To be Free
Posted: Sun Sep 19, 2004 9:24 pm
To Be Free
A Tale Of An
All American Eunuch
___________________________________________
This is a journey through time. Many years ago I was disillusioned with the current reality and wrote a book about it. Never had it published; for several reasons one of which was money. This is a thread that runs through this story as well.
As part of the title describes its a story about freedom and the pursuit of just that.
What does this mean?
Ask 100 people and get at least 100 different answers. Perhaps it was an enigma our founding fathers sought to create. Maybe its a glimpse of the future inside Pandoras Box.
What is this struggle to be free about? I mean really, I live in the USA which is supposed to be the epitome of personal freedom. What was my problem?
As for childhood years, almost any form of self expression was squelched by an alcoholic father and an over burdened mother. So lets start at where freedom begins16 years old.
The Age of the drivers license. This would certainly be the beginnings of freedom right?
Not so fast! Your parents can still tell you to do this or that. Then maybe youll have the privilege of driving.
Fast forward to 18 years old. Now we have the freedom to vote, drink, have sex, and fight for out country and die, to strike out on our own right?
Not so fast. You need a job and moneyso trade in some of that new found freedom to the boss. Yes you have the freedom to work for whoever you want as long as, they want you! Then hopefully they will pay you enough money to survive.
Under all that is an inner freedom crying to be expressed. I like menNO I REALLY LIKE MENthose men your mother warned you about. I knew the look and I bet if I had a good sense of smell, Id know the smell of them too.
Now wait just a minute, Im supposed to be chasing after women with lofty breasts right?
How am I ever going to get free from all that? As an individual in a country so abundant with personal freedom why should it even be an issue?
Well it is, and one of the very first real issues one is confronted with.
Heres where I think of myself as a realist more than an anarchist or a socialist. If I like men and love to have sex with men and the thought of having sex with a woman never even enters my mind. Why should it be an issue with anyone elsebut it is, for men and women.
For women, I think its a primal sensory thing; theyre fertile! Why doesnt this man want to have sex with me?
Because Hes gay hello!
Really oh well then we women should discount him, hes a dud
So if women can be explained away so easily what is the problem with men?
There is a couple;
A) They know their seed is going to be planted where it will do no good.
B) They might just have the best sex of their life but would then have to face up to social scrutiny.
C) Rare but there, they just love pussy! A and C usually run together.
Just where does all that leave me or anyone else besides confused?
America, the land of the lost.
So I did like most young adults, went off to college living life as a gay male. Yet as time went on I was becoming more and more disillusioned with the whole relationship thing.
The best description is, Gay lifestyle is a modified version of the same Cinderella Complex that heterosexual people suffer from. The myth, that Mr. or Miss perfect is out there just waiting to be found or rescued.
My first long term love ended after just a couple years that, ended up dragging on for another four years in my mind.
I just couldnt believe it I thought this was supposed to be till death do you part! What do you mean you want to see other people?
I had bought that illusion hook line and sinker just like many men my age. As well as, those who are still growing up under the oppression of society. Just so I dont appear to be a complete critic, I believe it is possible to stay with one person for a life time if, they want that too and you both are willing to work at it. Thats another whole book.
Moving the time line up ten years; I was still single with occasional sex partners but now there was the threat of HIV or worse yet AIDS. Two of my friends had already died from it so there were all the reasons in the world now to find a healthy partner and STAY with them.
I had just got online and there was what seemed like endless information at my disposal. I started to research everything I could imagine. Then one day I ran across some article about castration.
The thought of castration had not ever crossed my mind but now there it was, this idea, so I read more
I ran across a website that was discussing castration as a treatment for repeat sexual offenders. That particular page listed all the benefits of castration and I was then hooked on the idea for me. At the time I lived in a town of 800 people in a remote area of Vermont and trying to find sexual partners that I found suitable was difficult at best.
It seemed that the older I got the more veracious my appetite for sex became. At this time in the story, I was about 31 years old and growing more frustrated at the prospect of finding a partner. I had turned back to my Christian faith to try and get some peace of mind. Instead, I found myself falling under self condemnation! Holy shit, if I didnt have troubles before I certainly had them now.
I went to my family Doctor and inquired about being castrated. For a split moment in time his face went very pale; then he asked why on earth would you want to do that?
Suffice it to say, it was a wasted office visit and $40.00 to boot. He did however say that there was the option of chemical castration where a shot is given once a month which blocks the production of testosterone. Yet, before he would even consider giving me the shot he wanted me to have a complete psychological exam done.
I promptly made an appointment with a prominent Psychiatrist in the nearby town, after a two hour appointment she said;
It has been a long time since Ive had someone so in tune with themselves sit across from me. Not to mention someone so aware of the world around them. I dont see any reason why you shouldnt have this procedure done.
Wow, I felt as though Id just been given the green light. Back to my Dr. I went, He still wouldnt administer the shot, and he just referred me to the local Urologist.
The Urologist gave me an initial consult and wanted to wait until he received the letter from the Psychiatrist. I all ready knew I was getting a run around. Like the Psychiatrist said, I was very aware of my world and I knew what was going on. Weeks went by, no word from the Urologist.
I was still reading online and gaining more steam all the time. I wanted this done and pretty God dam soon! Then it dawned on me; I grew up on a farm, why not use an elastricator just like youd do pigs? There were people on the BME website who had and told of there results as well as showing before and after pictures. It would be the ultimate fuck you to the medical establishment!
Off to the local Feed and Grain store I went, made the purchase, went home and cleared my calendar and prepared for the event. No one on the BME site said anything about the amount of pain involved. At first there was no pain and minimal discomfort, I thought this is going to be easy enough, but after about an hour I was starting to feel it. I popped about eight Ibuprofen tablets and said no pain no gain right? Buck up Tom, it will be over soon enough. Two and half hours into it I was beginning to sweat, literally, I was getting a pain in my back like Id been kicked by a football line backer. My testicles were on fire! So I drew a tub of cold water and added ice as well, and then sat in that for another half hour.
I couldnt take the pain but by now my testicles were blue and the rubber band around them was only about the diameter of dime, maybe a little less. As much as I hated to I had to admit defeat. So I got in the car and drove to the hospital in the nearby town.
Fortunately it was also in another State. When asked why I was at the emergency room I told the admitting nurse Id tried to castrate myself but couldnt deal with the pain. I thought for a moment she was going to faint! In a dazed manner she said Ill be right back,
Upon returning she had me follow her into an exam room where the attending Dr. came in and looked at the situation, he asked, Why did you attempt this? I told him, Because no Dr. would do it for me! To which he replied well its not going to get done like this, as he was putting an ice pack on my groin.
For a moment I though great hes going to take them off for me. Wrong answer, all he did was remove the elastricator band. I could have cried, the disappointment I felt was indescribable, the least he could have done was given me a shot of Demerol and sent me home. But no I was back at ground zero.
Days later I found out that the amount of time I had the band on was significant enough to damage the testis, so I may have succeeded. Coincidently, a few days after that, I got a note from the urologist stating he would not perform the surgery.
Believing that timing was everything and that nothing is a mistake; I focused my attention back on to my business. Then I started to have hot flashes maybe I had succeeded, since this was an initial side affect of castration, so I had read. These went on for about a year. However, my sex drive was not going away. It was getting harder for me to focus on work. All I wanted to do was get laid. I fantasized about opening up a brothel, but the legal ramifications were too many. Then there was the fact I still lived out in the sticks. Who would be my clients, Deer and Moose? I mean really, I liked my men hung like Moose but I wasnt into beastiality.
