Gender Inquiry and More

Eunuchism

I find myself in something of a quandary in determining just “who” or “what” I am in terms of physical and psychological gender identity. This is distinct from any issue of sexual orientation.

My sexual orientation is today a simple matter, easily set forth. I identify as a gay man attracted to other men of similar nature. In my earlier years, it was not this easily stated. I frequently struggled with self-loathing, denial, condemnation from individuals and institutions, every kind of social, psychological, and other form of homophobia that our society can throw at someone, internalizing much of it. This of course affected, at least then, perhaps today, self-perceptions about gender, aside from sexual orientation. Questions would arise: Am I feminine? An “inverted” male? A closet woman? How did these questions get answered? How did they affect the ways I thought of myself in other areas, then and now?

The road to the simple statement above, that I am a gay man, was certainly not easy. As simple as that statement is, it reflects a great deal of anguish, thought, research, the surmounting of extensive fear and self-loathing, and much talk with others about self. These things, however, are not my focus here, although they have undoubtedly had an impact upon that which is my focus.

Part of this reflection is an attempt to define who I am in terms of gender identity (male, female, etc.), an area that often demands rigid categorization, yet upon reflection, denies and defies definition, insisting upon a flowing continuum of existence. How does one find a place in those continua, and find comfort within one’s self?

One can look at these things in black and white terms: I am ‘male,’ ‘female,’ I have a penis or a vagina (or in some cases, something in between – intersexed). We go beyond that though because we assign sentiments, personal and social values, authorities, and so on, as attributes to gender (especially with a ‘plumbing’ approach), and acceptance and approval of these attributes with gender. We can immediately go beyond that with variations in plumbing. We must go beyond the plumbing, however, in examining what we think and feel in our conceptions of our own gender, in our own experience and perspective, as opposed to those held by a larger society.

On the surface, I was born as male, a penis person, complete with intact testicles enclosed in a scrotum, and with seemingly normal development physically. I was raised in what would be regarded as stereotypical “male” gender fashion in the United States. Today, I am at least partially male, partially a man, but truly either. Neither am I a woman, with no desire to be one, although I certainly have feminine (as well as masculine) traits. Physically, I am a eunuch, having begun as a man; while I have a penis and scrotum, I no longer have testicles.

In North America, it is estimated that at least 80,000 men are castrated each year as a result of prostate cancer alone. Obviously, it is not something that is uncommon, yet one seldom hears any discussion of this – it seems to be taboo. To some, loss of testicles implies loss of maleness, to others a loss of “masculinity.” Yet others are adamant that this is no different than the loss of a finger – that one is no less a man / male or masculine with 9 fingers or 10. Who is correct? Is one or the other in denial? Is it merely a matter of personal or cultural definition? American culture is certainly not unique in placing a great deal of emphasis upon genitals in defining gender. Any impairment of them is necessarily deemed a very bad thing, usually disregarding any psychological or social components of gender identity.

Hysterectomy (oophorectomy – female “castration”) has significantly less social opprobrium than orchiectomy (male castration). Women are still capable of fulfilling a “receptive” sexual function with no need for ovaries to complete the function (obviously a chauvinistic statement). This of course disregards the finer points of sexual involvement. However, with a loss of testicles, the man soon loses most or all capacity for erective sexual function. For many, this implies a complete loss of sexual function. Contributing to this sense of loss for many men (I can’t speak for women) can be a definite sense of embarrassment or fear of discovery (sexually or socially), which often prevents further explorations, and prevents discovery of alternative forms of sexuality beyond just intromission and ejaculation. This presumably would apply to any or all sexual orientations, and certainly plays a significant role in my own self-perceptions and interactions with others.

All of this gives rise to a number of questions, which beg answers or definitions (if possible).

Am I male?

The answer is both yes and no. I was born as a male – as determined by plumbing. Whether male or eunuch is my ‘identity’ – then or later – in contrast with ‘maleness,’ is a separate issue. Am I still a male? At least in terms of plumbing, no I am not. I do not have all of the equipment that defines “male.” I simply maintain a surface appearance of maleness, but I am no longer male.

Am I a man? What is a man? Still gay? Transgender? Am I masculine, feminine, or some combination?

