Still trying to understand what happened to me last year. Feel like I'm grasping enough to at least describe it now. But let's start at the beginning...

Earliest childhood memories: Best friend during ages 3-4 was the girl next door; bummed out when she moved away. Enjoyed playing with dolls; embarrassed when my dad brought it up in front of my friends. Before I knew better, told an older neighbor boy I'd rather be a girl; when he asked me about it a few years later, was embarrassed and tried to disown the remark. Felt loved and appreciated by parents and siblings; was recognized as the creative/artistic/brainy one in the family (left-handed, too).

Didn't have much interest in team sports, and that limited opportunities for friendship to an extent. Spent only 9 months in cub scouts before losing interest. My dad signed me up for little league against my wishes. Wasn't very competitive in anything. Swimming, music, reading, and watching TV were my favorite activities. Enjoyed super-hero comic books. An exception to team sports was playing 16-inch softball at recess with boys.

When I first heard about Christine Jorgenson, was curious and thought, "That would be neat."

Started cross-dressing before puberty (closet only), but can't nail down the exact age. Maybe 9?

Wanted to dress up as a female for Halloween one year (3rd grade?). Mom was a bit miffed and not very enthusiastic. Went as a female, but the results weren't convincing.

Something which doesn't fit the pattern: Played tackle on the school football team in grades 5-7. However, my parents remember me saying, "I don't want to hurt the other guys."

One of the high points in high school was participating in a volunteer group for mentally-handicapped children. The group was mixed (male/female) and offered the best social opportunities I've had.

Used girls' bathrooms a few times when I had the opportunity.

Fast-forwarding to adult life, functioned pretty well as a male, a horny one. My wife at the time was accepting, within limits. However, my kinkiness was the downfall to our marriage. I think she wanted someone more manly with fewer kinks. Can't blame her.

When I became Christian (age 30), I was able to put away the kinkiness. The longing for ladies' things never went away entirely, but it was manageable. The worst times were when a dream would awaken the desire.

Several years later, married my present wife. Was happy/relieved that plain ol' intercourse could satisfy. When we started discussing having children, told wife some of my background since it could be an issue.

After our son arrived five years later, started having 2-3 day "waves" of addictive sexual thoughts every now and then. Guess it was the stress of parenting and fewer bedroom opportunities. Tried aversion therapy to get rid of the appetites, but it backfired -- only made it worse.

HERE'S WHERE IT GETS INTERESTING. When our son was four (last year), wife lost interest in sex due to menopause. Sexual frustration skyrocketed. Graciously tried abstinence. Wasn't workable. However, when she was dutiful, I felt like a boor on top of her. The 2-3 day "waves" turned into a 4-month nightmare. The female in me emerged and sided with my wife, but I didn't understand what was going on in me. Loathed my male equipment and started literally strangling it (until I read about the risk of blood clots). Dropped the pet name "Little Bryan" and started calling it "Mr. Penis." Male ego/pride vanished. Started identifying with females, and loathed the male libido. Felt bad that females (like my aunt) have to carefully plan trips at night to avoid risky places. Saddened by statistics that say 95% of sexual offenders behind bars are males. Desperately wanted to wear ladies underwear again. During masturbation, started imagining myself in a female role (and told myself, "This is getting REALLY WEIRD, Bryan"). Wondered what the h*ll was going on after so many years of "successful" living. Even told my wife, "One of the things I'm struggling with is I want to be a girl."

With my wife's approval/acceptance, got castrated by Dr. Kimmel in April this year. WHAT A RELIEF! Had a profound and wonderful effect, and I'm so grateful to him. Libido is gone. Female domination thoughts are gone. On a good day I can say, "Couldn't feel better than if I had a sex change!" Although the interest in ladies underwear is greatly diminished, the TG issues have remained. Been keeping body hair trimmed so the outside matches the inside better. A penectomy would be a treat, but can't justify the expense.

Took the COGIATI test when the Fraj started his thread on the subject. Got a 3 ("androgenous") like nearly everyone else here at EA. Was comforted by the test results that say, "Your gender issues are REAL." ("Good! So I'm not imagining all this.")

