(Actually, just thought, it anyone wants to put this onto Mac's thread, that's fine, sorry, I tried to delete it and re-post it on his existing thread but the 'delete' bit didn't come up).

Today is a fairly typical day in my life ...

0900 I turned on the news. There was a report about an earthquake in Folkstone, Kent (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/6602677.stm).

My parents, who are both in their 70's now, live not too far from there and so I rang to check they were both ok. BIG MISTAKE!! They hadn't seen the news. I tried explaining to them that they could turn their own TV on and see the reports but that seemed too complicated and so I explained it to them.

They were both fine.

At 0945 my father rang me. Did I think it was a Government-sponsored earthquake? Er, no! He says, ok fine, just wanted to check. I say, good, bye bye.

1000 my mother rings to say : "your father is very worried about this so-called earthquake, what do you know about it?"

By this point I'm losing the will to live but I say :

"Look, I don't know nuffink, I just saw it on the news, that's all, go about your business and forget about it".

She says ok.

1100 my father rings me. "So you don't think it was aimed at me?"

I say no, honestly it was just one of those things. He says ok.

Midday he rings again. He's now seen it on the news. It doesn't make geological sense, he says, something is wrong. I say "hey look, I'm not a seismologist, I really don't know but I'm prepared to believe it was an earthquake". He hums and hah's and says ok, maybe.

1300 he rings to tell me that he's rung several of his friends and they all think it was an earthquake too.

Blimey O'Reilly! This, of course, is all my own fault. I do KNOW my father and his reactions to things and, as he's got older, it's got worse but still...

My father was a political dissident (in the days before they became popular!) and so he has a very natural and understandable paranoia but it's VERY hard to live with! Two years ago he had a stroke which has DEFINITELY made him worse, again this is not his fault, he can't help it but it's so difficult to deal with.

I try to be understanding and I try to be reasonable with him but he really is very demanding. I don't live with them, in fact I live a very long way away from them, but my mother becomes very distressed if HE gets distressed and so I end up having about fifteen 'phone calls a day from one or the other of them. They don't understand if I'm busy and I wouldn't be busy if it was really important but it never really is!

I genuinely worry that one day one of them will call and I'll only half-listen (this is my usual technique) and I'll miss something really urgent. I also really worry about them living on their own as they're both a bit chaotic at the best of times (they always have been truth be told but it's definitely getting worse). They are very absent-minded which, again, they always have been, but this is something else, it's beyond a joke.

Mac's post about Alzheimer's and his own situation made me think it would be ok to post about this. I have no idea how to approach them, in a way which would be ok for them, about how worried I am about their ability to live happily and safely alone. One of these days I'm convinced I'll get a 'phone call from the police to say they've accidentally left the gas on and blown themselves up.

Hmm, in the meantime I'm stuck with fifteen daily 'phone calls about whether the Government is after them or not. In some desparation I have even asked them if they'd like to come to live with me which they refused feeling very insulted that I'd asked.

My father still drives which worries the life out of me (and my mother) but the doctors have said he's ok to drive (after the stroke) and so he does but he's terribly erratic and, frankly, when I've been in the car with him driving, he terrifies me.

I am very close to my parents, they have been incredibly supportive of all the decisions I've had to make in my life, I obviously want to do the right thing for them but KNOWING what the right thing is is very difficult. When I'm out at work, I come home and have loads of mis-calls listed on my 'phone, all from them, by the time I 'phone them back, they've usually forgotten what they called about.

If anyone has ever been in a similar situation, concerned about elderly parents, I would really and genuinely appreciate any input.

Thanks.

(just to add a caveat, my father really does have reasons to suffer the paranoia he does, he escaped the USSR in the days where it was fairly dangerous to do that and he's always been very paranoid but this is really something else.)

dingbat, you seem so lovely

just thought id add that!!!

Dingbat,

A stroke damages the brain. It can affect the judgement center in strange ways without causing any other symptoms. My father didn't have Alzheimer's, but he did suffer from micro strokes which caused him to do some really weird things. For example he told the family that his funeral was paid for, when it wosn't. He also insisted that the family lawyer was a person who turned out not to be a lawyer at all - he turned out to be a retired minister acquaintance who had taken pre-law in college but switched to divinity studies instead. I could go on and on - you get the idea....

Sounds like your father has vascular dementia, just like my father.

Dingbat

I definitely sympathesize...hell, I can even empathsize as I live it everyday and have been for almost three years.