These questions suddenly demand definition – individually, as well as socially and culturally. Much of what constitutes being a “man” (or perhaps, ‘masculine’) is defined by the society one lives in, and as enforced by one’s family or closer social network. Do I still meet whatever those requirements are? Without a detailed discussion of cultural definitions of a man, I assert that I am still very much a man in many ways. Such begs the question of femininity. I do have many characteristics described as feminine, yet these do not make me female. Stereotypically, such a combination of feminine characteristics in a male would be highly suggestive of homosexuality for many, even though such combinations are entirely normal in many men in our culture. Of course, such a pattern is not at all realistically definitive of homosexuality.

At the same time, I have long identified as gay (homosexual, notwithstanding the word’s pejorative origins). At the surface, this is defined by sexual (and I would expect social, and psychological) attraction to a person of the same sex as oneself. If I am no longer male, or fully male, or fully a man, yet attracted to the same persons as before, am I still gay? Or does some other definition come into play? To be homosexual, do I need to now be attracted only to other eunuchs? Perhaps the label “gay” is now simply a convenience, yet one which I will accept, if for no other reason than that.

This also is suggestive of the notion that I ought now to be considered transgender. Of course, since gender reassignment surgeries have become available, “transgender” has come to mean, for many people, undergoing a transformation to a person of the “opposite” gender, solely in terms of plumbing. Male-to-female and female-to-male in this respect would suggest two stark opposites; but what of the individual who wishes to live “opposite,” yet undergo only partial surgical transformation? And what of the person who does not feel comfortable in either gender – androgynous? As such, I believe, one who undergoes transformation from one sex to neither must necessarily assume a separate physical gender, and by extension a different psychosocial gender, as well. Further, in a discussion of male-to-eunuch transgenderism, is it truly applicable here if removal from the ‘male’ gender was never an overt consideration in one’s castration? Or is this something that comes later, and through experience becomes valid? Though I definitely identify and act as male, in the context of our society, I do distinctly identify as Eunuch – definitely physically, and in increasing measure in other ways.

Much of this is also intertwined with yet another consideration, that of Body Integrity Identity Disorder, or Body Dysmorphia. This is essentially a discomfort with a part of one’s body such that it feels alien and does not belong. This can involve any of the extremities and, depending upon who one reads, may include midline appendages as well as lateral ones. I believe it does. It often has a traceable onset to ages as early as five, definitely by pubertal onset, though its origins are not necessarily clear.

It is a consideration in that I always felt discomfort at the presence of my testicles (and scrotum). It is not so much that I felt that they didn’t belong originally, but that I didn’t like them, how they looked, or some of the things they did to me (though I did like other things they did, particularly later on). I felt this way since the onset of puberty at least, often thinking and fantasizing about being bereft of testicles. I really had no concept of “castration,” per se, nor of any of the social, psychological, or physical consequences of it until much later. I was definitely body dysmorphic; my only real need was the absence of testicles.

How does the fact that I am a voluntary eunuch, having undergone elective castration, impact any of the above discussion or that which follows? It certainly has an impact on any discussion of use of HRT, and questions whether I should even use it if I was voluntarily castrated. Or is the issue merely a physical one, the presence or lack of testicles, as opposed to testicles AND hormones? Is there an ethical or social consideration involved (i.e., utilizing insurance coverage for obtaining HRT, despite voluntarily creating the need)?

The crux of the issue here is BIID – Body Integrity Identity Disorder. Obviously, in my case there was a definite element of dysphoria. In the literature and anecdotally, it is clear that the only effective cure for BIID is removal of the offending appendage. As such, if removal is an effective treatment of a disease or disorder, is not that which follows from it a part of the disorder? Thus, if effective daily function necessitates the use (or lack) of HRT, that ought to be deemed appropriate, and thus subject to the same consideration as effective treatment for the original disorder. As a result, such issues, in my opinion, need not be deemed unethical or fraudulent.