Back to my faith I returned this time I said, Im not doing another thing until I have a mate. Lord you said it is not good for a man to be alone. So find me one! Im keeping you to your promises.
I sat home for the next three months searching the online dating ads. I went on two dates, both were duds. I deleted hundreds of email replies from people I thought had I.Qs of 30 compared to mine of 129 at the last testing.
Then one day, I got this email from a guy named Greg, it was well written. Good grammar, and I thought wow, this guy has his shit together. So I replied and we seem to hit it off.
He then sent me his picture, the minute I saw it I thought I know this guy from somewhere I had spent so much time traveling around the country building a private franchise that I thought for sure I may have bumped into him some where.
Then, the next day he suggested we talk on the phone so he could do a voice check, the minute I heard his voice a deeper feeling of knowingness came over me. We discussed travel plans for me to meet him. The next day I purchased a plane ticket and was headed to Kansas City to meet this guy.
The day after purchasing the ticket I had a dream about driving out to see him instead of flying. I told him of the dream and he said why dont you, in fact Ill be in Columbus Ohio, half way there later this week for a swimming completion. We could meet there.
I had a few arrangements to make then I packed my car with all my clothes, computer, valuables and my little 4 month old toy poodle and off we went. I blew out of town so fast my family couldnt believe it and I only said good bye to my closest friends. When asked why I was going to Kansas City I would reply I going out to meet my future.
One marijuana joint my cousin gave me for the road and 16 hours later, at 5 in the morning, I was at Gregs hotel door. When he opened the door I couldnt believe how tall 63 was. Ten minutes later we were having sex. Long story condensed, I didnt return to Vermont for a year. At the time of this writing we are coming up on our 4th year anniversary with no end in sight. There is however more to this story and how it relates to my castration to follow.
Relations with other circles of light
Most of how I relate to people is how I feel around them. Many years ago I had several experiences which lack a true definition, because the description is never the object described. Suffice it to say, at one point I seemed to be able to sense what other people were feeling when I looked at them. I would basically feel the same way.
With a tremendous amount of time spent studying this, I discovered a remarkable amount of accuracy. However what I realized was; it had more to do with energy, than personality or mood; as we generally think of them today.
Whenever I was around men who had a sexual energy about them I discovered it was like a high. This high is produced by Endorphins, corticotrophins and adrenaline. When these brain chemicals are combined in equal proportions you have internal ecstasy. We produce this proportion when we, as men, have an orgasm.
That posed a problem for me;
Someone at a party once said to me, youre a high T person I bet, it seemed to be a passing comment as I recall. Yet it was one of those that stick with you.
Years went buy and periodically Id hear that statement in my ear. Finally one day the light went on, she was talking about Testosterone! The more that thought settled in the more I learned about my self.
Testosterone has been called the FIKI hormone because it means Fuck it or Kill it and that sums it up. I was either scrapping with someone or trying to get probed. Sometimes the time between extremes would only be minutes.
My mother always said it was because I was half French, who are lovers and half Irish, who are fighters.
I now know, it was because of a pair of high power
testicles pumping out some seriously high octane testosterone!
Typically a healthy male of 18 has a testo, (short for testosterone.) level of 850 according to one urologist. Two years after damaging both testis and on the natural downward curve of testo production. I was still managing a level of 650; the high side of normal, as tested by another urologist. Which explains why he couldnt explain the hot flashes I was experiencing at the time.
You are still producing plenty of testosterone he said.
When testosterone enters the pituitary gland in the brain several other chemicals are produced, one of which is estrogen. In men, estrogen tells the sexual organs to get ready to have sex, increased blood flow etc. Too much testo means too much everything else as well. I may go into detail what that meant for me later on.
So life was going good with a partner, building a dream home together but the sex between us had dwindled to nothing over the course of the first two years.
He had stress at his job.
We had stress of compromises with building the house.
I had stress from doing the work I was the contractor since this was my fifth house building project.
However there was a stressor building within me like a lava dome on a volcano. I wasnt getting laid by anyone! I was masturbating three to four times a day and getting very little relief.
Then to make matters worse we rented out some extra space in our house to some apprentice high voltage line workers. Just what I needed two more men under my roof and in my line of vision. One of whom was a quite handsome British man with no doubt a beautiful, very large penis. I was getting more and more frustrated all the time.
Now that I lived in a city of 1.5 million people it was quite easy to find sex if one wanted too. I still struggled with my instilled paradigm of monogamy. I could go and get sex from some anonymous man at the local bath house. Yet even that was beginning to not satisfy me. There was also the disease factor I had to keep in mind.
My partner and I had many discussions about my sexual appetite and he was beginning to feel pressured. In one sense, I though good you should dam it. After all I was a reasonably attractive male who was very willing to please him.
Yet on the other hand I knew he was ten years older than me and had been on hormone replacement therapy for low testosterone levels since before we met. So it wasnt right for me to expect him to perform.
Heres where FIKI comes in, not that I was thinking of killing him, I certainly wasnt. But I would get real mad at him which creates all this awful self talk, which most people forget when they kiss and make up, me on the other, hand didnt get that make up period. The resulting mental control it took to override the self talk was tremendous.
Over the years Id learned different meditation techniques which helped. However I just knew the answer was still the same, too much testosterone!
Apparently, some men can handle testo levels like mine quite well. They are probably excellent military officers, professional wrestlers, boxers, football players etc. But a gay male heaven forbid!
This high testosterone production in gay men causes an amazing duality of nature. Ive met other gay men with the same conditions and their reaction to life around them is similar.
For me I could be the most loving, nurturing guy, often resembling that of a sweet grandmother image. Yet when provoked I would be like a Doberman pinscher on steroids. I was also very aggressive in general.
I was arrested on several occasions for taking care of business. Looking back it is all kind of ironic---here was this floating little fag prancing about until someone would cat call me then I would turn into one of the meanest people youve ever met.
This guy called me out one afternoon, as I was driving by. I spun my car around, got out and said what did you say? he repeated it, little faggot. It was fist to cuffs from that moment on. I drilled his head into a parked car he clipped the end of my nose causing it to bleed we tussled some more I could hear sirens coming, so spinning him out, he hit his head on a parking meter. I said Just remember two things my blood is all over you and Im going to let you wonder if Ive got aids or not. And this little fag just kicked your ass!
The saddest part of that story was; he was a hot man, who I would have loved to have sex with. I bet he too was a high testo guy, who probably wouldve loved to fuck the stars out of me. Here we come full circle, back at the three types of men, A, B, C.
Years went by and I met him at a party and we got along fine there was a moment though when we both looked stunned with recognition, but we never spoke of the street fight.
Stories like that go on and on though out most of my life.
I wanted so desperately to be free from that strife and internal struggle. My Christian friends all said pray about it; Like they could truly understand the magnitude of the conflict. Others wanted me to take part in conversion therapy so I wouldnt rot in hell. Truth was, I was already living in hell.
The medical community wanted to medicate me to the point I didnt know my name.
Sure in my late 20s into my early 30s I spent most of those years all doped up by the doctors. I kept telling them Im so agitated it aint funny. For six years, I tried every medical treatment known to science except, Electric Convulsive Therapy. I felt it was too barbaric. They would do ECT but they wouldnt do a simple 30 minute orchiectomy.
I was even arrested for assault on a woman, while on all those drugs designed to calm me down and reduce my agitation. When the Judge heard my story he basically slapped my hand and suggested I take anger management classes. The woman had a history of provoking men anyway.
My mom thought I should take Karate, or boxing. I chose to take Tae Kwon Do. It helped me feel more in control of my surroundings and gave me a good work out.