That brings us to the present. The "inside" me is more female than male. I have deeper emotions and cry easily. Wouldn't want to hurt a flea. Hate the thought of war. Big fan of cuddling, and would like to be the one held. More concerned with personal appearance, and would like to pick out some of our household linens. Greatest TG desire at this point would be to socialize with females as a peer. Even had some maternal feelings recently. (Never expected to have those in a million years!) Gives me plenty of empathy for women who can't conceive. No plans to transition, so I'll be awkward socially. (Not a fan of sports, guns, cars/motorcycles, etc.)

Although I'm content most of the time, there are low times: sadness at unattainable things (alluded to above). Sadness that, although I've done everything in my power to overcome, including castration, the gender issues remain. This link (TG-friendly, by the way)

http://members.tgforum.com/bobbyg/mistakes.html

had me bawling my eyes out, especially the part where it says:

"Many transgendered Christians have been so destroyed by their inability to conform to the world's (and the church's) image of being the male or female they are supposed to be, that they have been drawn into drugs, alcohol and even sex addictions. Amazingly, these same people have later testified to being miraculously delivered from these overpowering sins- literally being healed on the spot in response to prayer. Yet the one thing that God did not appear to grant them is divine healing from the cause of their problems in the first place, their gender identity conflict."

Bryan

P.S. Feel like I need one of those stickers you get after donating blood: "Be nice to me: I gave blood." My guts are lying on the floor and could be walked on very easily.

Awwww....sweetheart - thx so much for sharing. *huggles and holds you tight*

Your story has all the elements of classic transsexualism. Most of us have know from such a young age that something is wrong - I knew at 5. Some know as young as 3.

Chances are that unless you go as far as you want to, you're always going to feel that inner turmoil. I know there was a time when I seriously considered remaining a eunuch. It wasn't long before I realized that was not going to cut it. And now I have reached a point where just taking hormones isn't cutting it either. I need to live as a woman.

For some castration will be enough. For others it most certainly will not. And then added to all of this is the fact that some of us are not able to go as far as we would like because of life circumstances.

All we can do is turn to our own inner strengths during these times, and find support from the loved ones who care about us. I'm one of those who cares deeply about you. Please contact me anytime you wish to talk - I'm here for you

I'd love to cuddle with you I too love cuddling sooo much

plix (imported) wrote: Wed Sep 28, 2005 5:38 pm Your story has all the elements of classic transsexualism...

Plix,

(blush)

Thank you. Your post means ALOT to me. Among other things is the acceptance after "letting it all hang out." Didn't know how folks would respond. It's times like this I'm glad the TG forums are a bit hidden out of the way. Gives us more privacy/modesty.

Started shaking while reading your post realizing that, yes, I am TS. The signs are there. Writing out the life story helped me see it. Confused it with TV interests in the past, but removal of libido unmasked it. Back in my college days, I read about TV/TS stuff in any psychology book I could get my hands on. Always figured I wasn't quite at the level of TS. Not that I didn’t want to be. I was *envious* of TSs because they had a *real* problem and could go all the way if they wanted to.

Didn't mention this in my life story:

Heard of "venus envy" in a satirical magazine before ever hearing of penis envy, and the joke went over my head. Thought "venus envy" was a real condition and that I had it. Little did I know.

Haven't mentioned these latest things with my wife yet. She thinks all is pretty well settled from the castration. I'm afraid to tell her more at this point lest: (1) I sink too low in her eyes from something I can’t do anything about, or (2) she examine my future behavior through a gender microscope.

Also, thank you for the support and expression of your care. It means alot. Yes, I care alot about you, too.

Been shaking while working on this reply. Too much adrenalin, I guess.

Thanks for the big hug.

Bryan

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:47 pm Still trying to understand what happened to me last year. .

. . . Earliest childhood memories: . . . . . I'd rather be a girl; . . .

bryan (imported) wrote: Tue Sep 27, 2005 7:47 pm . When I first heard about Christine Jorgenson, was curious and thought, "That would be neat." .

. . . etc.

BryanBryan,

You have had many struggles. I can sympathize with you in many ways as I have experienced many of the same feelings and desires.

