Domestic Violence

[Ulysses (imported)]

I don’t know if this is the right place to post this message. In most aspects, the message isn’t specifically related to TG-ism or to eunuch culture / identity so maybe it should not be posted on this forum at all. However, I decided to post anyway because I think it gives another perspective to TG-life (though you could replace the word “TG” with “Gay”, “Lesbian”, “Heterosexual” or “Human” and I think the comments could be equally valid) ……………..

I met Claire, my ex-partner, in Belfast yesterday (Easter Saturday). The meeting was at her request and was the first time that I had seen her since we broke up last summer (though we had had some telephone / email communication since then). Prior to that, we had dated for almost 18 months, including living informally together for about half of that time.

There was one reason why I ended the relationship ……. domestic violence. Having been subject to domestic violence, I am now very well aware that it is sometimes a taboo subject, especially in those instances in which it does not occur in a conventional male-female relationship (with the male as the aggressor).

We had met in early 2002 (by that stage I was post-op MtF just under a year). I was introduced to her by a mutual friend. Though previously married to a male, she was now a proclaimed lesbian. It wasn’t quite love at first site …… our first meetings were in wider company of friends and acquaintances. It was only in the 3rd or 4th of these meetings, that a mutual attraction became clear. As the weeks passed, we were dating one-on-one, a relationship was forming and it was becoming increasingly serious.

In my “male” life, I had been seriously in love with two females. However, Claire was the first person I feel in love with as a female, even though it was not my first relationship en femme.

Despite being taller and broader than me, Claire looked very feminine, even though she identified as “butch” (I didn’t really know what the word meant when she first told me and, despite my best efforts, I still don’t think that I do now). She wasn’t an outwardly aggressive person, although looking back I can now see that, just when things seemed to be going very well and we were enjoying each other’s company, that she would start arguments (for good or bad, I am argumentative myself and when the bait came, I always took it) and these would often end in one of us walking out on the other and, in Claire’s case, tears. Typically, though, we were reunited in minutes and seemingly more happy together than ever before.

The violence only really started when I moved to Claire’s house and started to live between there and my own place. The first instance was a Friday evening. I had been meant to meet with Claire and 2 of her friends at a restaurant. However, I got delayed and turned up over 30 mins late. Claire didn’t let on to be annoyed in front of her friends (in fact, I didn’t even know she was annoyed). When we returned home, she launched a verbal attack that ended in her slapping me across the face. I didn’t react, other than to walk out.

Over the next months, our relationship continued to grow but as we got closer, the incidents of violence got worse. It typically started with a slap on the face. Sometimes, that is how it ended. Other times, she would punch me also. Pulling my hair became one of her favourites. I never hit back in self-defence …. because I thought, rightly or wrongly, that this would simply increase the physical intensity of her own assaults. More so, I loved her and my reaction was not to cause her any pain.

Whilst I cannot ever remember fearing for my physical safety, two attacks do stand out for their intensity. In one of these, she started to choke me until she seemed to realise what she was doing. The second was when she smashed an empty wine bottle across my right leg (I still have the scares) and this was the attack that resulted in my departure.

Why stay so long in an abusive relationship? I have asked myself this quite a lot. I would consider myself to be a mentally strong, confident person and not typical “victim material” but we don’t choose who we fall in love with and love isn’t always rationale. Similarly, it was only a facet of Claire’s personality that was violent ……… more often than not, the episodes of violence would ultimately result in her wrapping her arms around me, apologising and in floods of tears. In addition, I genuinely thought that I could help Claire with this problem, even though I was probably misguided in this belief.

Leaving was difficult …… a decision made whilst receiving stitches in casualty on a Friday night and acted upon in the early hours of a Saturday morning when I collected everything from Claire’s home during which we both looked to say something to each other but the words just would not come out for either of us.

So that was last August and yesterday afternoon I met Claire for the first time since. We had a very honest conversation on a restaurant / bar complex overlooking Belfast’s waterfront and, by late afternoon, we were holding each other. On my advice, Claire is now receiving anger management counselling and she says that this is helping significantly (though I think the real test here will be when Claire enters another relationship).

I asked Claire why she had wanted to meet with me yesterday and she said that she had wanted to apologise and to see if we could maybe re-start, if not where we had left off, seeing each other. Against my immediate gut reaction, I said that I didn’t think that would be a good idea. However, I did tell Claire that I loved her and that I would be there to support her going forward.