However, a few years later I was the victim of a gay hate crime and an assailant tried to drag me out of my car one night. We struggled for a few moments before I could subdue him using the techniques I learned in Tae Kwon Do class. This man was particularly determined to cause me bodily injury. I was able to get free from him and get in my car, but not without him grabbing the door. I ended up dragging him about 75 feet before he let go. Since I knew the mans name I had the police get involved because I knew he had weapons and would try to shoot me if he could.
When the police apprehended him, they were trying to make a case that I had used excessive force on the man because his brow bone had been broken in the conflict. I said, wait one second the very first move in Tae Kwon Do is DEFENSE, then, we are taught to get them on the ground and keep them there Its not my problem the idiot would stay down!
Fast forward to life here in Kansas City; I think the realtor knew I was a high T person when she sold us this house. After a year of my nose to the grindstone rehabbing a 100 year old house; I started to expand my consciousness to the neighborhood. Much to my surprise, it was on the verge of ghetto. So out comes the Doberman on steroids and a couple years later and several changes of neighbors, its not such a bad street. The crack heads and crystal meth dealers and an irreverent Mexican family for some reason chose to leave.
My partner feared we would be the victims of drive by shootings. Single handedly Ive run five different apartment dwellers out of the neighborhood, but not with out spending three days in jail though. As you can clearly see the cycle continued.
God knows how I longed to be free from me; sure people love what I can do for them. Why was it so difficult to get a surgeon to do what I want to do, for me? Ill get more into that answer later on.
At this point Id like to get into some of the questions Ive been asked and my answers to them. For privacy sake I will not reveal who asked the question and the only changes I have made to them are grammatical corrections.
Q: What was your motivation to get cut?
A: To reduce sex drive, reduce rage, and continue spiritual ascension.
Q: Will you take hormones?
A: No...Not unless, for some unknown reason, I have to.
Q: Could you walk right after the castration?
A: Yup I just had a Depends stuffed between my legs.
Q: Were your balls removed through sac?
A: Yes...one incision right down the center where you have that natural line in the sac...about two inches long. Five stitches closed it up afterwards.
Q: How long did the whole procedure take?
A: Well he talked to me for about an hour, explaining the Urology stuff. The procedure only took 30 minutes from start to finish!
Q: Was there any discomfort during the procedure?
A: The only discomfort in the procedure was when he numbed the nerve, and that felt like I was kicked in the lower back for about 3 seconds.
Q: In the back? Is that were he numbs the nerve?
A: Yea that's the interesting thing...the nerve that goes to your balls comes out of the 10th vertebrae up from the base of the spine. He numbed the nerve through the sack, but you feel it in your back. Ive had worse needle pain at the dentist!
Q: How long does it take for the testosterone to loose effect?
A: The Urologist said it would start to drop off immediately but it would take about two months to level out. A healthy 18 year old man has a testosterone level of about 850 this gradually lowers to about 170 at age 70. After the removal of the testis the levels will drop to about 30. This is about the same level of testosterone a post menopausal woman has.
Q: Are there any negative side effects of your testosterone being that low?
A: As for the potential drawbacks, here's what I
know;
A risk of developing osteoporosis (which is now
Treatable with calcium supplements and drugs like
Fosomax )
Increased fat layer under the skin (thicker skin) When
you feel a mans leg for example its hard because of
muscle...when you feel a womans leg it is soft because
of fat, with out testosterone I'll develop a bit more fat
under the skin so I will feel softer.
Breast may develop or tonicity of Pectorals my
Diminish.
May not be as strong.
Hot flashes may occur but will eventually stop
Each male body reacts differently to castration.
Q: What are the advantages to castration?
A: My receding hairline would stop falling out.
My beard would grow in slower (good because I hated
shaving anyway)
I would be at a REDUCED risk for Coronary disease
I will live 10 to 15 years longer than other men.
Virtually eliminates Androgen which is believed to
aggravate arthritis (which is why I like to live in warmer
states)
Virtually eliminates any risk of developing prostate cancer
which is the second leading killer of men.
Eliminates risk of testicular cancer which is the third
leading killer of men.
Reduces or eliminates the cravings to have sex.
Reduces body odor.
Greatly reduces agitation across the board.
Allows for increased clarity of thought.
Creates a permanently calm state of mind (unless H.R.T. is
involved) Coined the Eunuch Calm
Those are just the benefits that I can think of off the top of my head. There may be others, but there again not everyone is going to think all those things are positive.
Faith and Spirituality
Mind the Me, Myself and I
Many people dont go to this topic for fear of being judged or ridiculed. I figure why not just a minute ago we were talking about my balls; it doesnt get more personal than that right?
You see it IS much more personal and most people would rather talk about my balls than to talk about the unseen; which is what Im about to discuss.
Please understand the following disclaimer; I have no need to be right, so you are under no obligation to agree with me on what follows.
When I said earlier I turned back to my Christian faith I meant just that, faith not religion. The Christian religion would have me in some conversion therapy class and preaching how Jesus would heal me. Or that I was going to rot in hell.
The thing is, Jesus looked at me and didnt find a thing to heal. Being the gentleman he is, he suggested I could make different choices, and this might ease some of the burden on my heart.
Over the recent past few years I have made those difficult and often agonizing better choices. There were times when I felt like my heart was being ripped in half, I would see the face of Christ and remember to ask for his help; and faithful and true, He has ALWAYS been there for me.
When I asked for a mate I got one. When I thought I would reject the one given to me; He said youll stay because this is what I want for you. When I asked for Him to take the pain in my heart away, he did instantly.
I cannot teach someone to have a connection with spirituality; one either has it or one is working on developing it. I can however live a life of example and inspiration.
Why was the right choice for me so agonizing?
Because there was this amazing battle between the three of us. Thats right three Me, Myself and I. That three part being we call human, body, mind and soul.
Lets start with Me first because I prefers it that way. Me was born male in 1966 to a struggling working class family. When I was conceived my mom was hoping for a girl, while dad was hoping for another boy. My brother was born a year and six months prior. I think God decided to answer both of their prayers; He gave them, me.
For many years I was my mothers little gem and she taught me by example, the ways of a good woman. She taught me to cook, clean, sew and knit. She taught me to nurture babies, my two little sisters; and grow plants. All the fine traits passed down from her mom.
There was a dark side though I was to be my dads whipping boy. I at the time, I just never understood it, my father would take out his frustrations on me and that would break my mothers heart. It would break mine too because I didnt know how to handle my father any different and I hated seeing her pain. Thats where Karma comes in. The sins of the father manifest in their sons.
About 24 years went by and my father met with his own Karma and I was chosen to be the deliver. There had been a negative energy between my father and Myself for years over the way he abused this body (me).
One day my dad was going to physically beat me for disagreeing with him. I ran through the basement door of my home for safety,(we were neighbors) he followed right behind. Up the stairs I ran and at the top I found a square pointed steel shovel; As I grabbed it and turned around, my dad was about 4 steps from the top. So I slammed him right over the head with the shovel. Whos going to get beat now motherfucker I said; as I wound up and slammed him over the head again.
Stunned he stumbled back to the bottom of the stairs I was winding up for a third blow just as my brother came running in the front door.
What are you doing? he yelled and grabbed the shovel which was raised behind my head.
Trying to kill him what does it look like? Now get ta fuck out of my way and Ill finish what I started. I said in a low determined growl.
My father ran out the basement door screaming at the top of his lungs for my mother to call the police. I found out later that when my father was my age he had beaten his father over the head with an iron pipe. Full circle weve come.
I told you I was a mean fag; now lets talk about myself for a bit. Unbeknown to me (this body), was such a turbulent life often drains the Soul of energy used to sustain the body.
