After a couple months of careful planning I was finally able to perform my autocastration on December 22nd. Everything went incredibly smoothly (even the urologist who patched me up said he was quite impressed with the excellent job I did. He said people he's dealt with before have mutiliated themselves when they've attempted such a bizarre deed).

I was just discharged after 12 days in the local hospitals Mental Health Impatient unit. It actually wasn't too bad in there at all. I'll fill in the history and bio info later, right now I'm just rather excited to have my freedom again and I'm going to spend the rest of the day recharging/unwinding.

I am glad you are still with us. When you are ready please post more. I would be interested to read about the attitude of the mental health staff regarding your choice. Once again I am glad you are safe.

tugon (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 04, 2007 3:14 pm I would be interested to read about the attitude of the mental health staff regarding your choice.

The staff was very confused. Since I indicated I didn't want a sex change and wasn't suicidal they just couldn't seem to wrap their minds around it. I explained myself to like 20 or so people and, luckily, they were all very nice and supportive; they even were actually quite insightful at times.

I was specifically very surprised at how little pain was involved with the entire procedure after the urologist stitched me up. I expected to be laid up for a while in awful pain.

I'm glad to hear you're still with us, too.

I just hope you don't have a heart failure when they hit you with the bill.

Paolo wrote: Thu Jan 04, 2007 5:46 pm I'm glad to hear you're still with us, too.

I just hope you don't have a heart failure when they hit you with the bill.

I think because they consider me to be crazy Medicaid is going to cover all of this (I think). I'm sure it won't be too long until I find out. So far I've heard nothing of a bill.

twaddler (imported) wrote: Thu Jan 04, 2007 6:55 pm I think because they consider me to be crazy Medicaid is going to cover all of this (I think). I'm sure it won't be too long until I find out. So far I've heard nothing of a bill.

Oh, believe it, you will. Usually takes a month or two. Took em 12days to get me a hospital bill after 1.5 days in ER/Cath Lab/CV unit. Still havent seen a Dr. bill. You may well get Medicaid to cover, but you also may be stuck with tons of paper, and perhaps partial payment. Either way, dealing with that beauracracy, get ready for headaches for long, long time.... Have they tried to hang a psychotic label or push meds on you? Do give us lots of details and info... In meantime, we are happy to have you back. Was wondering where you had gone after you went silent for a bit.

K

'm really not too concerned about the bill, they're going to have to wait in line to get paid, I have more important bills to take care of in the meantime (I was just sentenced yesterday afternoon for an OWI and have $1600 in fines to pay off from that first).

They didn't try to label me as psychotic, though they repeatedly tried to label me as gender dysphoric. I have a long history of PTSD (from some very traumatic Hodgkins treatments a few years back and a plethora of childhood/teen physical and sexual abuse) so they think that is probably the source of my desire to castrate myself (they might be partially correct in that assertion).

Let's see, details:

· (1) Elastrator w/ bands ($9.00).

· (1) box of 10 disposable, sterile gross dissection scalpels.

· (1) 10ml syringe w/ 20gauge needles (I really didn't know 20gauge would look so huge and menacing in diameter -- they kind of frightened me).

· (1) 50ml bottle of Xylocaine (lidocaine + epinephrine).

I sat in my bathroom on the toilet with the seat closed. I taped my penis to my abdomen so I wouldn't accidentally slip and damage it -- a life without a penis is not a life I'd want to live). I steamed my scrotum with a hot washcloth so I would be able to fit 3 Elastrator rings on it (it took much stretching during the day before to get it stretched out enough to hold 3 rings, before, on a test run, I was only able to fit 1 ring). Then I started injected the Xylocaine in various areas around my banded scrotum (2ml here & there). Then I massaged the area to try to spread the Xylocaine around.

After about 10mins I then, with much fear (I was shaking uncontrollably through the entire procedure), quickly poked the needle in my left teste and I expected it to be extremely painful, surprisingly it I felt absolutely nothing and then injected about 5ml of Xylocaine into it (feeling my teste tighten up and expand kind of scared my, I thought it my rupture). I then did the same to my right teste and also went around my scrotum again and injected a bunch more Xylocaine just to make sure there was going to be little or no pain.

Then I cracked open one of the scalpel and gently began to make an incision vertically along the left side of my scrotum directly over my left teste. This is where I began to kind of question what the hell I was doing; I thought "Whoa! What the fuck are you doing? You should go to the hospital right now!"

But I continued and kept slicing along that same incision until I made it through the scrotum and hit that transparent sack that contained my left teste. So I rapidly began to slice through that and finally made it through to the teste. I really didn't have much leeway to work with here, so I just felt around for the cord and started hacking. The teste finally came free; I leaned forward and disposed of it into the toilet and flushed (I wanted there to be no chance that anyone would be able to re-attach it).

