For those of you have NO idea what happens in August!

Back to School

There might be something to be said for being a eunuch, or being gay, and not having children. I am NOT one of these people, technically. Andrew made a post not long ago about “why children”? Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE kids. I’d have a dozen or so in a better world, but for now, I only have 5 part-time. Yet somehow, I wound up with 2 of them on an almost regular basis. I’ll resist rambling on about men who father children and then don’t think that they have to pay for them, or DO anything with them. Back to the subject:

This time of year is the balance, I think, when the Economy – as if it were a living entity bent on getting even – levels the playing field of your finances. I have known women like that, too. That tax break that you get for those kids in April comes back to bite you on the butt in August when school starts!

We must have shoes, and not just any shoes. The play shoes from summer, which lasted all of 3 months then disintegrated, are a memory. The sandals for playwear out in the warm sun and sand are failing. We must buy shoes, as I said. We must have the ones made of pure dead cow, with all the fancy stitching, made by a child in a 3rd world country who has probably never even worn the shoes that he makes for his $1 a week wage. These can run anywhere from $50 and up, but if you have the gay-male-shopping-gene and a temper, you can do better. Last night, I spotted a “buy one, get one ½ off sale” with a clearance rack. Bad idea. So, much like Aladdin and his flying carpet, I flew in on my Gold MasterCard and proceeded to ravage the mercantile. After beating the boy in question across his butt with a shoe and telling him to not touch the $120 ones, I began to haggle. $76 dollars later, and I had two pair of shoes – 1 Nike, 1 Fila, a can of water spray and a can of de-stinker mist for my trouble. Three employees clocked out and left before I was done. I was then called upon to assist a poor heterosexual fellow with FOUR young boys in the size 4-5 aisle. Lucky guy…I have to go to the men’s 7+ section and pay more…I think I should call the local children’s hospital and ask about foot reduction surgery. Why does a boy that is 4’6” tall have size 9 feet?! (For Nike, deduct 1 off the label size.)

Now we must have clothes.

For some reason, the school frowns upon boys showing up at the front door in their socks and boxers. I don’t get it…they’re not naked, what’s the problem?!

Socks – 6 pair – cotton breathable ankle length, white, with an emblem of some corporation on them - $9. Sale. Two bags.

Boxers and briefs – these are such a scam. Almost $1 a pair. I opened a package and slightly damaged one pair. Got them for half price. The boy went through checkout with the boxers on his head. The shift manager went on break.

Shirts – cool shirts. Short or long sleeved. Loud colors. Average, $8-9 a shirt. We need 10.

Pants – can you say clearance? Lucked out here. $9-10 a pair, but $17 for two other pair of the nice denim cargo thingys with lots of zippers and pockets. We needed 10 pair.

This is also complicated by sizing. What is a 14-16? It doesn’t mean inches, like men’s 32x32. It means nothing, really. Then we have S,M,L,XL. For those confused, an XL is a boys’ 20. One leg length for all. Right…God save the zipper on the legs…we’ll need it later. The only safe way to buy these is to make him try them on.

Backpacks – the old standby. $15, slightly damaged with a snag. God save K-Mart!

Notebooks, pencils, pens, watches, crayons, etc., and things to put them in, so that thing can be put in the backpack…$20.

But wait…now is the time to shop for a coat!

It’s 100F outside, but the winter outwear is in! There goes about $100 for 2.

Oh and now we come to book fees.

Indiana is one of the few states that not only charges you like $100 a month in property taxes on a paid off house on 1 acre of land, but then they have the balls to hit you for about $100 a kid in book rental fees and then pay the teachers about $25k a year. I know teachers who qualify for partial aid with their kids. These fees are for books that say that the planet Saturn has 12 moons, 3 rings, and that Neptune is the 8th planet. Pluto isn’t even in it. There’s a big country in the middle of Africa that is labeled “The Congo”. One paragraph talks about President Nixon and his panda bears in China. God save the Internet and my printer

At least I can do the haircuts myself. Isn’t the buzzcut a wonderful thing?

But wait, what if the boy signs up for band or a sports team? Look out, there goes about another $200 AND a lot more in gas. Have you priced a trumpet lately? I’m going to go and find John Phillips Sousa and defile his grave now

By the second week, we’ll have school pictures, too. I never buy them, though. They usually suck and they won’t let ME shoot them. I did shoot C’s retake once, the fellow was cute, and I got his phone number…C was the only kid with a “Vogue” type school picture.

And we can’t forget the doctor and the dentist for the back to school check up.

He needs what? Braces?! Fillings? A spacer?

The only break I get is the fact that his arm cast comes off in one more week and the insurance pays for that.

Can you say “2nd mortgage”, boys and girls?

Too late

I think I’m going to hunt down the sperm donor who created these two and tear his balls off.

Well, not having any to look after myself, my primary concern is traffic. Around these parts, rush hour almost doubles once school is back in session. With all those yellow and orange buses flitting here and there, the evening rush starts at 3:00 instead of at 4:30 or 5:00. Oh well, at least the schools don't start here until after Labor Day.

I used to take my nieces and nephews shopping. The worst time was with my nieces who I accused of dressing like streetwalkers. Not that I'm over modest, but these kids by clothes nowadays that are awful. - - torn, ripped, shredded, ventilated - and that's the boys.

I’m with Paolo on this one – in lots of ways. I’ve argued before that in a perfect world Paolo would have at least a half dozen well cared for and well loved kids. Instead, in this less than perfect world, he gets to be a godparent for three and surrogate parent for two boys.

The sperm donor for the two he’s describing here seems to have done nothing more for these two (or his several other spawn) since arranging for their birth. From what I know of him, he’s an excellent argument for eugenics and the prepubertal (or, at least, pre-reproduction) sterilization of those unfit or unwilling to be proper parents.

Paolo’s doing a great job of making up for his insufficiencies.

I usually agree with Andrew, but this is one place where I do not. My greatest joy is my grandson. Without kids I wouldn’t have him (and hopefully more like him in the future). My wife and I now wish that we hadn’t stopped at two.

Some people should have kids and some should not. Some people do have kids and some do not. Unfortunately, the should and the do groups are not consonant, and neither are the should not and the do not groups.