I read your thread with great interest and I found myself snickering throughout it as I thought to myself...how did dingbat end up with my parents?

I'm not sure what would be worse...receiving fifteen calls a day from mom or dad or my situation, mom lives with me and yells for me to do somthing for her 15 to 30 times a day in person.

My dad died a decade ago. Fortunately, my mom can no longer drive a car, a fact she is yet unaware of. I worry for your parents on the road. I'd hate to think of my mom behind the wheel...shudder.

Keep posting on your life. Tell us about you and your wacky parents as it makes me feel I'm not alone in the world.

Maybe ABC TV here could do a comedy series called Mac and Wacko and BBC-TV could do the english version, "Son of Two Dingbats."

I want to hear more of your dad. He sounds like an educated, well-intentioned and interesting chap I always thought my dad was a bit boring but your's sounds entertaining.

Be thankful you can live apart from them...be really thankful.

Hi Dingbat,

It sounds like a tough situation to be in. I remember when my stepfather's vision was going do to macular degeneration. He was never that great a driver any way and things just got worse and worse. I was terrified to ride in the car with him. One time when he was out on his own he hit a bus and nocked the mirror off the passenger side of the car, but he wasn't really sure he had hit the bus or not. I knew if he kept driving some one was going to get seriously hurt or killed, but I knew he wouldn't give up driving on my advice. So I told my mother how concerned I was. She was concerned as well and just needed a little encouragement to confront my step father. It was tough on his pride but he did give up the car.

It's going to be tough to get them to see they do need some help. Given your father's paranoia the gentile nudging will have to come from some one he trust. That would be you, or perhaps your mother or other close relatives. I don't know how things work in England, but over here the state will step in at some point and handle the situation usually not in the most gentile way. It's much better if people can plan ahead and get into an assisted living situation of their choice.

It's hard to give very good advice since I don't know your parents and since I don't have a lot of experience with this kind of thing, but it sounds like your mother is going to be your best bet. Since pride and self esteem are always involved in these situations it might be best to just gently mention your concerns for their well being. I guess what I'm trying to say is that long term gentile persuasion will get you further than a few big pushes..... especially if you can get your mom on board. I'm not even sure if you should approach you dad with this or not. He sounds like a proud an and this tends to a very tough thing for them.

Well I don't know what else to tell you. My advice could be totally off, but I hope every thing works out well. I know it's just the toughest thing to love some one and not be able to help, but some how you are helping, just by loving them.

Hugggggggggs

Jema

Hey. It's tough when ones parents aren't well. I have had the luck - so far - to have healthy, sane and wholesome parents. But I feel for you.

The mother of a friend to my parents started to slip into dementia. Then she was put on medication by a physican to slow down the progress. However the dosage she needed, made her a bit paranoid. She started to complain that the people in her television climed out of it to taunt her. She didn't mind them all that much - but she couldn't hear what they said in her favorite show anymore.

That was a real tough choice. Less medication or more paranoia? Life can be so cruel sometimes.

dementia is just a nice way of saying "alzheimers".

don't forget that this disease has many, many faces...

people with mental impairments should be evaluated regularlly by a professional to determine if they should be living alone.

if a person who is forgetful leaves a kitchen range on and goes to bed they can start a fire that will kill them.

Thanks so much for all the replies, it's very helpful for me to feel that other people understand this type of situation.

My mother is totally eccentric and always has been but it's definitely become worse in recent years. I used to leave my answerphone on but, after a couple of 'situations', I've now had to take the decision to leave it off.

When I recount this story you have to remember that my mother is not a native English speaker and so sometimes does get confused by things on that level.

I used to have a pre-recorded answerphone message on my 'phone (one of those messages you can buy), it was a rip-off of a British comedian Kenny Everett. The message contained Kenny Everett pretending to be at a party and too busy to answer the 'phone. It had party noises in the background. When my mother rang my 'phone and got the message she immediately 'phoned my local police station to inform them that "some man had broken into my house and was having a party" and instructed them to go round immediately which they did! I came home to a broken door (thanks to the efficiency of the police!) and a big notice stuck to it asking me to contact them! THAT was kind of difficult to explain rationally to the police!

So, I took that message off!

Then I left a message with my voice just asking people to leave a message. Once again my mother didn't understand and she would leave a message which consisted of her full name and address, MY full name and address and a very sweet message asking "could somebody possibly contact Dingbat for me?" (obviously she didn't say Dingbat but you get the jist?), I would then come home to an answerphone TOTALLY full of these messages, each time she would leave all her details and all of mine as she seemed to be under the impression that it was some type of central answering service!

