one 'reason'
Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 4:29 am
I have had a long term fantasy to be castrated. It started off with just wanting to lose my penis, but then when i was about 14 it became very specific. Ive always liked girls, and they were always in my fantasys. I am almost 24, and it was only this year that i let guys into my fantasy, sometimes only guys. I dont consider myself gay.
The thing is, i think i may have traced it baack to the REAL reason why. Some people say 'i feel this way' or 'it is because i am so and so that i want to be castrated.' Rarely do they go into the past, into childhoods that probably werent normal. Maybe my tendency to look into it this way stems from my tendency to see my fantasy as a serious PROBLEM for me. It plagues me so greatly. When I get aroused, and when i am under serious pressures from life, it takes an effort i usually think isnt worth it to try and think of something else other than being castrated, or imaging what its like.
Anyway, so I traced it back. I had a very dominant mother. My father was never around. Mum met another guy, 18yo when she was mid 40s. He was in essence a male role model, and now i look back, technically in these modern ways of looking at these types of relationships i would have to say they had a typical bdsm mistress/slave thing going on, as he would do whatever she wanted. Additionally my mother seriously abused me - physically mentally, and sexually. I had dreams of having sex with my mother for two years, but the dreams were so real. I remember she licked my ear when she was stoned and gave me a hard on when i was about 13. When i was molested at age 12 though, by one of her 'slaves' friends, i must have been so accustomed to being abused because i remember only feeling special, like those children i would see on tv that used being molested as a kid to do all sorts of terrible things, and i remember i held his hand like a lover and looked right in his eye and said in my sweetest feminine tone, 'ill be right back i just need to go to the bathroom' at which point he reached out for me, and i held his hand like a lover, alowly slowly letting it go. I already understood him and my situaution at 12. I then raced out into the loungeroom straight to mum and said, kind of excitedly, with humour, 'this guys a fag!' My mother did nothing, though, over later months or years, even after she had the full story. One more thing i should add too is that because of my treatment at home, i became a bit of a regular outcast in the numerous schools i would go to, and it always made me angry.
To sum up, I was mentally emasculated particularly by my mother, but also by a lot of other people because of that. When i imagine being castrated in reality, i feel like i would only get depressed. Therefore i tell myself, when im not feeling aroused, that if i was to be castrated, I would not be happy. I want the cycle to stop,
- can anyone relate
The thing is, i think i may have traced it baack to the REAL reason why. Some people say 'i feel this way' or 'it is because i am so and so that i want to be castrated.' Rarely do they go into the past, into childhoods that probably werent normal. Maybe my tendency to look into it this way stems from my tendency to see my fantasy as a serious PROBLEM for me. It plagues me so greatly. When I get aroused, and when i am under serious pressures from life, it takes an effort i usually think isnt worth it to try and think of something else other than being castrated, or imaging what its like.
Anyway, so I traced it back. I had a very dominant mother. My father was never around. Mum met another guy, 18yo when she was mid 40s. He was in essence a male role model, and now i look back, technically in these modern ways of looking at these types of relationships i would have to say they had a typical bdsm mistress/slave thing going on, as he would do whatever she wanted. Additionally my mother seriously abused me - physically mentally, and sexually. I had dreams of having sex with my mother for two years, but the dreams were so real. I remember she licked my ear when she was stoned and gave me a hard on when i was about 13. When i was molested at age 12 though, by one of her 'slaves' friends, i must have been so accustomed to being abused because i remember only feeling special, like those children i would see on tv that used being molested as a kid to do all sorts of terrible things, and i remember i held his hand like a lover and looked right in his eye and said in my sweetest feminine tone, 'ill be right back i just need to go to the bathroom' at which point he reached out for me, and i held his hand like a lover, alowly slowly letting it go. I already understood him and my situaution at 12. I then raced out into the loungeroom straight to mum and said, kind of excitedly, with humour, 'this guys a fag!' My mother did nothing, though, over later months or years, even after she had the full story. One more thing i should add too is that because of my treatment at home, i became a bit of a regular outcast in the numerous schools i would go to, and it always made me angry.
To sum up, I was mentally emasculated particularly by my mother, but also by a lot of other people because of that. When i imagine being castrated in reality, i feel like i would only get depressed. Therefore i tell myself, when im not feeling aroused, that if i was to be castrated, I would not be happy. I want the cycle to stop,
- can anyone relate
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