Myself and I understood this. As I approached my late 20s I had about as much Soul energy as an 80 year old man. Death was not too far away for me.
Myself and I knew of a way to make an exchange; trade places if you will. There was another Soul that wanted to finish up some life laundry that was willing to trade places with myself.
I was in agreement and looked over the terms of the exchange, a contract if you will. This is no simple feat and death of the body sometimes results.
The exchange took place on a cold wintry night in 1996 but the process takes 13 years to complete. There was a suspended state like anesthesia that I remained in for about a year.
My body had to basically do what it knew and try to muddle through life as best it could until I awoke. It takes human energy to awaken human energy, and that happened for me at a business convention in Spokane Washington early in 1998 I was surrounded by 20,000 happy excited loving people and I woke up in me, and myself.
I was aware of EVERTHING right down to the muscles that move the iris in my eye. From that point on you could feel the heat of renewed Soular energy radiating out of me, from a distance of about 4 to 5 feet. I had the energy to work 18 hours a day six days a week, pot and alcohol had little or no effect on me for about the next two years, as myself and me burned off some of that new energy.
Of course the new I had no prior bad history with my dad, so when I saw him again that spring I was genuinely excited to see him. He looked stunned again; perhaps it was because I hadnt talked to him in seven years. My mom looked like shed seen a ghost. Dad and I talked and have gotten along great ever since. Ive never explained the reasons behind the new attitude to them; I dont feel it necessary. Suffice it to say, my mothers prayer for harmony between my dad and me has also been answered.
I (the soul)however, was running into some difficulty settling into this new body. I wanted full ascension, myself (the mind) couldnt see how it was going to be possible and me (the body) resisted the possible effects.
In the spring of 2001 my parents came to visit. Dad was helping me put down a new sub floor in my bathroom. While working close together I suddenly felt a tug at my belly button then a feeling of energy flow from me and my dad. I was starting to get light headed so I got up and walked away breaking the draining connection. They left two days later and even my partner noticed I was drained.
Ive never seen you so tired he said.
This event puzzled me for awhile. Later on it was known to us that my father wanted to stay around a time longer but he himself didnt have the Soul resources to do so. I was able to give him some of mine, in that energy infusion and now he can enjoy his grand children for a while, if hes careful.
A couple years have passed since then and Ive continued my spiritual ascension but still struggled with power issues from within. It wasnt until after spending a few days with nature and reactivating the living Merkaba field around me; I was able to see a path that would allow the three of us to exist peacefully together.
It is written, there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mothers womb; and there are eunuchs made by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.
I came into a male body, yes but I dont feel any gender. For me it was all about being male, myself was constantly trying to buffer the energy I would receive from other men in the form of sex; with that of my Soul. Sometimes it was a loving match and sometimes it wasnt. I wanted a steady supply from the source. In order to get that I needed to be fully seated in this body; the orchiectomy was the starting point.
It was also written that the kingdom of heaven is within. When one thinks in those terms, ascending in a spiritual way is getting peace within. This was my goal, to be free from the turmoil within. I had to make my exterior match my interior. My interior had no gender. As a compromise with my body we decided to only remove the testicles. Besides, I like the convenience of being able to stand up and pee.
How did I know it was right for me?
How does one know anything is right for them?
Both are valid questions.
The answer is; it is different for every person.
However, I will try to give the best answer I can; Timing.
The timing in my life is always perfect.
The time in my life when the idea first came in to being was the right time; I was at a point where I was researching everything. I had decided to get rid of any beliefs that had proven them selves false. I tested every belief I held and lost some friends and loved ones along the way. The idea of eunuchs, made logical sense at that time; then I had to test my belief structure surrounding it. That process took four years.
The next logical step then, was to proceed. The failed self-attempt was an indicator that the timing was not right but the intent was determined. More life choices were to be made and some Karmic debts to be paid. Five years went past.
Then one day I heard my guide say, you have helped make enough other peoples dreams come true its time we make one of yours come true.
I was so excited I could barely contain myself. Which one would it be?
Oh, my God!
It was like the excitement of a five year old at Christmas time. For days, I wondered which one it would be.
Months went by, then I just found myself surrendering completely; I was mentally exhausted from trying to figure it out. I gave up. In my Merkaba work, I set my intention; for complete and full ascension to blend with my personality, as I consciously know it to be.
Circumstances then began to fall into place to bring that thought into being. I had another heart felt experience with my partner and while focusing my attention to my Merkaba to sustain me through it; the answer came. Its time Im going to get the orchiectomy.
Within minutes, I had set my resolve to obtaining this. I felt my whole being change every movement suddenly seemed to be automatic. Even my responses to external stimuli seemed to be controlled from out side my body.
For the following three weeks, it was an amazing time to be alive for me. I experienced intense conversations with me, myself and I. The communication between others and me on this path was phenomenal.
The extraordinary sensation of being in the flow of energy like that is indescribable. To continually feel the peace that it brings; I could not begin to explain. I will hope now that it continues for the rest of my existence.
In short, I can now have the peace that I only use to experience while in my Merkaba meditative state.
The sensation of energy seems tangible enough that one should be able to measure it somehow. When I sit very still in an upright position; you can actually see my body wobble as if one was inside a fast spinning gyroscope. At the same time all that is going on, there is the sensation of being hugged and how loving that feels.
B.C. (before castration) that feeling was canceled out by testosterone, the only way to feel that particular energy is with the heart. The difference is; now I feel those sensations all the time instead of in fleeting moments
My spirituality has always been a journey of ongoing change and depth. Therefore, for me, castration was just another step in my spiritual journey...a process of detaching oneself from what is considered an earthly privilege...sex. For me, this was privileged was sacrificed so that I may have all the good that can possibly be given me in this lifetime. I have been for some time now; willing to give it all up in order to get everything in return.
So far, I feel extraordinarily fortunate, and I am grateful for everything I have.
The price of freedom
There is a price for everything in this world. So what does the freedom I was looking for cost?
More than some are willing to pay.
To, give it all up in order to get everything in return. I have rolled that thought around in my head for years; and year by year that thought has rolled over areas of my life forever changing the landscape and view.
Would you give up the idea of sex in order to have a permanent orgasm?
Would you give up the idea of making millions of dollars in order to have a rich life?
I found out that saying and doing were two different things all together; and I cant sit here and tell you I have it all square right now either. It is just something I work at everyday and one day at a time.
For most men their balls are the Family Jewels and are priceless. Even the thought of harm brings a tangible ache to them. The concept of life without testicles is unthinkable.
Herein lies the conundrum; our male dominated society cannot think about life without testicles, so those doctors, who can do oldest and most simple surgery in the history of man wont; primarily because they cant conceive of it. Secondarily, because of litigation; they are deathly afraid of being sued. The misconception of the first accentuates the fear in the second.
There are only two known surgeons in the US who will do the orchiectomy on an elective basis and the cost for each is around $2000.00. Dr. Kimmel who did my surgery is in early 70s by my guess; so how much longer hell be doing it, no one knows.
There are too many men like me out there; some gay, some straight, some third gender and some Trans gender who are willing to do it themselves for their convictions. Many also like me end up at the Emergency Room later and some die trying. On a socially responsible level this should never occur. What happen to the freedom to pursue happiness?
Granted, now as a eunuch I do think differently about some things but Im still me
I tell people who thought Id react in an odd manner afterward; I had an orchiectomy not a frontal lobotomy!
I still get mad, I just dont get mean.
I still laugh, just a little more often.
I still cry, just a little more easily.
I still Love, just a little more intimately.
Knowing what I know now; Id have paid more if Id been asked too. To think--I now have another whole lifetime out in front of me with the vision to see clearly how spectacular.
