I wrote on the net elsewhere about my issues. In the course of the years things become clearer...As a student I wanted to be a girl. I already hated my male body, my male organs and my sex-drive. And my male behaviour.That was long before the www. And I thought long time that I was the only one feeling that way, and feeling very lonely. Sometimes I thought I was a woman, but I didn't tell anyone. At school I found in the end a group of girls which became my friends. I knew at 17 that the usual things males ought to do didn't have a place in my life. And that I felt better among girls.
That feeling still lives. I have more female friends than male friends. And I feel comfortable with it. There I can more be how I feel inside, and drop a lot of terrible male habits... and a part of the terrible male ego society asks from me.
I do not dislike physical contact, on the contrary. But I never was very interested in sex. When I was 19 years old I felt that I was ( and am) very sensitive to emotional energy. And that I like the emotional energies flowing through my body, and that of friends. All kinds of subtle energies. But I wasn't in for fucking. ( Sorry to be so direct, but that's how it is). Female friends invited me to it, but I almost never got into it. I asked myself how I was so strange, but couldn't find an answer. Until I realised that it had a lot to do with my gender-issues.. And that I had to respect my feelings... So I do a lot together with my female friends, but not dating with sexual expectations. I do not feel comfortable with it.
When I was about 25 years old, I suddenly realised what I felt sexually besides my gender issues. I never had (and have) problems with being naked, private or in public places like nudist beaches. But what I felt, was a strong desire to have all my genitals cut off. I felt that I should have had a castration before my puberty, and later a penectomy. That that would have felt much better than how it is today... I want to live without my genitals and sex-drive. To live naked without my genitals and sex-drive.with other people who also want to live that way.. it became more and more clear that that was how I feel. And that my strongest sexual fantasy is just this. And that in the same way my strongest fantasy with women is just this: that they have their clit and labia cut off, their vagina infibulated, and having their breasts cut off. Of course totally voluntary, of course. Just like my own position. Quite an extreme desire, I know. Many persons wouldn't like it. For me it's a way of living. A way of living away the expectations about how men ahould be, and how women should be, based on our anatomy. A way of dealing with sexuality. Not because something else is wrong, or bad. But just because I know that that's how I feel best and would like to live. But I cannot imagine that there are not more persons (male/female) who share this desire...
So, quite an extreme story. But I think I can share it with the persons who come here.... Please give me a reply...