Famouse W. C: Fields Quotes
Posted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 11:32 am
{Great pic but we don' t host pics here...}
Fields was born aournd 1880, he died at the age of 66 in 1946 cause of is love for nice drinks---- He was way ahaed of his time and i think many comedians, even today, wouldn´t ever reach his finesse---
Here are his famouse Qoutes:
...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would
in picking up a heavy barbell.
Liberty and Freedom and Worship---there is a super-abundance of all three in this U.S.A under the law. The only people who are not being meted out full portions are the colored folks.
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whittish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
Never give a sucker an even break.
Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it--but you can die having it.
Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
Sorry my fine public servants, but I haven't enough of this nectar to pass about willy nilly.
Speakin' of the city, it ain't no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best thing to break is a contract.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price--twenty-five cents.
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature. . .no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
There is Kleenex to buy for both the seven-passenger and coupe Cadillacs. One does not regurgitate and let fly a hock-tuey out of the car window and expect to hold the respect of his public. One cannot forget their Noblesse Oblige.
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
There you are, you little son of a bitch.
There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.
They also won't let me look at a girl's legs. I'm just looking (and) not saying anything and they censor me.
They are the igloos of the theatrical world. Even the managers in those communities never know whether to give their patrons Sarah Bernhardt or trained seals.
They never got me for the right offense.
Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
Turn it off! Cease! Give me an ax, a heavy tomahawk! The royal mace of England! I'll smash the thing and its illegitimate fugue!
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.
When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.
When you woo a wet goddess, there's no use falling at her feet.
Why those guys won't let me do anything. They find double meaning in commas and semicolons in my scripts.
Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.
Yes, when the little beggar is only 10 years old, have him castrated and his taste buds destroyed. He'll grow up never needing a woman, a steak, or a cigarette. Think of the money saved.
You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.
Fields was born aournd 1880, he died at the age of 66 in 1946 cause of is love for nice drinks---- He was way ahaed of his time and i think many comedians, even today, wouldn´t ever reach his finesse---
Here are his famouse Qoutes:
...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
A woman drove me to drink, and I'll be a son-of-a-gun but I never even wrote to thank her.
A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would
in picking up a heavy barbell.
Liberty and Freedom and Worship---there is a super-abundance of all three in this U.S.A under the law. The only people who are not being meted out full portions are the colored folks.
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
Marriage is better than leprosy because it's easier to get rid of.
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.
My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.
My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whittish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
Never give a sucker an even break.
Never mind what I told you--you do as I tell you.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.
Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.
Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
Sex isn't necessary. You don't die without it--but you can die having it.
Sleep...the most beautiful experience in life--except drink.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...
Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
Sorry my fine public servants, but I haven't enough of this nectar to pass about willy nilly.
Speakin' of the city, it ain't no place for women, gal, but perty men go thar.
Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
The best thing to break is a contract.
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
The low-ceiling price bazaar for sexual relief was a street called Middie Alley. You could barely get a pushcart through this avenue. Top price--twenty-five cents.
The movie people would have nothing to do with me until they heard me speak in a Broadway play, then they all wanted to sign me for the silent movies.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
The work I'm doing on the screen differs from that of anyone else. My comedy is of a peculiar nature. . .no writers have been developed along the lines of my type of comedy and this is why I sometimes have differences with writers, supervisors and directors alike.
There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
There is Kleenex to buy for both the seven-passenger and coupe Cadillacs. One does not regurgitate and let fly a hock-tuey out of the car window and expect to hold the respect of his public. One cannot forget their Noblesse Oblige.
There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.
There you are, you little son of a bitch.
There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.
They also won't let me look at a girl's legs. I'm just looking (and) not saying anything and they censor me.
They are the igloos of the theatrical world. Even the managers in those communities never know whether to give their patrons Sarah Bernhardt or trained seals.
They never got me for the right offense.
Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood.
Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
Thou shalt not steal--only from other comedians.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.
Turn it off! Cease! Give me an ax, a heavy tomahawk! The royal mace of England! I'll smash the thing and its illegitimate fugue!
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an ax.
When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own.
When you woo a wet goddess, there's no use falling at her feet.
Why those guys won't let me do anything. They find double meaning in commas and semicolons in my scripts.
Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.
Yes, when the little beggar is only 10 years old, have him castrated and his taste buds destroyed. He'll grow up never needing a woman, a steak, or a cigarette. Think of the money saved.
You can't cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.