A Tale Of An
All American Eunuch
___________________________________________
This is a journey through time. Many years ago I was disillusioned with the current reality and wrote a book about it. Never had it published; for several reasons one of which was money. This is a thread that runs through this story as well.
As part of the title describes its a story about freedom and the pursuit of just that.
What does this mean?
Ask 100 people and get at least 100 different answers. Perhaps it was an enigma our founding fathers sought to create. Maybe its a glimpse of the future inside Pandoras Box.
What is this struggle to be free about? I mean really, I live in the USA which is supposed to be the epitome of personal freedom. What was my problem?
As for childhood years, almost any form of self expression was squelched by an alcoholic father and an over burdened mother. So lets start at where freedom begins16 years old.
The Age of the drivers license. This would certainly be the beginnings of freedom right?
Not so fast! Your parents can still tell you to do this or that. Then maybe youll have the privilege of driving.
Fast forward to 18 years old. Now we have the freedom to vote, drink, have sex, and fight for out country and die, to strike out on our own right?
Not so fast. You need a job and moneyso trade in some of that new found freedom to the boss. Yes you have the freedom to work for whoever you want as long as, they want you! Then hopefully they will pay you enough money to survive.
Under all that is an inner freedom crying to be expressed. I like menNO I REALLY LIKE MENthose men your mother warned you about. I knew the look and I bet if I had a good sense of smell, Id know the smell of them too.
Now wait just a minute, Im supposed to be chasing after women with lofty breasts right?
How am I ever going to get free from all that? As an individual in a country so abundant with personal freedom why should it even be an issue?
Well it is, and one of the very first real issues one is confronted with.
Heres where I think of myself as a realist more than an anarchist or a socialist. If I like men and love to have sex with men and the thought of having sex with a woman never even enters my mind. Why should it be an issue with anyone elsebut it is, for men and women.
For women, I think its a primal sensory thing; theyre fertile! Why doesnt this man want to have sex with me?
Because Hes gay hello!
Really oh well then we women should discount him, hes a dud
So if women can be explained away so easily what is the problem with men?
There is a couple;
A) They know their seed is going to be planted where it will do no good.
B) They might just have the best sex of their life but would then have to face up to social scrutiny.
C) Rare but there, they just love pussy! A and C usually run together.
Just where does all that leave me or anyone else besides confused?
America, the land of the lost.
So I did like most young adults, went off to college living life as a gay male. Yet as time went on I was becoming more and more disillusioned with the whole relationship thing.
The best description is, Gay lifestyle is a modified version of the same Cinderella Complex that heterosexual people suffer from. The myth, that Mr. or Miss perfect is out there just waiting to be found or rescued.
My first long term love ended after just a couple years that, ended up dragging on for another four years in my mind.
I just couldnt believe it I thought this was supposed to be till death do you part! What do you mean you want to see other people?
I had bought that illusion hook line and sinker just like many men my age. As well as, those who are still growing up under the oppression of society. Just so I dont appear to be a complete critic, I believe it is possible to stay with one person for a life time if, they want that too and you both are willing to work at it. Thats another whole book.
Moving the time line up ten years; I was still single with occasional sex partners but now there was the threat of HIV or worse yet AIDS. Two of my friends had already died from it so there were all the reasons in the world now to find a healthy partner and STAY with them.
I had just got online and there was what seemed like endless information at my disposal. I started to research everything I could imagine. Then one day I ran across some article about castration.
The thought of castration had not ever crossed my mind but now there it was, this idea, so I read more
I ran across a website that was discussing castration as a treatment for repeat sexual offenders. That particular page listed all the benefits of castration and I was then hooked on the idea for me. At the time I lived in a town of 800 people in a remote area of Vermont and trying to find sexual partners that I found suitable was difficult at best.
It seemed that the older I got the more veracious my appetite for sex became. At this time in the story, I was about 31 years old and growing more frustrated at the prospect of finding a partner. I had turned back to my Christian faith to try and get some peace of mind. Instead, I found myself falling under self condemnation! Holy shit, if I didnt have troubles before I certainly had them now.
I went to my family Doctor and inquired about being castrated. For a split moment in time his face went very pale; then he asked why on earth would you want to do that?
Suffice it to say, it was a wasted office visit and $40.00 to boot. He did however say that there was the option of chemical castration where a shot is given once a month which blocks the production of testosterone. Yet, before he would even consider giving me the shot he wanted me to have a complete psychological exam done.
I promptly made an appointment with a prominent Psychiatrist in the nearby town, after a two hour appointment she said;
It has been a long time since Ive had someone so in tune with themselves sit across from me. Not to mention someone so aware of the world around them. I dont see any reason why you shouldnt have this procedure done.
Wow, I felt as though Id just been given the green light. Back to my Dr. I went, He still wouldnt administer the shot, and he just referred me to the local Urologist.
The Urologist gave me an initial consult and wanted to wait until he received the letter from the Psychiatrist. I all ready knew I was getting a run around. Like the Psychiatrist said, I was very aware of my world and I knew what was going on. Weeks went by, no word from the Urologist.
I was still reading online and gaining more steam all the time. I wanted this done and pretty God dam soon! Then it dawned on me; I grew up on a farm, why not use an elastricator just like youd do pigs? There were people on the BME website who had and told of there results as well as showing before and after pictures. It would be the ultimate fuck you to the medical establishment!
Off to the local Feed and Grain store I went, made the purchase, went home and cleared my calendar and prepared for the event. No one on the BME site said anything about the amount of pain involved. At first there was no pain and minimal discomfort, I thought this is going to be easy enough, but after about an hour I was starting to feel it. I popped about eight Ibuprofen tablets and said no pain no gain right? Buck up Tom, it will be over soon enough. Two and half hours into it I was beginning to sweat, literally, I was getting a pain in my back like Id been kicked by a football line backer. My testicles were on fire! So I drew a tub of cold water and added ice as well, and then sat in that for another half hour.
I couldnt take the pain but by now my testicles were blue and the rubber band around them was only about the diameter of dime, maybe a little less. As much as I hated to I had to admit defeat. So I got in the car and drove to the hospital in the nearby town.
Fortunately it was also in another State. When asked why I was at the emergency room I told the admitting nurse Id tried to castrate myself but couldnt deal with the pain. I thought for a moment she was going to faint! In a dazed manner she said Ill be right back,
Upon returning she had me follow her into an exam room where the attending Dr. came in and looked at the situation, he asked, Why did you attempt this? I told him, Because no Dr. would do it for me! To which he replied well its not going to get done like this, as he was putting an ice pack on my groin.
For a moment I though great hes going to take them off for me. Wrong answer, all he did was remove the elastricator band. I could have cried, the disappointment I felt was indescribable, the least he could have done was given me a shot of Demerol and sent me home. But no I was back at ground zero.
Days later I found out that the amount of time I had the band on was significant enough to damage the testis, so I may have succeeded. Coincidently, a few days after that, I got a note from the urologist stating he would not perform the surgery.
Believing that timing was everything and that nothing is a mistake; I focused my attention back on to my business. Then I started to have hot flashes maybe I had succeeded, since this was an initial side affect of castration, so I had read. These went on for about a year. However, my sex drive was not going away. It was getting harder for me to focus on work. All I wanted to do was get laid. I fantasized about opening up a brothel, but the legal ramifications were too many. Then there was the fact I still lived out in the sticks. Who would be my clients, Deer and Moose? I mean really, I liked my men hung like Moose but I wasnt into beastiality.
Back to my faith I returned this time I said, Im not doing another thing until I have a mate. Lord you said it is not good for a man to be alone. So find me one! Im keeping you to your promises.