My desire to be a female began in early childhood and remains with me today. I married at 21 and had two daughters. I have never been able to tell my wife of my feelings in this area for fear that she would not understand.

Thus, I have remained trapped with no opportunity to openly express those feelings. I could restate many of the same things which you have experienced but what good would that do?

My only hope now is to find some way that my doctor and urologist will say that all of my male parts (both penis and testicles) must be removed. Maybe then it will be possible to persue some of my desires with my wife.

You may PM or email me if you would like to discuss this further.

Hi all,

Told my wife this morning about my GID struggles. She was teary-eyed and said, "So what you're saying is, 'We are married but you want to be my wife.'" Tried assuring her I'm between genders somewhere and that she's more female than I'll ever be. (BIG assurance that is! ) We'll see how things go. Prayers are appreciated.

It's been an interesting journey. Remember the quote in my first post, the one about transgendered Christians not getting divinely healed of GID? It had me bawling my eyes out. That particular morning, while waking, I had a fleeting vision of the Statue of Liberty and heard (in my spirit), "This lady will be crying and quaking by 4." Thought it could presage a NY terrorist event, either that day or by October 4th. Even mentioned it to my wife. Little did I know. I came across the quote around 4:15pm the same day and was 'crying and quaking' with the hopelessness of it all. Guess the Lord was letting me know He's with me in all this.

Last October when the 4-month nightmare was just beginning, the old song "She's Come Undone" by the Guess Who made a big impact on me. The Lord has used songs to speak to me, so I tried to discern His meaning. "Is America finished? Has she crossed the line?" Little did I know. The 'she' was me. The she inside of me was emerging.

Something I should have included in my life story: One of my secret wishes as a child was that I could switch genders at will. (Even told my wife about that this morning.) Only now do I realize how unusual such desires are.

Loved cats as a child. Had one for most of my childhood, a female which had two litters. The cat got less attention as I got older (puberty?) and had started to be a nuisance in the neighborhood. Dad suggested it was time to take Alfie to the Purina company where they use cats for taste-testing. Didn't find out till years later he took Alfie to the local shelter to be put to sleep. My love for cats is returning. Never cared for dogs.

On the thread "Fear and Hormones," I mentioned how my childhood fear about spiders is returning to a degree. Been wondering, am I returning to my childhood state as a eunuch? But now I don't think so. Think I've matured. Keep reading.

Remember those maternal feelings mentioned in the first post? Before drifting off to sleep at night, I used to imagine wild physical rides: roller skating down St. Louis' gateway arch, giant slides, swinging at the end of a long rope, etc. That changed somewhere in the last year. Lately, I've thought about nursing a baby. But that's when I lose it emotion-wise. Not gonna happen in this life. What to do? I've actually asked the Lord if I can serve in Heaven's nursery for aborted babies. I want to nurse them, hold them, and love them -- after God puts their little bodies back together again.

Thanks for being around,

Bryan

Dear Diary,

Feeling very alone. Wife not taking it very well. Feels betrayed. Also feels insecure: "If you're going to be more of a female than me, where does that leave me?" Her mother took T during pregnancy and she's always kinda wondered if there were some effects, but she's all female as far as I can tell. But she is the disciplinarian in the family.

Wife: "Is this the root cause of your first marriage breaking up?" Yes...

Wife: "Do you want to become a female?" All I could say was, "Certain paths shouldn't be explored."

Wife did say she's noticed some changes in my behavior -- "sissy priss" stuff, to use her exact words. I know some behavior has changed, but when she gave examples, they were things I was unaware of. Guess that's a compliment to a TS.

I can't lose her and my boy, but she's feeling real bad about this right now.

I'm left wondering, "Lord, where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? Why did my gender identity flip so dramatically back in October?"

And who can I go to? Family? Only my sister knows anything about this. Pastor? Nope. My friends at EA? Yup! Love you all!

Realizing now I must have cried more than the norm for a boy, because my siblings had a saying/taunt for it. (I'd give it here, but it wouldn't carry any punch without the original context.) They also made fun of my fears (spiders/darkness), but that's pretty normal among siblings, I would think.