Then I did the same thing to the right side, only I did it much more rapidly than the left as I was afraid the Xylocaine would wear off. Surprisingly there was not but a couple of drops of blood involved in the entire procedure and I really lost no blood at all.

With the right teste flushed I applied a dry washcloth to the area and pulled up my underwear and jeans, grabbed about 6 books to read (I knew I'd be at the hospital at least a few days and I didn't want to be bored), and had my mom give me a ride to the hospital (my driver's license is suspended over a OWI so I have to rely on her and friends for rides. I didn't tell her why at the time, only that I was in pain (which I wasn't yet) and thought I needed emergency services). I was starting to feel pain during the 15min ride to the ER, but it wasn't too bad at all.

I was a bit embarrassed when they asked why I was there, but I was more worried about the bands falling off and the possibility of infection (the thought of gangrene of the penis sounded none to good to me) so I kind of just meekly stated that I had cut myself, when she asked where I replied 'on my scrotum', she asked 'On purpose?', and I replied 'Yes'.

Then it was off to a private room where I was changed into the standard gown (for some reason my gown smelled like urine -- eww). By that time the pain was getting pretty bad and within 10-15mins it became unbearable. Luckily about 15mins after that they gave me some Demorol and shortly after that there was no more pain.

After about a 30mins more I was being prepped for surgery and then I was put under general anesthesia. 1.5hrs later I groggily recall being wheeled out of the brightly-lit surgery room and asking the nurse wheeling me if everything went okay and even asked in my penis was still intact (I was very worried I might have screwed up they would have to mess with it in some way).

The urologist said his only concern beside infection was that once the bands were taken off the spermatic cords would withdraw into me and I would bleed to death. Luckily that did not happen and the surgery went over flawlessly.

The urologist also said to me that he was quite impressed with how great a job I did and that most people usual mangle themselves badly when attempting autocastration. He also asked me how I was able to withstand the pain of injecting myself in the testes; he said he thought it would be extremely painful. He was surprised when I told him that I didn't feel a thing.

10:00pm EST, Friday December 22nd -- Began autocastration.

10:30pm -- Left my apartment for the ER.

10:45pm -- Arrived at the ER.

1:30am -- Began surgery.

3:00am -- finished surgery.

Spent only one day in the hospital and then was transferred to the Mental Health Impatient Unit. Since I have never been in any kind of mental ward before I was very afraid and refused to leave my room except for psych appointments for about 3-4 days.

It turned out that my fellow inmates there were really all very nice and there were only a couple people who could be classified as crazy (particularly this one highly-delusional chick named Shelby who was the first person to talk to me, developed a huge crush on me and by the end of that same day declared her undying love for me. After she told me she loved me I told her I was gay, but that did not defer her at all -- she refused to believe I was gay).

No one there, besides the staff, knew what I had done. The questions from the staff were kind of annoying ('Why?!?!'), but all-in-all they were all very nice and helpful. A few were actually very insightful and I was very surprised that my stay there did actually help me; I was certain it was just a hoop to jump through and I would leave there thinking how much of a waste of time it was to be forced to stay there so long (12 days).

I really am a bit surprised my mom took this all so well. She just kind of laughed it off and agreed with me that what I have done is quite strange and that I am truly one wierd fucker. Other than that she's been supportive and I plan to tell my siblings and friend later this week. I expect they'll all react the same way, I'm really not too worried about what peoples reactions are going to be. I'm just so happy to finally have gotten this out of the way, I felt like it has been weighing me down for soooo long.

It was kind of funny, the underwear I was wearing when I arrived at the ER, they gave back to me in a biohazard baggie when I was discharged. lol...

http://img242.imageshack.us/my.php?imag ... ieson2.jpg

Tanglog,

You are an amazing inspiration. I am in awe.

I do hope you continue to write about your experience -- the time in the mental ward, reactions of family and friends, after effects of the castration.

Your account is well written and intriguing -- and as I said, inspiring.

Kudos, cheers and wild applause.

You rock.

jdv

joydivision_27 (imported) wrote: Fri Jan 05, 2007 9:07 pm I do hope you continue to write about your experience -- the time in the mental ward, reactions of family and friends, after effects of the castration.

So far the only after-effect I've noticed is my ejaculate is now completely transparent. For some reason I like this very much (even though I rarely masturbate and am not sexually active in the least so this isn't really significant at all).

I told a close friend of mine a couple days ago and she, at first, really kind of freaked out about it. Then she told me that if it makes me happy then that's okay and it wouldn't affect our friendship at all and that she still loves me.

She says she wants very badly to see the results. heheh.. I think I'll wait until my sutures have dissolved and healed up before it do that.