I sat home for the next three months searching the online dating ads. I went on two dates, both were duds. I deleted hundreds of email replies from people I thought had I.Qs of 30 compared to mine of 129 at the last testing.
Then one day, I got this email from a guy named Greg, it was well written. Good grammar, and I thought wow, this guy has his shit together. So I replied and we seem to hit it off.
He then sent me his picture, the minute I saw it I thought I know this guy from somewhere I had spent so much time traveling around the country building a private franchise that I thought for sure I may have bumped into him some where.
Then, the next day he suggested we talk on the phone so he could do a voice check, the minute I heard his voice a deeper feeling of knowingness came over me. We discussed travel plans for me to meet him. The next day I purchased a plane ticket and was headed to Kansas City to meet this guy.
The day after purchasing the ticket I had a dream about driving out to see him instead of flying. I told him of the dream and he said why dont you, in fact Ill be in Columbus Ohio, half way there later this week for a swimming completion. We could meet there.
I had a few arrangements to make then I packed my car with all my clothes, computer, valuables and my little 4 month old toy poodle and off we went. I blew out of town so fast my family couldnt believe it and I only said good bye to my closest friends. When asked why I was going to Kansas City I would reply I going out to meet my future.
One marijuana joint my cousin gave me for the road and 16 hours later, at 5 in the morning, I was at Gregs hotel door. When he opened the door I couldnt believe how tall 63 was. Ten minutes later we were having sex. Long story condensed, I didnt return to Vermont for a year. At the time of this writing we are coming up on our 4th year anniversary with no end in sight. There is however more to this story and how it relates to my castration to follow.
Relations with other circles of light
Most of how I relate to people is how I feel around them. Many years ago I had several experiences which lack a true definition, because the description is never the object described. Suffice it to say, at one point I seemed to be able to sense what other people were feeling when I looked at them. I would basically feel the same way.
With a tremendous amount of time spent studying this, I discovered a remarkable amount of accuracy. However what I realized was; it had more to do with energy, than personality or mood; as we generally think of them today.
Whenever I was around men who had a sexual energy about them I discovered it was like a high. This high is produced by Endorphins, corticotrophins and adrenaline. When these brain chemicals are combined in equal proportions you have internal ecstasy. We produce this proportion when we, as men, have an orgasm.
That posed a problem for me;
Someone at a party once said to me, youre a high T person I bet, it seemed to be a passing comment as I recall. Yet it was one of those that stick with you.
Years went buy and periodically Id hear that statement in my ear. Finally one day the light went on, she was talking about Testosterone! The more that thought settled in the more I learned about my self.
Testosterone has been called the FIKI hormone because it means Fuck it or Kill it and that sums it up. I was either scrapping with someone or trying to get probed. Sometimes the time between extremes would only be minutes.
My mother always said it was because I was half French, who are lovers and half Irish, who are fighters.
I now know, it was because of a pair of high power
testicles pumping out some seriously high octane testosterone!
Typically a healthy male of 18 has a testo, (short for testosterone.) level of 850 according to one urologist. Two years after damaging both testis and on the natural downward curve of testo production. I was still managing a level of 650; the high side of normal, as tested by another urologist. Which explains why he couldnt explain the hot flashes I was experiencing at the time.
You are still producing plenty of testosterone he said.
When testosterone enters the pituitary gland in the brain several other chemicals are produced, one of which is estrogen. In men, estrogen tells the sexual organs to get ready to have sex, increased blood flow etc. Too much testo means too much everything else as well. I may go into detail what that meant for me later on.
So life was going good with a partner, building a dream home together but the sex between us had dwindled to nothing over the course of the first two years.
He had stress at his job.
We had stress of compromises with building the house.
I had stress from doing the work I was the contractor since this was my fifth house building project.
However there was a stressor building within me like a lava dome on a volcano. I wasnt getting laid by anyone! I was masturbating three to four times a day and getting very little relief.
Then to make matters worse we rented out some extra space in our house to some apprentice high voltage line workers. Just what I needed two more men under my roof and in my line of vision. One of whom was a quite handsome British man with no doubt a beautiful, very large penis. I was getting more and more frustrated all the time.
Now that I lived in a city of 1.5 million people it was quite easy to find sex if one wanted too. I still struggled with my instilled paradigm of monogamy. I could go and get sex from some anonymous man at the local bath house. Yet even that was beginning to not satisfy me. There was also the disease factor I had to keep in mind.
My partner and I had many discussions about my sexual appetite and he was beginning to feel pressured. In one sense, I though good you should dam it. After all I was a reasonably attractive male who was very willing to please him.
Yet on the other hand I knew he was ten years older than me and had been on hormone replacement therapy for low testosterone levels since before we met. So it wasnt right for me to expect him to perform.
Heres where FIKI comes in, not that I was thinking of killing him, I certainly wasnt. But I would get real mad at him which creates all this awful self talk, which most people forget when they kiss and make up, me on the other, hand didnt get that make up period. The resulting mental control it took to override the self talk was tremendous.
Over the years Id learned different meditation techniques which helped. However I just knew the answer was still the same, too much testosterone!
Apparently, some men can handle testo levels like mine quite well. They are probably excellent military officers, professional wrestlers, boxers, football players etc. But a gay male heaven forbid!
This high testosterone production in gay men causes an amazing duality of nature. Ive met other gay men with the same conditions and their reaction to life around them is similar.
For me I could be the most loving, nurturing guy, often resembling that of a sweet grandmother image. Yet when provoked I would be like a Doberman pinscher on steroids. I was also very aggressive in general.
I was arrested on several occasions for taking care of business. Looking back it is all kind of ironic---here was this floating little fag prancing about until someone would cat call me then I would turn into one of the meanest people youve ever met.
This guy called me out one afternoon, as I was driving by. I spun my car around, got out and said what did you say? he repeated it, little faggot. It was fist to cuffs from that moment on. I drilled his head into a parked car he clipped the end of my nose causing it to bleed we tussled some more I could hear sirens coming, so spinning him out, he hit his head on a parking meter. I said Just remember two things my blood is all over you and Im going to let you wonder if Ive got aids or not. And this little fag just kicked your ass!
The saddest part of that story was; he was a hot man, who I would have loved to have sex with. I bet he too was a high testo guy, who probably wouldve loved to fuck the stars out of me. Here we come full circle, back at the three types of men, A, B, C.
Years went by and I met him at a party and we got along fine there was a moment though when we both looked stunned with recognition, but we never spoke of the street fight.
Stories like that go on and on though out most of my life.
I wanted so desperately to be free from that strife and internal struggle. My Christian friends all said pray about it; Like they could truly understand the magnitude of the conflict. Others wanted me to take part in conversion therapy so I wouldnt rot in hell. Truth was, I was already living in hell.
The medical community wanted to medicate me to the point I didnt know my name.
Sure in my late 20s into my early 30s I spent most of those years all doped up by the doctors. I kept telling them Im so agitated it aint funny. For six years, I tried every medical treatment known to science except, Electric Convulsive Therapy. I felt it was too barbaric. They would do ECT but they wouldnt do a simple 30 minute orchiectomy.
I was even arrested for assault on a woman, while on all those drugs designed to calm me down and reduce my agitation. When the Judge heard my story he basically slapped my hand and suggested I take anger management classes. The woman had a history of provoking men anyway.
My mom thought I should take Karate, or boxing. I chose to take Tae Kwon Do. It helped me feel more in control of my surroundings and gave me a good work out.