I tried and tried to explain this to her and, each time I did, she'd say "oh right, yes of course, how silly of me" and then proceed to do EXACTLY the same thing the next day!

So, now, I no longer use an answerphone!

My father, in the past, was always someone who was very articulate, very well-informed and a generally on-the-ball kind of person which makes it even harder to watch him now. They had very clearly defined roles, my father had the stereotypical male role, my mother the female one. He took care of everything and they were happy that way. Now they're in a situation where she has suddenly been placed into the position of having to care for him and it's not working out well.

Very recently I was at work, in the middle of a seminar with a group of students. The faculty secretary came in and whispered to me that my father was on the 'phone and I should come immediately. I left the classroom and ran off to the office (he doesn't usually 'phone me at work). By the time I got to the 'phone and said hello, he said "oh hello there, how are you?", I said "Look, I'm not being funny but YOU 'phoned me, what do you want?", he said "oh dear, did I? Hmm" slight pause then he says "ah yes, I wanted to ask you if you had a nice time when you last came down to see us?" (Grrrrrrr!!) I said yes, thank you etc. and off he went.

The problem is that he confabulates a lot, in other words, when he can't remember why he's done something, he just makes it up. I'm PERFECTLY sure that he didn't actually ring me to ask me if I'd had a nice time when I last saw them. But then whatever he actually DID ring me for probably didn't make much sense either.

Both of my parents are genuinely sweet people, I really mean that. They are kind, compassionate and decent individuals but it's getting more and more difficult to know how to deal with them.

Last year they went on holiday to the US. I had an intinerary of where they would be. Whilst they were there the UK news reported about a forest fire which had meant that many hotels had had to be evacuated and asking any UK people who had relatives staying in the area to ring the British Foreign Office immediately. This I dutifully did since they were in this area. I gave the chap at the Foreign Office their details and he said he would check they were ok and call me back. Ten minutes later he called me to say they HAD been at that hotel but had since checked out and he couldn't find them. I wasn't sure what to do but he said "not to worry, I'll inform the FBI and they will find them and check they're ok" ... at this point I SHRIEKED down the 'phone "DON'T DO THAT!! My father will have a heart attack if the FBI approach him" (he was imprisoned in the former USSR and has another parnoia about officials in uniform), we eventually agreed to leave it see what happened. Nothing happened. Two weeks later I collected them at the airport. My first question to them was "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?", they looked confused. I explained. Then my father said "oh yes, I think I see what you mean, I think it was the pillows" ??? It turns out that the hotel they were ORIGINALLY booked into had pillows which didn't suit them (work that one out!) and so they changed hotels without telling me.

Next year, they're both having GPS ankle tags!!

I'm terribly worried about how they'll cope when I'm away in America and my current idea is to approach both of them separately and say something like this :

"I don't think you should have to cope with mum/dad on your own and so how about we get someone to come in a few times a day to help YOU to deal with him/her?"

That way, hopefully they'll both feel more comfortable but I'm not too optimistic that it will work ...

A-1 (imported) wrote: Sun Apr 29, 2007 1:43 pm dementia is just a nice way of saying "alzheimers".

don't forget that this disease has many, many faces...

people with mental impairments should be evaluated regularlly by a professional to determine if they should be living alone.

if a person who is forgetful leaves a kitchen range on and goes to bed they can start a fire that will kill them.

Dementia is a generic term for a wide variety of mental diseases.

Alzheimer's disease is only one of many.

A stroke (blood clot or arterial rupture) can cause dementia by disrupting blood flow to the brain (Vascular Dementia). My father had this condition and it destroyed his sense of judgement, eventually his mobility, and finally his life. My mother had both Vascular Dementia and Alzheimer's.

I guess what I should say is that Alzheimer's disease is underdiagnosed.

There is a whole family dynamic phenomenon that goes along with it that often keeps everyone in denial and delays treatment of the patient until the disease is far advanced.

Only a good neurologist should diagnose Alzheimers and differentiate it from other cognitive nerological phenomenon that may or may NOT be stable. Then they should be the one who prescribes medication and treatment.

Saying that, "...oh (s)he's just a little forgetful" or that problems are to be expected "at that age" delays treatment and that is not good.

Be careful... you cannot always trust a general practitioner to make such a diagnosis because the best of them often becomes part of the family dynamics that I mentioned earlier.