Journal entry--13 October, 2001 (day two post-op)

I still could not speak. When I awoke, I was still extremely paranoid that my chin and jaw operations were dismal failures and that they were not healing. I imagined that the lower lip and adjacent areas would turn gangrenous and that I would have to have much of my face removed. I panicked.

When Dr. Suporn came in for his daily visit, he removed the old dressing and put on a less constrictive one. I, frightened nearly to death, wrote a note with my deep concern for the facial surgery. He assured me that I was healing properly. He also reminded me that I could not get out of bed for five days, and that this was day two. Three more days would be an eternity.

Minda was able to get me to have a few sips of water, and then managed to talk me into slurping a bit of soup (which was not easy!). I found that she tolerated me rather well considering my awful disposition. But, I found that most folks are just as grumpy for the first two days.

During that day, I had a visit from a patient who came just for FFS and was about to head off, as well as a patient that recently had SRS and was finally able to get out of bed and walk around (but had to carry around the catheter and urine bag). She would look me up when I got to Pattaya.

I tried to sleep, but nurses came in every few minutes (or so it seemed) to bother me. And my rear end was in great pain from laying on it constantly. I was so glad when the day was over.

Journal entry--14 October, 2001 (day three post-op)

I did manage to get some quality sleep before the 6:00 onslaught of nurses--one to drain the urine, another to drop off my daily ration of water (out of my reach!), another to check the trashcan, another to poke me with a needle in my sore and red rear end, another to take my blood pressure, yet another to take my temperature and pulse, and yet another to sweep and mop the floor.

Afterwards, I started ringing for the nurses to fetch things for me. The first one seemed rather displeased at my rudeness, so I learned to write please and thank you on my notepad when I had a request. This helped immensely, and I regained my cheery mood.

A team of nurses came in and like clockwork, quickly sponged me down and changed my sheets. I laid there motionless, like a bump on a log--an inanimate object for sure, during my spongebath--I could not speak; it was difficult to write during this, and I did not know Thai anyways. But for changing the sheets, it required for me to stand up, attached to tubes and all, so that the bed could be cleaned. I felt very weak, and could barely stand. A chair was offered, but it was excruciatingly painful for me to sit.

One of the nurses seemed actually rather concerned for me, and was very kind and gentle. She treated me with compassion and as if I were a human being instead of an object. This was overwhelming, and I almost swelled up in tears to be treated in that way.

Minda came in, followed later by Dr. Suporn. I was busy eating real food (some soup with actual bits of meat in it--very much a chore; and a can of tomato juice with a straw in it so that I could drink) when I saw Minda, and was very cheerful, apologizing profusely for my rotten behavior during the previous days. When Dr. Suporn arrived, I was very courteous, but still concerned about my swollen chin and jaw. He assured me that I was quite normal, and asked if I had seen myself in the mirror yet. I shook my head, and wanted to say that I was too frightened.

Later, as I lay in the bed, finally watching TV, I noticed that I had not gone to the toilet for number two for three days now, but I sure needed to. But how?! I rang for a nurse and wrote down my question. She helped me up, removed the IV, and unbuckled the urine bag and the flask that held the blood from the SRS bleeding, and helped me to the restroom, where I could have some privacy.

Afterwards, I was brave enough to look in the mirror--I had to see what I now looked like sometime. Instead of Frankenstein, a woman with a puffy face stared back at me. Very interesting. My face was swollen and had bruises all over it, but was distinctly feminine. Even the dark coloring that surrounded the eyes looked like make-up which served only to bring attention to my eyes. And everything was different--my eyelashes looked longer; and what about my eyebrows, did someone pluck them? I had never seen them so pretty. And gone were the misshapen nose and chin--replaced by symmetrical and smooth features.

I took advantage of the fact that I was out of bed and assembled three chairs near my bed and placed all of my luggage on them so that I would have access to everything from the bed.

When I got back in bed, I learned to put an array of pillows under me such that I was laying on everything *but* my fanny (it was really in pain by then). I got out my CD player and rested comfortably.

Later, when it was time for my blood pressure, etc., one of the nurses who speaks just a bit of English said "You, pretty lady; me, not pretty lady."

I shook my head to disagree.

She then pointed to my bandaged crotch and asked, "you, Dr. Suporn?" I nodded yes. She pointed to her own belly and said, "me, same!"

Interesting, but I was not sure just what she meant at the time.

Journal entry--15 October, 2001 (day four post-op)

I slept very well, and woke up in a rather nice mood. My jaw and lip were still very swollen, but much of the pain had subsided. And, when I attempted to speak, I actually made some sounds.

When Wannee came for her daily visit (she generally came twice a day), I was finally ready to have a long conversation instead of just writing gloomy phrases. Sometimes I could speak well enough to be understood; other times, if I could not enunciate properly, I wrote it down. My voice itself was hideous--like James Earl Jones with laryngitis, but I could at least speak again.

I was so courteous during Dr. Suporn's daily visit. There was not much to do that time other than that he reminded me that I would get my dressings removed the next day and would be allowed to walk around again. I needed no reminder, because I knew that the goal of the day was simply to make it through the day and wake up the next day. He did give me some bandages to wear during the night. These would press on the swelling and eventually reduce them.

I was such a bundle of joy and acted so kindly to all around me--such a big difference from the b*tch that I was on my first two days.

I watched some movies and nodded off, sleeping very well.

I had a dream that I knew of no SRS surgeons, and would have to search for one in the Boston area, and that you had to schedule an appointment to see one of these surgeons at least one year in advance. As my dream was ending, I felt good knowing that it might be possible to have SRS in as little as one year from now. I awoke and realized that the SRS was in the past--this was so unlike previous dreams (and I had plenty) where I dreamt that I had the op, only to awake and find out that I had not.

Journal entry--16 October, 2001 (day five post-op)

I slept very well, despite the pressure bandages on my face and head.

Dr. Suporn came in early in the day. I was so pleased to see him because I would get my dressings removed.

Once done, Suporn gave me a mirror to look at my new anatomy. Minda and two other nurses were there as well, all seemingly eager to see how it all turned out. He pointed out the labia major and minor, and showed me the clitoris, which was hooded. The urethra would have to wait for another two days, since that is when the packing and catheter would come out.

At first, it all looked so foreign on me, and the tour of female anatomy that he gave me seemed academic.

Later, when everyone left, I visited the restroom again and viewed my naked body. So amazing--there was nothing masculine about it. My waist seemed so much slimmer than I had ever recalled, and my fanny was so round and soft, and big. Even my breasts seemed more rounder, rather than cone-shaped.

How could I ever forget staring at myself naked in the mirror and for the first time seeing what was undeniably female look back at me? I had finally done it. From that moment on, *that* was the new reality.

When I got back into bed, I put the mirror between my legs and just gazed for quite a long time at the new me. I got used to them right away, and did not miss the old ones one iota. I would never regret SRS. From now on, I no longer hated my genitals, but was very comfortable with my body.

Wannee came by later for her daily visit. She brought me chocolate bars, which I adore. We had a long chat. I had never felt so good.