However, a few years later I was the victim of a gay hate crime and an assailant tried to drag me out of my car one night. We struggled for a few moments before I could subdue him using the techniques I learned in Tae Kwon Do class. This man was particularly determined to cause me bodily injury. I was able to get free from him and get in my car, but not without him grabbing the door. I ended up dragging him about 75 feet before he let go. Since I knew the mans name I had the police get involved because I knew he had weapons and would try to shoot me if he could.
When the police apprehended him, they were trying to make a case that I had used excessive force on the man because his brow bone had been broken in the conflict. I said, wait one second the very first move in Tae Kwon Do is DEFENSE, then, we are taught to get them on the ground and keep them there Its not my problem the idiot would stay down!
Fast forward to life here in Kansas City; I think the realtor knew I was a high T person when she sold us this house. After a year of my nose to the grindstone rehabbing a 100 year old house; I started to expand my consciousness to the neighborhood. Much to my surprise, it was on the verge of ghetto. So out comes the Doberman on steroids and a couple years later and several changes of neighbors, its not such a bad street. The crack heads and crystal meth dealers and an irreverent Mexican family for some reason chose to leave.
My partner feared we would be the victims of drive by shootings. Single handedly Ive run five different apartment dwellers out of the neighborhood, but not with out spending three days in jail though. As you can clearly see the cycle continued.
God knows how I longed to be free from me; sure people love what I can do for them. Why was it so difficult to get a surgeon to do what I want to do, for me? Ill get more into that answer later on.
At this point Id like to get into some of the questions Ive been asked and my answers to them. For privacy sake I will not reveal who asked the question and the only changes I have made to them are grammatical corrections.
Q: What was your motivation to get cut?
A: To reduce sex drive, reduce rage, and continue spiritual ascension.
Q: Will you take hormones?
A: No...Not unless, for some unknown reason, I have to.
Q: Could you walk right after the castration?
A: Yup I just had a Depends stuffed between my legs.
Q: Were your balls removed through sac?
A: Yes...one incision right down the center where you have that natural line in the sac...about two inches long. Five stitches closed it up afterwards.
Q: How long did the whole procedure take?
A: Well he talked to me for about an hour, explaining the Urology stuff. The procedure only took 30 minutes from start to finish!
Q: Was there any discomfort during the procedure?
A: The only discomfort in the procedure was when he numbed the nerve, and that felt like I was kicked in the lower back for about 3 seconds.
Q: In the back? Is that were he numbs the nerve?
A: Yea that's the interesting thing...the nerve that goes to your balls comes out of the 10th vertebrae up from the base of the spine. He numbed the nerve through the sack, but you feel it in your back. Ive had worse needle pain at the dentist!
Q: How long does it take for the testosterone to loose effect?
A: The Urologist said it would start to drop off immediately but it would take about two months to level out. A healthy 18 year old man has a testosterone level of about 850 this gradually lowers to about 170 at age 70. After the removal of the testis the levels will drop to about 30. This is about the same level of testosterone a post menopausal woman has.
Q: Are there any negative side effects of your testosterone being that low?
A: As for the potential drawbacks, here's what I
know;
A risk of developing osteoporosis (which is now
Treatable with calcium supplements and drugs like
Fosomax )
Increased fat layer under the skin (thicker skin) When
you feel a mans leg for example its hard because of
muscle...when you feel a womans leg it is soft because
of fat, with out testosterone I'll develop a bit more fat
under the skin so I will feel softer.
Breast may develop or tonicity of Pectorals my
Diminish.
May not be as strong.
Hot flashes may occur but will eventually stop
Each male body reacts differently to castration.
Q: What are the advantages to castration?
A: My receding hairline would stop falling out.
My beard would grow in slower (good because I hated
shaving anyway)
I would be at a REDUCED risk for Coronary disease
I will live 10 to 15 years longer than other men.
Virtually eliminates Androgen which is believed to
aggravate arthritis (which is why I like to live in warmer
states)
Virtually eliminates any risk of developing prostate cancer
which is the second leading killer of men.
Eliminates risk of testicular cancer which is the third
leading killer of men.
Reduces or eliminates the cravings to have sex.
Reduces body odor.
Greatly reduces agitation across the board.
Allows for increased clarity of thought.
Creates a permanently calm state of mind (unless H.R.T. is
involved) Coined the Eunuch Calm
Those are just the benefits that I can think of off the top of my head. There may be others, but there again not everyone is going to think all those things are positive.
Faith and Spirituality
Mind the Me, Myself and I
Many people dont go to this topic for fear of being judged or ridiculed. I figure why not just a minute ago we were talking about my balls; it doesnt get more personal than that right?
You see it IS much more personal and most people would rather talk about my balls than to talk about the unseen; which is what Im about to discuss.
Please understand the following disclaimer; I have no need to be right, so you are under no obligation to agree with me on what follows.
When I said earlier I turned back to my Christian faith I meant just that, faith not religion. The Christian religion would have me in some conversion therapy class and preaching how Jesus would heal me. Or that I was going to rot in hell.
The thing is, Jesus looked at me and didnt find a thing to heal. Being the gentleman he is, he suggested I could make different choices, and this might ease some of the burden on my heart.
Over the recent past few years I have made those difficult and often agonizing better choices. There were times when I felt like my heart was being ripped in half, I would see the face of Christ and remember to ask for his help; and faithful and true, He has ALWAYS been there for me.
When I asked for a mate I got one. When I thought I would reject the one given to me; He said youll stay because this is what I want for you. When I asked for Him to take the pain in my heart away, he did instantly.
I cannot teach someone to have a connection with spirituality; one either has it or one is working on developing it. I can however live a life of example and inspiration.
Why was the right choice for me so agonizing?
Because there was this amazing battle between the three of us. Thats right three Me, Myself and I. That three part being we call human, body, mind and soul.
Lets start with Me first because I prefers it that way. Me was born male in 1966 to a struggling working class family. When I was conceived my mom was hoping for a girl, while dad was hoping for another boy. My brother was born a year and six months prior. I think God decided to answer both of their prayers; He gave them, me.
For many years I was my mothers little gem and she taught me by example, the ways of a good woman. She taught me to cook, clean, sew and knit. She taught me to nurture babies, my two little sisters; and grow plants. All the fine traits passed down from her mom.
There was a dark side though I was to be my dads whipping boy. I at the time, I just never understood it, my father would take out his frustrations on me and that would break my mothers heart. It would break mine too because I didnt know how to handle my father any different and I hated seeing her pain. Thats where Karma comes in. The sins of the father manifest in their sons.
About 24 years went by and my father met with his own Karma and I was chosen to be the deliver. There had been a negative energy between my father and Myself for years over the way he abused this body (me).
One day my dad was going to physically beat me for disagreeing with him. I ran through the basement door of my home for safety,(we were neighbors) he followed right behind. Up the stairs I ran and at the top I found a square pointed steel shovel; As I grabbed it and turned around, my dad was about 4 steps from the top. So I slammed him right over the head with the shovel. Whos going to get beat now motherfucker I said; as I wound up and slammed him over the head again.
Stunned he stumbled back to the bottom of the stairs I was winding up for a third blow just as my brother came running in the front door.
What are you doing? he yelled and grabbed the shovel which was raised behind my head.
Trying to kill him what does it look like? Now get ta fuck out of my way and Ill finish what I started. I said in a low determined growl.
My father ran out the basement door screaming at the top of his lungs for my mother to call the police. I found out later that when my father was my age he had beaten his father over the head with an iron pipe. Full circle weve come.
I told you I was a mean fag; now lets talk about myself for a bit. Unbeknown to me (this body), was such a turbulent life often drains the Soul of energy used to sustain the body.
