an open letter to all
Posted: Fri May 14, 2004 8:56 pm
Once again, I am finding it difficult to log on anymore. We are a very sensitive lot and find it so easy to find misunderstanding here. But, after all, understanding is what draws us here to begin with, so misunderstanding can become totally devastating. I tried to put my thoughts in a message on the board, but somehow when I previewed it, the system digested it and it never returned. I tried backing up a page, but the page had expired. I decided once again to do this one more time, as this would allow me to also place my observations of the types of people that use this board and do so in a very non-judgmental way. I felt by doing so, it may help others when it comes to the sensitive issues like the feelings of others. Bear with me please.
I find that we are divided into two distinct groups here. I know grouping is divisive and can be discriminatory, but I am not look at preferences, rather personalities. There are the curious onlookers, and those with interests in a sexual identity other than their birth sex. We wont discuss the former, but they should know that they are not only welcome, but needed here. Those who are curious about why somebody may want to be other than what they are, tend to be more accepting of us that are that way. Also those of us that are, need to give honest answers to the curious ones, that is their need here. We get back what we give.
The other group can be divided into (I feel) three distinct groups: the ones that have arrived at their goal, those who are on their way, and those who will never get there. I am a member of the latter. I am a wannabe, but (realistically) probably never gonna be. I have frequently been shunned by the misunderstanding of the former groups because of this. Lets look at the three so we can understand the who and the why of the folks we interact with and try to give them what they need, while they supply us with why we are here.
First, I am straight in my sexuality. I must comment that I have had hundreds of female friends I have never slept with. I find that sex can screw up a perfectly good friendship anyway so associating with someone that may be gay, is no different to me than associating with a female. Just because I would never feel sexually attracted to them, does not mean that I cannot be friendly with them. Many of my good friends here are either gay or transsexual in transition. I love our diversity and the way we get along. We supply a need for each other that can only be filled by the love and affection of another.
There are those here, in the former group who mentor those of us that are trying to come to grips with the feelings we carry inside us. Some almost live here, Like Andrew in the message section. Andrew will always answer any question that is posed to him. He is very willing and helpful and I do respect him for this. I also admire Sherry Joann for her insight and help she has shown me throughout her transition (has it really been 5 years, man I come her too much, I remember you from before). I totally love Tomas to death. He is my Idol and has been for years. Many in this group are here to help us sort out the emotional mess we call our lives.
Then there are those on the way to achieving their goals. Members that have the support and position to put themselves in a position where they can finally be where they feel they need to be. Members like my good friend Sag111, who gave being a eunuch a 2 year test drive before considering anything permanent and irreversible. These people are lucky. Their transition does not cost them their lives. They have family that, if not supportive, at least makes an attempt to find understanding. They have careers that allow for change and they have a situation that will not be diminished because of their new identity. I am thankful that they have this.
Finally, and regrettably, there is a very large group here, that, like myself, find themselves in a situation where their life gets in the way of their desires. I am never going to be anything but a fraud. I will be a male impersonator until I die. I live with this. Does that make me a bad person?
I think of so many of my friends here that, like me, live in constant fear of being outed before they are ready. I sneak into a shed in my back yard to chat at home. A shed with no windows and 1X4 floors and cedar walls with no insulation, just to be out of the house, out of sight, but, as Sag111 will tell you, not out of earshot. Just to find some peace from a home life that is both far from understanding and a job that would never tolerate me deviating from the puritanical norm. What are my options? I realistically have none.
So when you are here chatting with someone that wants to identify as a female, that may not have even started transitioning, is it really all that wrong to call them She? Please try to think of how good that would make them feel. If you invite them to sit on your lap, just pretend they are female. After all, this is just a cyber reality and many of us may never get closer than this.
We get so fogged by our upbringing that says we cannot touch a man there that even in our cyber reality, it is just not ever done. But why not? This human being that has been there for you, also has needs. I love you Deirdre, as a person. I see you as the woman you want to be. I love Jema too and get so much of what I need from them that it is wonderful when we are together (in our altered reality). I also love RichardUK. I know I will never meet Christina, or Lilac or Deirdre. That does not mean I dont care for them as a person.
