Theres alot of things i really need to get off of my chest, and since I know for a fact that this is the least judgemental site on the entire internet, and i know that everyone here has at least 3 things in common with me, I know i can talk. I am going thru a severe bout of depression, and its centered around my inability to find my better half. I.E> I cant fine the girl that was created for me as I was created for her. I believe that there is someone, be they gay, straight, TG, TS, or even completely asexual, I beleive there is someone out there for everyone. Except me. I feel so completly alone, and I feel that all my successes and failures are diminished because i have no one to share my joy and pain with. Every day I sign on and I pray that one of my ads is going to get answered, or that when I read the ads Ill find someone and we will eventually hit it off. And everyday I sign on and feel that crushing weight of the world on my shoulders because it doesnt happen. I go out and if Im very very lucky, I muster up the courage to talk to a girl that I think might be actualy interested in me, to then be treated as socially beneath her and condemned for my pathetic attempt to win her favor. I receive advice from people, who tell me to be myself, to be someone else, to keep looking, to wait for them to come to me, I hear all kinds of advice, but I never hear, I know someone that will be a good match for you and Ill set up a date. I feel so unique, so differant and apart from the rest of humanity, that it is impossible that there is a female out there that is my mate. What I also hear all the time is people telling me Ive set my sights too high. Allow me to explain and I hope that no one will think me too shallow for writing this, but I feel its the truth and I have to speak my mind. I have had many girlfriends, and only 2 or 3 of them were physically attractive to me. It seems the only girls that get attracted to me, are below average. again I am sorry if this makes me seem too shallow but I have been out with the same kinds of girls my entire dating life and I cant beleive that I cannot find an average girl, or someone very skinny, or slightly chubby, or anythign like that. The only girls that will go out with me are obese. not attractive obese like you might find on a porno website. Obese as in ashamed to be seen with them, and feeling like an ass for feeling that way. Is it so wrong to want to be proud of the woman you are with? to say to the world, yes this is my woman, I accept her flaws and all, and she accepts me flaws and all. I feel that because I am unwilling to settle for someone I am not completely happy with, someone that I am not immediately attracted to at first glance, so attracted that I want to find out if they are as beautiful on the inside as I think they are on the outside, that again I am some kind of shallow hal. I once again signed on tonight, hoping that as St Valentine's day approaches, that this unknown being of energy that some of us call god would smile upon me and grant me access to this unknown person. And instead what I find is, an email from match.com, that one of the girls I had tried to contact, has decided to take a break from dating. And an email from eharmony.com that they have found a match for me, and shes decided we live too far apart to see one another so she wants nothing to do with me. So here I am, 7:57 Eastern time, watching the most romantic movie Ive ever seen on TBS, Serendipity, and wondering why I am alone. and will it ever end. Because I beleive that I will die long before I find her. I guess theres not much else to say. and in the frame of mind im in, im more worried about being personally attacked in this forum for how i feel than anything else, and am now feeling like a big fat idiot. Im sorry if this look into my life causes anyone pain. Im sorry.

Adam

Well, Adam. First you have to work on yourself. If you don't like yourself, how can you expect a girl to like you? You come across as too desperate in your post. I would imagine you come across the same way to women. Find a way to like yourself, then you'll find others that will like you.

I remember when-young and foolish-I thought that all I needed to be happy was to find a girl I could love. It doesn't work that way. Work on being happy first. Happiness comes from within yourself, not from without-not from another person. If you're looking for someone who will make you happy, you won't find her. I guarantee you she doesn't exist. It doesn't work that way, despite what you might have seen in movies. Find a way to be happy, then you'lll find the girl of your dreams.

Well said, Slammr, Well said. --FLO--

This thread is dead-on target. Many of us have had our lows, some more extreme than others.

I recall having some similar thoughts. I had "let-myself go" as I concentrated on work and gave-up on dating. I felt middle-aged (which is OLD in gay terms, it seems), fat and unattractive. My social life consisted of going home to spend time with the dogs or chatting with a few co-workers. Nothing more. I was depressed after a LTR of 5 years had ended and had not come to grips with it well.

To better love myself, I looked for things I used to do that I enjoyed that would get me out and get me moving. I picked-up my trombone and practiced and then joined a community band and rekindled my love of music.

I also started working out- swimming. I used to love to swim for exercise and to meet others. At first, ashamed of my body, I wore long shorts, but started a routine.

One year and 35 lbs later, I was feeling much better about myself and looking good to some others. I started getting flirtations and then more again. I regained my confidence and started dating again.

My general advice is the same: heal your mind with self-help, counseling and/or medication but don't forget to heal your body to build self-esteem and confidence.

If your face is not a 10 (mine surely is not), a lot can be done with grooming, wardrobe and attitude. YOU control these, not nature nor anyone else.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

Hugs,

Malecheii

Like you, Adam, and many, many others including some of the good folks who have responded to your plea, I have been through periods of deep, very dark depression. It can be horrible and seem hopeless. But it doesn't have to be. Depression is a beast that we have to wrestle down whether with therapy or medication or self-help -- or best all three.