Have no idea where things are going to go from here. Feeling like a failure. Would like to depart the earth and be in Heaven. (For those of you who care about me, don't worry: I believe suicide is one of the worst things a person can do, and I obey my conscience. But I can always hope for a heart attack or runaway truck or something.)

Lest you wonder: For those of you transitioning, you will NEVER hear a word of judgement from me. In fact, the link in top post is TG-Christian friendly. I'm evangelical Christian and have NO IDEA what I'd be doing now if I weren't married. Things were INTOLERABLE before castration, and now I'm afraid my behavior is going to be put thru a gender magnifying glass.

Thanks for listening,

Bryan

~hug~

Oh sweetie... you are DEFINITELY not alone in this. I have a Christian friend who sounds VERY MUCH like yourself. We all love you for who you are. Even if you are not sure who that is yet. If you like, I can ask my friend if she wants to talk to you. I think it might do the 2 of you some good.

~hug~

Take care Bryan

bryan (imported) wrote: Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:35 am Dear Diary,

Feeling very alone. Wife not taking it very well. Feels betrayed. Also feels insecure: "If you're going to be more of a female than me, where does that leave me?" Her mother took T during pregnancy and she's always kinda wondered if there were some effects, but she's all female as far as I can tell. But she is the disciplinarian in the family.

Wife: "Is this the root cause of your first marriage breaking up?" Yes...

Wife: "Do you want to become a female?" All I could say was, "Certain paths shouldn't be explored."

Wife did say she's noticed some changes in my behavior -- "sissy priss" stuff, to use her exact words. I know some behavior has changed, but when she gave examples, they were things I was unaware of. Guess that's a compliment to a TS.

I can't lose her and my boy, but she's feeling real bad about this right now.

I'm left wondering, "Lord, where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? Why did my gender identity flip so dramatically back in October?"

And who can I go to? Family? Only my sister knows anything about this. Pastor? Nope. My friends at EA? Yup! Love you all!

Realizing now I must have cried more than the norm for a boy, because my siblings had a saying/taunt for it. (I'd give it here, but it wouldn't carry any punch without the original context.) They also made fun of my fears (spiders/darkness), but that's pretty normal among siblings, I would think.

Have no idea where things are going to go from here. Feeling like a failure. Would like to depart the earth and be in Heaven. (For those of you who care about me, don't worry: I believe suicide is one of the worst things a person can do, and I obey my conscience. But I can always hope for a heart attack or runaway truck or something.)

Lest you wonder: For those of you transitioning, you will NEVER hear a word of judgement from me. In fact, the link in top post is TG-Christian friendly. I'm evangelical Christian and have NO IDEA what I'd be doing now if I weren't married. Things were INTOLERABLE before castration, and now I'm afraid my behavior is going to be put thru a gender magnifying glass.

Thanks for listening,

Bryan

I think even the 700 club guy said that Transexuals are "OK" so don't panic. I don't think its anti Christian to fix your Gender problems. This is more along the line of a medical issue if you ask me.

I'm know it sounds really bad that your wife is upset but lets face it this is probably going to take a while to digest. If she was ok with your Castration I think there is a good chance she will be able to handle whatever is in store for your future.

Have you spoken to a doctor about this? You could maybe find a resource for couples that knows about this. If your wife has given up on sex then maybe this won't be so impossible. One thing to consider is that (assuming) you go on HRT (Hormones) your sex drive will probably return. Is your wife going to be able to handle that? Maybe she should consider going on HRT at the same time. If you get that part of your life back (albet without erections) you might be in a better position to move your relationship forward.

Hi all,

Wanted to let you know how the weekend went. (Take warning, those of you who haven't talked to your wives about your feelings yet: Don't!)

The Lord gave me a Helen Reddy song on Saturday before breakfast: "You Needed Me." It speaks of acceptance and healing from the One who matters most, but also going out on one's own again to face the world alone again. (Hope that doesn't happen!)

