long hours alone, with only my own thoughts and actions for company. I would read quite often, sitting against a tree or in a forest clearing somewhere. I had many special places I would go to and hang-out, but I was nearly always solo. Somehow I acquired a very skewed vision of myself, I was embarrassed with girls, most of the time, and not so good with the other boys. I was a quiet boy with a white hot fire just behind my eyes. Quick to anger, yet equally as quick to hide from the world, stewing in my own juices, warping my psyche perhaps further. Caught in a feedback lope, feeding myself ever increasing amounts of negative self-view and reinforcing it with spiraling piles of self-loathing and, admittedly, self-hatred. I took all the good qualities that I possess and I turned them around on myself, to see them as bad things. One of the most important and mind-runtime consuming things to me was, and still is, my sexuality. Due to the constant craving for a orgasmic rush, I became obsessed with masterbation and spent allot of time finding increasingly more bizarre ways to stimulate myself, to make the rush of endorphines that must better and stronger. Because in that moment, I found escape from the outside world, which seemed to scare me so, and temporary release from the compelling thoughts that plagued my conscienceness. I would play games with myself, dealing with removal of my penis and such things.

I guess what I have always longed for is a detachment from the constant pull and the everpresent, nearly mind-numbing nag, of my penis.

I see that I have changed quite alot from that boy. I have learned alot about myself and others in the time since my boyhood. I have become more aware of myself and more secure in my fantasies and sexuality, and more loving to the wonderful man I really am. I suppose that is why I am here, writing this. I have come to a point where I can be open and honest with myself and further explore my inner-most desires.

I'm always open to conversation, if anyone want to conversate.

Peace to all. A love, alot of love goes a long way.:hearthrob

Jess

My earliest sexual fantasy was with the movie "Treasure Island". One scene had the bad guy seated on a boat holding the boy hero on his lap and holding a knife to the kids lower belly. I often wondered about the knife going down just a bit to the kids groin.

Back in grade school i use to watch in fascination when these two boys use play games with each others penises. The one i remember clearly was one was laying down on the grass and the other would sit next to him and pretend a make believe a unseen penis was a stick shift while pretend driving. I wanted to play with but was to scared to do so.

Even though i lived in Orange County California (right next to L.A.) I might as well been out in the woods all alone. I was the one everyone picked on repeatedly. My parents had me switched elementary schools three times. So it made me very shy. I think we could be kindred spirits.

There is this movie called Ice Pirates, which I had first seen when I was 8 or so. It has this one scene where men are on a conveyer belt, they are de-clothed and shaved by workers talking about other things, then they move down the line and are supposed to have thier genitals removed by a machine, but the princess saves the main characters from eunuchism. It sparked my imagination. It is kind of a cheesy movie but that scene has stuck with me through-out the years since.

It is funny how a scene in a movie will stick in your mind, or meeting someone. And that is what your mind remembers, and the rest is lost. Another movie that had a big impact on me is the original "Planet of the Apes." The movie has all my favorite bondage setups though i would not realize that until later in adulthood. One other movie and book is "I am Legend" for some reason i have a thing for end of the world stories. I wonder now if the new version about to come out with Will Smith will be any good.

Jess;

I loved your first message. I too grew up much the same as you did in a small town in the middle of nowhere and man I have to tell you, for years I have searched for a way to say all the things you said there the way you felt and alot of the things you did to yourself I am sure were so much like what I went through even your feelings and emotion came out in what you said. Thank you for saying it for me as well. I too liked that part in the ice pirates. but I realy need to tell you I have never given up on seeking these things out untill now I can finally do that now that I know someone else has gone through it and felt like I did. If you ever need anyone to talk with you can always talk with me I will be honest about everything with you. feeel free to e-mail or IM me anytime I go by zhodiac7 on msn & yahoo and will be more than happy to talk with you. good luck and happy hunting....