The others who have responded to you have offered excellent advice in my opinion. I'd add one other suggestion. Give yourself a few minutes at the same time each day and sit down at the computer or with a piece of paper to make a list of the tasks you want to do for yourself in the next day. For some people it works best to make the list at night before you go to bed. Keep the tasks simple. Break big ones down into small parts. And make sure that they are things that you can do without depending on someone else to make them happen. Then, when you finish a task, give yourself a pat on the back. Cross it off the list and move on. There is some very good scientific evidence that accomplishing things -- anything no matter how trivial -- increases the production and efficiency of chemicals in our brains like serotonin that we need to keep us healthy.

How might this work for you? As silly as it may sound, your list might begin something like this.

1. Eat a healthy breakfast.

2. Smile at someone I find attractive and see if I can get him/her to smile back.

3. Call someone I haven't spoken with in a while and ask her how she's doing.

4. Buy the book recommended here.

5. Read 6 pages.

That might be enough for one day. After a few days of this, you might find that you have more energy and your lists will get longer. But give yourself credit for finishing each task every time no matter how small it seems.

Good luck, Adam and keep talking. It helps.

Relationships are the strangest things....

It seems that the more you need somebody, the less that they need you. Then, things shift and the less that you need them, the more that they need you.

Also, part of the attraction is not to be strong, but to instead have a need that your intended feels fulfilled or even obligated to fill. In that manner, their self become entwined in your self.

You know, sometimes the more dysfunctional a relationship gets, the stronger it becomes. However, dysfunctional relationships have a way of putting individuals in physical danger. I am not just talking about abuse, I am talking about lives in danger.

You have to be strong enough to put your own well-being above ANY relationship. If you feel really bad emotionally about a relationship, then it was never right for you in the first place. It was not right because you needed them more than they needed you. I mean you needed them WAY, WAY more than they needed you. Never let yourself get into this situation, it generates violence, suicide, murder, and all sorts of things that are dysfunctionally way over the top.

If you don't want a fat girl, then do not settle for a fat girl. However, remember, that the skinny ones get fat, too. In any relationship, plan on gaining a pound a year on average, as long as the relationship lasts.

Try to be vulnerable, but try to be strong and aloof. Nothing turns a woman off more than having a guy slobber over her 24/7. Let her know that you care and then give her lots and lots of room to decide how she feels. Send her flowers and a telephone number on Valentine's Day.

Buy two tickets to an event that you know that she would like, and send them to her on her birthday. Tell her that you are available if she would like to have your company for the evening. If she calls, take her to a nice place to eat and respect her by not hanging on her.

If worst comes to worst, nothing overcomes depression like physical excercise. Get thyself to a gym and work the hell out of your bod. You never know, somebody else who has known this trick long enough to get a tight bod and a 6-pack abdomen might take a liking to you.

If you see them looking, ask about diet, a special exercise to build a problem area or a way to ease an ache or a pain.

You know, there is so much to this life that there just is simply no time to be unhappy. If you are unhappy you are not busy enough.

Get busy living.

A-1

adam im not goin to be much help but i feel i must reply as im goin through the exsact same thing you seem to be, it could have been me that wrote that plea for help... the stupid thing is, i never use to have this problem, but then again i never use to hate myself so much as i do lately, im one of these people who get 'knocked back' easily by what other people do and say and have had alot of that latley, the more i get 'knocked back' the more i hate myself, but like Slammr said, about 2 weeks back i sat down and had a long hard think.... and if you dont like yourself, how the hell do you expect other people to like you?!?!

their are alot of things (mentally) i hate about myself that cant be changed (as other people on this site might know) but at the end of the day i have to except it as being me (like i use to) and not try to fight it and be unhappy about it (like ive been doing) because when you dont like yourself, no matter how much of a front you put on and false smiles, subcontiously people can just see straight through it!

anyways as i was sayin i had a long hard think an (i hope) got into a possitive frame of mind and for the last 2 weeks i have gone to the gym nearly every night (missed 2 nights but every night can be unhealthy!), when ever i have spare time (i.e adverts on t.v) i burst out a load of press-ups instead of waisting the time, ive changed my diet to healthy food and high protien foods (even chopped up vegitables an left em in the fridge for if i need a snack or get 'the nibbles'!) -- whatever you do dont get crab sticks though unless youre REALLY into sea food, i had some earlyer an have tryed everything to get the taste away!.... and its still there

ive also been taking omega3 (fish oil) tablets for the last 2 weeks and am actually feeling a bit more alert and myself (dont know if thats just phycological though)

anyways what im HOPING to find that there is a link between physical contempt and mental contempt, the fitter i feel or look the less ill hate myself and wont worry so much about what women are thinking so the more ill feel myself and be happyer.

once that is achieved all ill have to do is worry about my clumbsy pathetic attempts to talk to women but then again, i never use to worry and had no problems... some women find it indearing maybe?

anyways i this probably hasnt helped one bit but thought id just say im sure all the nice people at EA are hear for you whenever you're feeling down as they have me... i know its only been 2 weeks but just knowing ive taken (what to me is) a possative step makes me feel better than i did sitting watching sad films wondering the question we'd all love answered... why not me?

(sorry i have a tendancy to go on a bit! hehe)