Physical effects of castration

Many of the side effects resulting from testosterone loss are common. Any individual may experience some or all of them, although some seem to be more common than others, and may vary significantly in their intensity. A few of them are more transient and diminish in time. Most castrated men, whether using HRT or not, will still experience many of these effects

1. Infertility, obviously. (Not an issue for me.)

2. Significant, if not complete, loss of libido, erection, nocturnal or orgasmic emissions, often to the point of complete asexuality. Penis shrinkage, presumably from lack of erection. (Outside of a potential relationship involvement, this would not really be an issue.)

3. Weight gain (moderate to obesity), including subcutaneous body fat (tends to cause increased softness and smoothness of skin), tendency toward redistribution of fat to the hips and thighs in a more female pattern. (Significant weight gain would definitely be a concern overall, as it already is. Redistribution subcutaneously or to hips or thighs does not concern me.)

4. Hot flushes and night sweats, though they tend to reduce significantly or disappear over time. Heat management issues, aside from flushes. (In greatest measure, heat flushes are a thing of the past, save an occasional reminder. Heat management is an occasional problem in summer; feeling overly cold in winter is as well.)

5. Reduction or thinning of secondary hair, reduction in growth time and coarseness of secondary hair. Male pattern baldness slows or stops. (No issue here.)

6. Potential gynecomastia, though often not significant, but moderately noticeable when occurring. (With over-weight concerns, this tends to blend right in. Although, it has not been an issue in the past, I have more recently noted an increase in breast size. This is only a concern in concert with weight gain issues for now.)

7. Loss of lean muscle mass and weakness, as well as increased fatigue. (This would be of concern, although I do tend to get a great deal of activity if not overt exercise. Thus far it has not been an issue.)

8. Increased moodiness and lability of emotions; depression is often a very serious issue. (I already have issues with moodiness, emotional lability, and depression; I have bipolar disease that pre-dates my castration, and it is being managed reasonably well.)

9. Some report changes in spatial reasoning capability, as well as some short-term memory impairment. (There has been some discussion as to whether or not it is simply a CHANGE toward the landmark-based spatial reckoning that women tend to use, rather than the direction-and-distance style that is typical of man-the-hunter. The question is still unsettled.) (Memory is an issue, but I am uncertain if that is more a function of bipolar disease, age, blondness, or androgen loss.)

10. Increased risk of osteoporosis. Proper diet, use of supplements (calcium, vitamins, minerals), and exercise help in reducing this risk. Periodic bone scans are suggested. Some report an increase in joint pain similar to arthritis. (I have experienced similar joint pain, particularly with very low or no use of HRT.)

11. There is some correlation reported between androgen loss and Type II diabetes. It has not been clearly established which, if either, is causative. Insulin resistance is also associated with hypogonadism in males (causative?)

12. Low serum testosterone is associated with several cardiovascular risk factors, including dyslipidaemia, adverse clotting profiles, and anemia, while HRT has been reported to improve symptoms of angina and delay time to ischemic threshold in unselected men with coronary disease.

I am a eunuch. How does this impact my thoughts and feelings, particularly in relation to these other questions / issues?

We do know that as a result of changes in hormone levels that a male transitioning to eunuch will begin over time to become more “female” in terms of thought patterns, social approaches, and affective inclinations. Spatial reasoning tends to become less pronounced, social interaction tends to become more “gentle,” less brusque or “masculine,” and affect tends to become more labile and sensitive. There are times when I utilize testosterone replacement, and other times that I have / do not. I do tend at those times to note that I become moderately less aggressive (longer periods of being testosterone-free may produce more pronounced effect). I do tend to be more emotionally sensitive (For example, I do cry more easily and often). Perhaps it is too difficult to make an adequate self-assessment of such traits and their current levels, needing longitudinal outside assessment. I would prefer a much less aggressive demeanor in some things (not others), and I certainly do not mind being more collegial or emotionally sensitive.

As a eunuch, do I wish to attempt to maintain any of the characteristics of a man, male, or masculine person, along with penis person (erective) function? Do I wish to maintain some form or level of replacement hormones (testosterone HRT)?

There are obvious and distinct advantages in American culture to being male in terms of actual, implied, or perceived privilege solely based upon physical gender. I am greedy enough, and see the advantages from, this privilege in many areas of my life to not wish to forgo this advantage. In itself, though, it is necessarily unfair to women, and as such it is incumbent upon me to not deny such opportunity to women even while I actively take advantage of it. I don’t think these need be conflicting; the larger picture is mine to contribute to, but the culture’s to change as a whole. Perhaps I am simply being a “male” chauvinist pig; oh well.