I thank you all for what you have given me. I will always be grateful to you for that. I just cannot handle the emotional involvement I have with the folks that live here right now. It is not any one person, it is mostly me. I care too much. Most of the really good friends I have here I will still see on yahoo but for now I have to heal. I will be back soon. I always come back.
My love to all
Toad
I find that we are divided into two distinct groups here. I know grouping is divisive and can be discriminatory, but I am not look at preferences, rather personalities. There are the curious onlookers, and those with interests in a sexual identity other than their birth sex. We wont discuss the former, but they should know that they are not only welcome, but needed here. Those who are curious about why somebody may want to be other than what they are, tend to be more accepting of us that are that way. Also those of us that are, need to give honest answers to the curious ones, that is their need here. We get back what we give.
The other group can be divided into (I feel) three distinct groups: the ones that have arrived at their goal, those who are on their way, and those who will never get there. I am a member of the latter. I am a wannabe, but (realistically) probably never gonna be. I have frequently been shunned by the misunderstanding of the former groups because of this. Lets look at the three so we can understand the who and the why of the folks we interact with and try to give them what they need, while they supply us with why we are here.
First, I am straight in my sexuality. I must comment that I have had hundreds of female friends I have never slept with. I find that sex can screw up a perfectly good friendship anyway so associating with someone that may be gay, is no different to me than associating with a female. Just because I would never feel sexually attracted to them, does not mean that I cannot be friendly with them. Many of my good friends here are either gay or transsexual in transition. I love our diversity and the way we get along. We supply a need for each other that can only be filled by the love and affection of another.
There are those here, in the former group who mentor those of us that are trying to come to grips with the feelings we carry inside us. Some almost live here, Like Andrew in the message section. Andrew will always answer any question that is posed to him. He is very willing and helpful and I do respect him for this. I also admire Sherry Joann for her insight and help she has shown me throughout her transition (has it really been 5 years, man I come her too much, I remember you from before). I totally love Tomas to death. He is my Idol and has been for years. Many in this group are here to help us sort out the emotional mess we call our lives.
Then there are those on the way to achieving their goals. Members that have the support and position to put themselves in a position where they can finally be where they feel they need to be. Members like my good friend Sag111, who gave being a eunuch a 2 year test drive before considering anything permanent and irreversible. These people are lucky. Their transition does not cost them their lives. They have family that, if not supportive, at least makes an attempt to find understanding. They have careers that allow for change and they have a situation that will not be diminished because of their new identity. I am thankful that they have this.
Finally, and regrettably, there is a very large group here, that, like myself, find themselves in a situation where their life gets in the way of their desires. I am never going to be anything but a fraud. I will be a male impersonator until I die. I live with this. Does that make me a bad person?
I think of so many of my friends here that, like me, live in constant fear of being outed before they are ready. I sneak into a shed in my back yard to chat at home. A shed with no windows and 1X4 floors and cedar walls with no insulation, just to be out of the house, out of sight, but, as Sag111 will tell you, not out of earshot. Just to find some peace from a home life that is both far from understanding and a job that would never tolerate me deviating from the puritanical norm. What are my options? I realistically have none.
So when you are here chatting with someone that wants to identify as a female, that may not have even started transitioning, is it really all that wrong to call them She? Please try to think of how good that would make them feel. If you invite them to sit on your lap, just pretend they are female. After all, this is just a cyber reality and many of us may never get closer than this.
We get so fogged by our upbringing that says we cannot touch a man there that even in our cyber reality, it is just not ever done. But why not? This human being that has been there for you, also has needs. I love you Deirdre, as a person. I see you as the woman you want to be. I love Jema too and get so much of what I need from them that it is wonderful when we are together (in our altered reality). I also love RichardUK. I know I will never meet Christina, or Lilac or Deirdre. That does not mean I dont care for them as a person.
I thank you all for what you have given me. I will always be grateful to you for that. I just cannot handle the emotional involvement I have with the folks that live here right now. It is not any one person, it is mostly me. I care too much. Most of the really good friends I have here I will still see on yahoo but for now I have to heal. I will be back soon. I always come back.
My love to all
Toad
. How can we face life toadless? I realize how feelings can get scratched, bruised or severely damaged, but that's why were here - to work it out.
