Okay, so i've been absent for awhile after a lotta bit of activity for mental health reason. I guess im ready to share...

Early on in high schoo, when i was 15 years old, i had a boyfriend named Nicholae and he was basically my life. Me had a really intense relationship, and it just kinda snow balled.

Months into it he started getting abusive, only mentally at first, like, calling me stupid or weak or ugly, etc. Then he started...hitting me. So, yeah, i let him cause i really was weak, and i felt the other two things.

He would hit me if he didn't get his way, or if i walked in front of the tv (i did that a lot because i move around a lot, unfortunately...) and basically any reason, really.

He put me in the hospital only once and i lied and said i fell down the stairs. My parents still don't know. After that he let up a lot and did the whole "I love you, i don't mean it, you shouldn't get me angry" thing, and i totally fell for it. Unfortunately his new self didn't last very long.

I started cutting kind of unaware of what i was doing, just knowing that it felt right and good afterwards. I hurt myself a lot, but somehow he always managed to hurt me more. I was a really depressed kid. I tried to kill myself twice. Luckily i failed both times (first=pills, second=slit wrists. still have hard time sometimes with my motor skills).

I broke up with him my sophomore year and he moved back to Toronto (im in NH) and we only saw eachother a couple times there after, once when he visited and again when he showed up drunk and swinging.

Well, in early May i got news from his mom that Nicholae had died of a drug over dose. She didn't say what, but i think it must've been either alcohol or x. Those were his favorites...

Well, i've been getting over feeling so confused and shitty and all that. I feel guilty cause last time i saw him i said i hated him and never liked him (which wasn't really true). I loved him , and still do and it hurts to know that i miss someone who hurt me so fucking much. I just felt very lost.

I'm kinda just now getting over it, and im feeling pretty good, considering. I've excepted my innocence in his death, but i haven't let go and stuff, and it hurts a lot. Im trying to date and i've met this really awesome guy named ray and i think there might be something, but it's really hard to trust someone/myself.

Just thought i should say this so that i feel a bit of closure. So i feel something of a finality.

Well, thanks for listening to a poor boy's ramblings.

Andrew remember you were not the reason this person died this was his falt not yours.As i read your letter i can see this man wasent happy with himself and thats why he took it out on whoever got in his life.Andrew you are a very important person and probley a good person at that so please dont let someone runover you.Take care my friend and may God bless you,

I've read your post several times, Andrew. Glad you told your secret, these things need to be shared. Love is a powerful force, sometimes too powerful when it keeps us in an abusive relationship. Your BF was destroying himself all along, wasn't he? Kind of an accident waiting to happen. Solomon said, "He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city." (Prov. 16:32) Anyway, glad you are beginning to see the light of day again!

Andrew, I understand well not really I have never been in that kind of relationship. About a year ago we lost our leader, thank god I had a theripist to see the next week. It helped sort some of that out to talk about it but even more. I am not qualified to tell you the steps but this is something you need to take care of. Also have you told your new bf, if you have not do so. Everytime you talk about this with a new person you will be holding less of a burden. Oh yes and the good pelple here on the archive will always lissen and give you a hug even its over the air waves.

Hugs, River

Thanks for sharing. Sharing something like this would not by any means be easy.

I haven't had any experience myself with abusive relationships (though I do have experience with family abuse), but I know many people who have been in this kind of relationship, and I have come to learn that loving someone who has abused you is not uncommon at all. Like philorchites said, love is a powerful force. It often has the ability to overcome all of a person's flaws, including flaws as serious as your boyfriend's.

I agree whole-heartedly that talking this out with as many people as you are able to would be great. It can be surprising sometimes just how much better you can feel to sit down and have someone listen to you.

Yes, i agree that it's getting easier the more i tell. I told my therapist a couple weeks ago (a little bit before i posted this) and it was such a relief to not have the secret.

I sent his mom flowers though, because she loved him, too. It was hard to order them, but i got through it...