Relative to erective and sexual function, I do thoroughly enjoy sexual / social involvement and desire a permanent or long term relationship, and sexual function would likely be desired, if not requisite. As such, I would certainly like to retain this (erective and orgasmic) capability. However, despite the use of testosterone replacement (HRT), these functions are minimal and difficult at best. In many respects I have adjusted to this and accepted it, and in fact really do not find any discomfort in the loss of function. Perhaps that might change if I entered into a relationship.

I have over a few years experimented quite a bit with various levels of HRT. I have used 2cc injectable depot testosterone biweekly, and maintained a serum level of about 350 ng/dl (nanograms per deciliter), although experiencing distinct cycling of effect. Normative serum levels range from about 200 to 1,000 ng/dl. Over time, the impact and effectiveness of the depot diminished significantly in terms of erective ability and orgasm, although tested serum levels did not change appreciably. At this point, I switched to 5 grams daily of Androgel, a transdermal supplement, in order to level the cycling. It maintained a level of about 350 ng/dl, as well. However, erective function never gained significantly, nor did prostatic orgasm. Increasing the level of Androgel to 7.5 grams daily has not had any appreciable effect on orgasm or erection, either. I do not know my current serum levels at this level of Androgel. I also do not know what my normative level was prior to castration, but my anecdotal experience would suggest a relatively high level.

My experimental levels of androgen replacement ranged from none at all (registering at about 50 ng/dl serum level - adrenal testosterone level), to those above, to variable levels in between. Quite frankly, I have been comfortable at all of them, particularly since I am past most of the transient effects of testosterone withdrawal (largely, heat flushes). Most of the effects of eunuchism are quite tolerable now, but do give rise to concerns about possible weight gain, as well as the prospect of osteoporosis, a potentially serious issue. I would have concern about return to function or orgasm (if any) upon resumption of HRT after a period without, especially in terms of any prospective relationship involvement. Further, without testosterone, the prostate gland tends to shrink significantly (would this also make my risk of prostate cancer much less likely?). Would resumption of HRT regenerate normal size and function, or would one “shoot dry blanks?” Perhaps, as long as one could shoot them, it might not make any difference.

In many respects, given the forgoing, I wonder why I should bother to use HRT, given its seemingly minimal effectiveness (although I DO have some erective and orgasmic function, it is rather difficult to attain and maintain). On the other hand, I have not had a long-term period completely free of HRT to assess in that respect. My longest continuous period without HRT has been about 3 months, and I seemed to function well without. In contrast, in the past 2 years (104 weeks) I have been testosterone free for a cumulative total of 64 weeks. It is an issue I think about often, and am conflicted. Save for the concerns about weight gain and, more so, osteoporosis, I would much prefer to simply be without HRT.

I have also discussed this topic at great length with several others. I get a number of different opinions across the range of issues. I have been advised to take a full regimen of HRT (essential for good health, I am told), to just drop it and get it done with (accept it, live with it, deal with it), to everything in between. Do I simply embrace Eunuchism as me, irrespective of any issue of BIID and any consideration of the appropriateness of HRT use, as a part of myself, or do I dismiss or disavow it in favor of “maleness” (and am I contending against who / what I am)? My inclination at this point is to embrace and accept eunuchism as a gender, and at least find out for a significant period if I care to maintain that identity. The “why” of it at this point seems to center more on comfort, acceptance of my physical state, comfort with actual and potential psychological impacts, having surmounted most of the difficult physical effects of androgen loss, yet I still tend to be uncomfortable in social considerations, notably in terms of desired relationship(s).

What are the social impacts?

To me the most obvious concerns along this line would be fear of rejection, whether socially, physically, or sexually (i.e., wholeness, function). There are quite a few people who are in fact aware that I have been castrated, although most are not aware that it was voluntary. For the majority of them, it is not an issue. Of course, most of them are sympathetic to my “loss” and cringe at the notion. Most are quite accepting, and in short order, most of them tend to forget it. Rejection because of physical issues in itself has never been my experience.