Saturday was rough. While working outside, was weeping over gender-identity crisis. When I came inside after regaining composure, called my mom and leveled with her. I was like an adoptee searching for his birth parents, and introduced the conversation that way. Told her the real reason for my April trip to Philadelphia and why I had asked her about any drugs taken while she was pregnant with me (only prednisone at 3 mos. -- no gender effects I'm aware of). Told her I was dealing with depression back in Oct-Nov and was at a low point now, with gender confusion at the root. Asked several questions about my childhood. Even asked what name she had picked out if I had been female.

Fruitless. She didn't remember anything out of the ordinary for a boy. The plain truth is she didn't remember anything. Didn't even remember me going as a female for Halloween. Suppose that can be expected -- she's in her 80's. She suggested I contact a professional and get some drugs for depression. (Lest you wonder: I love her, and she's a great mom.)

Digression: While growing up, after I had started cross-dressing, there was the hope I would accidentally "get caught" so there could be open communcation with my parents about it FOLLOWED BY acceptance. But I'm afraid acceptance is a fantasy in itself.

At church yesterday, felt God telling me to go forward during a special time of prayer and annointing with oil. As the pastor came to me, he recited the one verse I've been clinging to after offering my services in Heaven's nursery: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). Wow! God accepted my offer! The pastor also said, "You are precious in His sight. He will not forsake you." Assurance/acceptance! Later, as the service was winding up, the pastor said he felt prompted to share some verses for "someone in the congregation," and each was a fit for my situation. I eagerly wrote each down. He even said, "Be glad O barren woman, ... for more are the children of the barren woman than the one who has a husband" (Isaiah 54?). I was EUPHORIC. Fully expect to be a woman in Heaven. (No doctrinal discussions, please. Jesus said we shall be "like the angels" -- androgenous, presumably.)

What do I think now about telling my wife? Me and my big mouth! Should have stayed quiet. While still enjoying the afterglow of church, approached her in a very conciliatory fashion and gave her these assurances: (1) I'm not going to cross-dress in any way, shape, or form; and (2) I'm willing to have gender boundaries placed on my behavior. Her response was, "So you still think you're a female? Well, that makes you a lesbian!" So I'm not even allowed to think my own thoughts. It's impossible for me to lie well, so things aren't looking good. She doesn't want our boy to end up confused about his gender, so even improper thinking is considered a threat. I feel like a leper. Took the wind right out of my sails.

This is the "cleanest" I have felt since pre-puberty, and THIS is what happens?

Part of the diagnostic criteria for GID is *insistence* that one is the opposite gender. Never had to *insist* since it was never discussed/challenged. Also, I couldn't have insisted until recently. Now that it's become a topic for discussion, I may have to start insisting. After all, I'm poor at lying.

Thanks for listening,

Bryan, or you can call me Terry

mrt (imported) wrote: Sun Oct 02, 2005 11:57 am Have you spoken to a doctor about this? You could maybe find a resource for couples that knows about this. If your wife has given up on sex then maybe this won't be so impossible. One thing to consider is that (assuming) you go on HRT (Hormones) your sex drive will probably return. Is your wife going to be able to handle that? Maybe she should consider going on HRT at the same time. If you get that part of your life back (albet without erections) you might be in a better position to move your relationship forward.

mrt,

Thanks for contributing. Yes, I agree at this point with what you say about the 700 club and it being a medical problem. Yes, I'll admit it's going to take her awhile to digest it.

Still no plans to transition. That's a BUNCH of work, and guess I can wait till Heaven for it to be fully worked out. In fact, some of the turmoil has gone away via castration since I genuinely FEEL like a [post-menopausal] woman inside now. Saw some graffiti in the Men's room a few nights ago: someone had drawn big boobs. I was genuinely horrified/disgusted, thinking, "How dare they think that way about us!"

When my wife lost interest in sex, I envied her since sex had always been a problematic area for me. In my present state, I'm a bit intimidated by the thought of sex and am content with our sexless lives. Not going to do anything to re-awaken desire on either side. Someone in the 1800s said, "Happiness is when all your natural teeth are gone and desire is gone." Dentistry has changed alot since then, but human nature hasn't. Asexuality is a happy state for me.

Bryan/Terry