Myself and I understood this. As I approached my late 20s I had about as much Soul energy as an 80 year old man. Death was not too far away for me.
Myself and I knew of a way to make an exchange; trade places if you will. There was another Soul that wanted to finish up some life laundry that was willing to trade places with myself.
I was in agreement and looked over the terms of the exchange, a contract if you will. This is no simple feat and death of the body sometimes results.
The exchange took place on a cold wintry night in 1996 but the process takes 13 years to complete. There was a suspended state like anesthesia that I remained in for about a year.
My body had to basically do what it knew and try to muddle through life as best it could until I awoke. It takes human energy to awaken human energy, and that happened for me at a business convention in Spokane Washington early in 1998 I was surrounded by 20,000 happy excited loving people and I woke up in me, and myself.
I was aware of EVERTHING right down to the muscles that move the iris in my eye. From that point on you could feel the heat of renewed Soular energy radiating out of me, from a distance of about 4 to 5 feet. I had the energy to work 18 hours a day six days a week, pot and alcohol had little or no effect on me for about the next two years, as myself and me burned off some of that new energy.
Of course the new I had no prior bad history with my dad, so when I saw him again that spring I was genuinely excited to see him. He looked stunned again; perhaps it was because I hadnt talked to him in seven years. My mom looked like shed seen a ghost. Dad and I talked and have gotten along great ever since. Ive never explained the reasons behind the new attitude to them; I dont feel it necessary. Suffice it to say, my mothers prayer for harmony between my dad and me has also been answered.
I (the soul)however, was running into some difficulty settling into this new body. I wanted full ascension, myself (the mind) couldnt see how it was going to be possible and me (the body) resisted the possible effects.
In the spring of 2001 my parents came to visit. Dad was helping me put down a new sub floor in my bathroom. While working close together I suddenly felt a tug at my belly button then a feeling of energy flow from me and my dad. I was starting to get light headed so I got up and walked away breaking the draining connection. They left two days later and even my partner noticed I was drained.
Ive never seen you so tired he said.
This event puzzled me for awhile. Later on it was known to us that my father wanted to stay around a time longer but he himself didnt have the Soul resources to do so. I was able to give him some of mine, in that energy infusion and now he can enjoy his grand children for a while, if hes careful.
A couple years have passed since then and Ive continued my spiritual ascension but still struggled with power issues from within. It wasnt until after spending a few days with nature and reactivating the living Merkaba field around me; I was able to see a path that would allow the three of us to exist peacefully together.
It is written, there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mothers womb; and there are eunuchs made by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.
I came into a male body, yes but I dont feel any gender. For me it was all about being male, myself was constantly trying to buffer the energy I would receive from other men in the form of sex; with that of my Soul. Sometimes it was a loving match and sometimes it wasnt. I wanted a steady supply from the source. In order to get that I needed to be fully seated in this body; the orchiectomy was the starting point.
It was also written that the kingdom of heaven is within. When one thinks in those terms, ascending in a spiritual way is getting peace within. This was my goal, to be free from the turmoil within. I had to make my exterior match my interior. My interior had no gender. As a compromise with my body we decided to only remove the testicles. Besides, I like the convenience of being able to stand up and pee.
How did I know it was right for me?
How does one know anything is right for them?
Both are valid questions.
The answer is; it is different for every person.
However, I will try to give the best answer I can; Timing.
The timing in my life is always perfect.
The time in my life when the idea first came in to being was the right time; I was at a point where I was researching everything. I had decided to get rid of any beliefs that had proven them selves false. I tested every belief I held and lost some friends and loved ones along the way. The idea of eunuchs, made logical sense at that time; then I had to test my belief structure surrounding it. That process took four years.
The next logical step then, was to proceed. The failed self-attempt was an indicator that the timing was not right but the intent was determined. More life choices were to be made and some Karmic debts to be paid. Five years went past.
Then one day I heard my guide say, you have helped make enough other peoples dreams come true its time we make one of yours come true.
I was so excited I could barely contain myself. Which one would it be?
Oh, my God!
It was like the excitement of a five year old at Christmas time. For days, I wondered which one it would be.
Months went by, then I just found myself surrendering completely; I was mentally exhausted from trying to figure it out. I gave up. In my Merkaba work, I set my intention; for complete and full ascension to blend with my personality, as I consciously know it to be.
Circumstances then began to fall into place to bring that thought into being. I had another heart felt experience with my partner and while focusing my attention to my Merkaba to sustain me through it; the answer came. Its time Im going to get the orchiectomy.
Within minutes, I had set my resolve to obtaining this. I felt my whole being change every movement suddenly seemed to be automatic. Even my responses to external stimuli seemed to be controlled from out side my body.
For the following three weeks, it was an amazing time to be alive for me. I experienced intense conversations with me, myself and I. The communication between others and me on this path was phenomenal.
The extraordinary sensation of being in the flow of energy like that is indescribable. To continually feel the peace that it brings; I could not begin to explain. I will hope now that it continues for the rest of my existence.
In short, I can now have the peace that I only use to experience while in my Merkaba meditative state.
The sensation of energy seems tangible enough that one should be able to measure it somehow. When I sit very still in an upright position; you can actually see my body wobble as if one was inside a fast spinning gyroscope. At the same time all that is going on, there is the sensation of being hugged and how loving that feels.
B.C. (before castration) that feeling was canceled out by testosterone, the only way to feel that particular energy is with the heart. The difference is; now I feel those sensations all the time instead of in fleeting moments
My spirituality has always been a journey of ongoing change and depth. Therefore, for me, castration was just another step in my spiritual journey...a process of detaching oneself from what is considered an earthly privilege...sex. For me, this was privileged was sacrificed so that I may have all the good that can possibly be given me in this lifetime. I have been for some time now; willing to give it all up in order to get everything in return.
So far, I feel extraordinarily fortunate, and I am grateful for everything I have.
The price of freedom
There is a price for everything in this world. So what does the freedom I was looking for cost?
More than some are willing to pay.
To, give it all up in order to get everything in return. I have rolled that thought around in my head for years; and year by year that thought has rolled over areas of my life forever changing the landscape and view.
Would you give up the idea of sex in order to have a permanent orgasm?
Would you give up the idea of making millions of dollars in order to have a rich life?
I found out that saying and doing were two different things all together; and I cant sit here and tell you I have it all square right now either. It is just something I work at everyday and one day at a time.
For most men their balls are the Family Jewels and are priceless. Even the thought of harm brings a tangible ache to them. The concept of life without testicles is unthinkable.
Herein lies the conundrum; our male dominated society cannot think about life without testicles, so those doctors, who can do oldest and most simple surgery in the history of man wont; primarily because they cant conceive of it. Secondarily, because of litigation; they are deathly afraid of being sued. The misconception of the first accentuates the fear in the second.
There are only two known surgeons in the US who will do the orchiectomy on an elective basis and the cost for each is around $2000.00. Dr. Kimmel who did my surgery is in early 70s by my guess; so how much longer hell be doing it, no one knows.
There are too many men like me out there; some gay, some straight, some third gender and some Trans gender who are willing to do it themselves for their convictions. Many also like me end up at the Emergency Room later and some die trying. On a socially responsible level this should never occur. What happen to the freedom to pursue happiness?
Granted, now as a eunuch I do think differently about some things but Im still me
I tell people who thought Id react in an odd manner afterward; I had an orchiectomy not a frontal lobotomy!
I still get mad, I just dont get mean.
I still laugh, just a little more often.
I still cry, just a little more easily.
I still Love, just a little more intimately.
Knowing what I know now; Id have paid more if Id been asked too. To think--I now have another whole lifetime out in front of me with the vision to see clearly how spectacular.