Rejection over sexual issues is an entirely different area, at least in my own mind, and is one thing that gives me pause in terms of dropping androgens altogether. Since castration I have had a sexual involvement with only one person, intermittently lasting for about 3 months. His only concern at first was regarding my ability to erect – lacking that would have stopped things, since he preferred anal receptivity. Significant lack of capacity, as well as incompatibility, led to a later termination. I am severely hesitant about approaching another, whether just for sex, or for dating, because of this fear of rejection upon discovery. I am very uncertain about surmounting this fear.

Karma?

Of course, one always seems to need to ask the question, “Why me?” Obviously, I know the How, Why, and so on of my castration. Big explorations and analysis may not really be necessary here. Certainly introspection is. At this time, I simply accept that this is my physical state, the result of dysmorphia (BIID) and my successful effort in attaining my desires. Therein lies the difficulty in my indecision about androgen use. How am I going to adapt that consideration to acceptance of the physical state? That is a decision I have inclinations about, but not a firm direction.

The above is some of my recent maunderings and musings. Comments?

kristoff wrote: Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:43 pm The above is some of my recent maunderings and musings. Comments?

One thing that I found interesting is how quickly whatever hormone level I was at became "normal" Being at low levels and having issues with sex drive, moods, energy, memory etc all seemed PERFECTLY normal to me. When I started HRT the first effect was a short period of euphoria. It was like (for me) watering a dying flower. However this good feeling very quickly felt like Normal to me and my new normal was just there. I had to juggle doses and I dipped back to low and felt a short period of the reverse of euphoria. I felt like crap really bad. But this again very soon felt "normal" but I had the hindsite of knowing what "good" was that I could articulate in a rational way for myself. I wanted that feeling back and got my dose corrected so I could feel Good/Normal again. This time I didn't feel the euphoria but I did feel right and life for me at this level was 1000x better.

Can't tell you much more then that. I think human beings are designed to be beat up pretty bad and still function ok. Thus this quick adaptation to normal. If given a choice I say yes to HRT for life. The other way for me is just pushing air in and out and not much of a life.

I looked up Eunuch and while I can't quote it they thought it meant a child who has not gone through puberty having been castrated. So if you define yourself as a man that works with the Dictionary discription. You've gone through puberty and assumed male characteristics. You might be better classified as a Castrated Male rather then a eunuch if you follow that thinking. But then I remember a book called "Everything you wanted to know about sex" and they called M2F transexuals "Castrated men with simulated vaginas" And I don't agree with that. Hormones are clearly a large part of my definition for example. Does not being able to impregnate a woman make me an "it" for example? Many people refer to "fixed" pets as "its" which I think is incorrect. Are women with Hysterectomies all "eunuchs" or "its"? No one I know would consider that an apt discription. Of course that get confused because there are many folks on the archive who embrace being discribed as Eunuch so I guess its just very complicated.

kristoff wrote: Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:41 pm What are the social impacts?

To me the most obvious concerns along this line would be fear of rejection, whether socially, physically, or sexually (i.e., wholeness, function). There are quite a few people who are in fact aware that I have been castrated, although most are not aware that it was voluntary. For the majority of them, it is not an issue. Of course, most of them are sympathetic to my “loss” and cringe at the notion. Most are quite accepting, and in short order, most of them tend to forget it. Rejection because of physical issues in itself has never been my experience.

Rejection over sexual issues is an entirely different area, at least in my own mind, and is one thing that gives me pause in terms of dropping androgens altogether. Since castration I have had a sexual involvement with only one person, intermittently lasting for about 3 months. His only concern at first was regarding my ability to erect – lacking that would have stopped things, since he preferred anal receptivity. Significant lack of capacity, as well as incompatibility, led to a later termination. I am severely hesitant about approaching another, whether just for sex, or for dating, because of this fear of rejection upon discovery. I am very uncertain about surmounting this fear.

Karma?

Of course, one always seems to need to ask the question, “Why me?” Obviously, I know the How, Why, and so on of my castration. Big explorations and analysis may not really be necessary here. Certainly introspection is. At this time, I simply accept that this is my physical state, the result of dysmorphia (BIID) and my successful effort in attaining my desires. Therein lies the difficulty in my indecision about androgen use. How am I going to adapt that consideration to acceptance of the physical state? That is a decision I have inclinations about, but not a firm direction.