Meeting Claire again yesterday caused me some frustration. At times, I felt a sense of regret or of “what might have been”, at others, I felt that I was maybe letting her down. But, ultimately, I was glad to have met with Claire again and, though this may seem slightly strange, last night I had a semi-sense of elation following the meeting. I don’t know why, but I think it must have been that I was finally able to have some sense of closure on how our relationship had ended last year.

The above post is a bit self-indulgent. I was writing it for my own sake anyway following our meeting yesterday, but decided to post it here for a number of reasons, partly to counter some of the stereotypes that exist out there re. domestic violence i.e. that domestic violence is always a case of a male aggressor and female victim, that violence in LGBT relationships is simply an example of indirect S&M activity. It also shows me that the fantasy of many people on this site where they wish to be subject to non-consensual violence (sexual or otherwise) should in most cases remain just that i.e. as a fantasy.

Ulysses

[jemagirl (imported)]

Having recently ended a difficult relationship, I know the sense of loss you are referring to. All the promise felt in the beginning the relationship becomes regret over what might have been. My relationship was not a physically violent one but emotionally I was being beaten down. It was a form of control. In the end I simply could be who I needed to be and had to end the relationship.

Abuse comes in many forms, and some times it is not easy to recognize for what it is. Abuse is a form of control. Domestic violence is one of the more brutal forms of it. It is the one we think of first and the one we read about in the news. Emotional violence is harder to see but it leaves scars as well. Having been in an abusive relationship I now understand why people find it so difficult to leave.

One of the lessons I have learned is that the abuser is not always aware of the harm they are causing. In my case he couldn't see it until I was breaking up with him. It hurt me to see the pain in his eyes as I left and I still feel the pain as I write this. I am left with the question "Is there any thing else I could have done?" But he has to make the change on his own. May be by leaving he will recognize the problem and do something about it. If I had stayed I would have become like him. I could feel it starting to happen. We would have both been abusers living in the hell of a sick relationship. I still love him. I do not want to demonize him. I just cant be with him any more.

No relationship diminish your obligation to take care of your self. Abuse is any attack on your person wether it is physical emotional or spiritual. Some abuse is harder to see than others, but all abuse can be recognized as a form of control. This may seem contrary to some who believe that abuse is the loss of control where the abuser lash out in frustration. No abuse it seems to me is how the abuser attempts to regain control over a situation in which they feel insecure.

I often heard him say things like "you gave me no choice" or "I had no other option". So it is not just to suffer an attack on ones person but to be made responsible for it as well that is the hall mark of abuse. After a while I began to believe it. But what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander as they say. So I started to look at things the way he did, and then in a fashion I acted out the way he did. Yes if I had stayed I too would have been the abuser. I even felt the desire to hit him, and ultimately this is what made me wake up to my situation. How can I say I truly love him if I also feel I want to hurt him? In the end the only loving thing I could do was to leave. I did it out of love for my self and out of love for him.

Jema

[surf_toad (imported)]

Thank you for this window into (part of) your soul, Ulysses. i have always found you to be honest and helpful. Your quest for discovery is both interesting and needed here.

i have been accused of spousal abuse on 2 separate occasions in the last 3 years. Both hurt me deeply. You see there is a lot of abuse in my relationship between my wife and myself, but the abuse is not by me, it is twards me. The pain is intensified by the fact that, if i were convicted of abuse, i would loose my license to practice Respiratory Care and my children (her children) would go hungry. But she is not capable of seeing beyond her own (selfish) need for attention. As an abused woman, the state will take care of her.

in my case, my wife is (diagnosed) Bi-Polar so she does not even realize the abuse that she hates is done by her. As she cannot accept the behavior, she must not be the one doing it, therefore she must be the victem receiving it. This may be true for Claire as well. She may not even realize that what she is doing is abusive, or accept that she is doing it.

i hope Claire gets treatment. it must be hell on her having to live with herself. but more importantly, i hope you find both peace within yourself and the stregnth to care enough about yourself to find a different relationship with mutual love and respect.

i most certainly lact that stregnth myself and for whatever reason, continue with the only relationship i have ever known (for the last 23 years) even though i know it is not good for me. i do this because it is what is best for the kids and the wife. but again, this is my choice. i blame none but myself.

i do love you Ulysses (not LOVE) but the love we all should have for one another.

[Ulysses (imported)]

Thanks for the reply and the honesty Toad.

I thought that you would get something, however small, from the post and hopefully I was not wrong.

By the way .......... why is it that it is the strongest people in this planet continue to tell me about their lack of strength ????????

Toad - You are one of the strongest people I know

Ulysses