BTW be aware that HRT is not very often the solution for erection issues. As a friend I emplore you to seek medical advice as impotence can often be a sign of serious illness. You may have a simple problem like drug interaction or ??? Do you take any Blood Pressure meds for example? I feel that turning off your sex drive by depriving youself of androgens is an effective but not very good way to deal with rejection. *This is just me...

kristoff wrote: Thu Dec 07, 2006 5:43 pm The above is some of my recent maunderings and musings. Comments?

This is probably one of the best posts ever on what it means to desire castration.. You have gone forward at a realitively youg age I aassume. How old were you when you were castrated? Has your body changed physically ? You mention possible changes but not specifically how you look now..I fiund the eunuch body , if the elements of masculinity are maintained to be very attractive..

A thought experiment might give a different perspective on the topic of this thread. Suppose you were the only human in the world, and everyone else was a robot. That is to say, suppose everyone else was a robot, an entity to which the idea of gender is inapplicable. Would it then make any difference what gender you were, and would you spend time contemplating it--even taking into account that you knew you were a human, and had a gender? The point is, do you conceive of gender as an interactive phenomena, in which your gender is your point of reference in interacting with others; or is gender an internal quality that is independent of any role you might have relative to other people.

Personally, I never had any desire to have any gender or sexual orientation other than the one I was born with. The only time I can ever recall having a thought about the possibility of another identity was one occasion when I went into one of my sisters' rooms, looked in a drawer and found an old head scarf. (Headscarves were long out of fashion at the time.) I had never put one on, and, out of curiosity, I folded it in the usual way, corner to corner, and put the thing on. I was quite young at the time, and I had the thought, "Why, that's not me. I look like a girl this way." So, I took the scarf off, and that was that. Never put one on again, and never had any reason to. I can't remember any time when the heterosexual male identity did not seem like the natural situation for me to be in. Maybe I just never thought intensively about why I should be as I was, and am. I get the impression that people lose their perspective, simply because they think about something all the time, and come to perceive everything else in relationship to the thing about which they obsess.

As far as the changes which are brought about by orchiectomy are concerned, it looks to me that the changes which are produced in the body by the endocrine system at the time of puberty are sufficiently extensive, and sufficiently durable, that removal of the testes simply doesn't do enough to make a major change in the character of the person. A eunuch is still essentially a man, even though his psychology and some physical details may not be typical of the male sex. In a sense, I suppose the eunuch has a choice of whether to veer more toward the feminine if he wants to, since his body probably has more flexibility in this area than does either the male or the female body.

I can relate most to the questions about redefining yourself and your place in the world. I also present as male but have not felt male in a long time if ever. I think of me as eunuch and I am not troubled by how others choose to classify me. What is different for me is I do not know if I ever disliked my testicles. I did not like what they produced and the effect it had on my behaviors. If I could be the person I am today I would not be bothered if I had testicles. For me it was the dislike of testosterone and the need to stop its production more than dislike of testicles. On the other hand as I began to realize the answer to my problems would be castration then it became like an obsession/fantasy. The idea of their removal took on a life of its own.

I also find myself with both male and female characteristics. I like being in the middle between male and female. I seem to relate better to both as a eunuch. Men sense they can relax around me and be themselves. Women find themsleves taking me into their confidence and trusting me more. My partner likes the ways in which I am feminine but he also likes my masculine interests. I feel very fluid in my emotions and my roles in life.

I can relate to social impacts since I have only told a few friends. I have only lost one long term friend when I told him what I became. I lost more friends when I came out as a victim of abuse. I have learned that some people overwhelm easily with what they do not understand. I would have the same fears if I was looking for someone with whom to share my life.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Each time I can read and relate to others I understand myself better.

tugon (imported) wrote: Sun Dec 10, 2006 1:22 pm For me it was the dislike of testosterone and the need to stop its production more than dislike of testicles. On the other hand as I began to realize the answer to my problems would be castration then it became like an obsession/fantasy. The idea of their removal took on a life of its own.

Your words also describe my feelings about castration. I am male and plan to remain male after castration.