How We Identify?
Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2004 1:49 am
The following is a short piece of writing. It relates to my identify and follows some recent conversations on Eunuch Chatroom so may be of interest to some of you ............ There are no revelations here or great pieces of insight but just demonstrates how I identify. If others want to add to this, by articulating how they identify themselves, then please do so ..................
From an early age (certainly by the age of 4) I knew that I wanted to be female. Even today, with the ability of hindsight, I don't know why this was ......... while I wasn't a particularly masculine child, I wasn't effeminate either and my interests were broadly similiar to those of other boys.
At the age of 11, the previously impossible dream of becoming female became something of a reality when I saw a TV documentary regarding a transitioning MtF TS.
From then onwards, I gathered every piece of information that I could find on TS-ism - a much more difficult task than today, due to my age and the lack of electronic communication.
By the age of 18, I was seeing a gender-specialist psychologist and being categorised as "transsexual". This psychologist, however, had a traditional view of TS-ism i.e. that the TS person had 2 alternatives either to transition and live full time in opposite gender to their biological gender or try to stick life out in birth gender.
Despite the desire to transition, I didn't ........... I was too scared - I was the 'blue-eyed boy' who had just being voted as Pupil of the Year in my final year at school due to my academic achievements and was now embarking on a career in law. Furthermore, I did not have the courage to approach the subject to my parents or to face the reaction from my conservative locality.
During the following years, I was on the verge of transitioning on a no. of separate occasions but each time something (i.e. me) always held back.
I had always been attracted only to females. This sometimes caused me great internal conflict because, in entering relationships, I had to keep a core part of my identity hidden, thus almost ensuring that the relationship could not last long-term.
However, in the late 1990s, I genuinely fell head over heels in love and eventually got engaged. For the first time in my life, I tried to hide my TS-ism from, not only others, but from myself as well, trying to convince myself that I could live my live as a "normal" male ..................... this attempt at self-deception was working until I almost lost my life.
How I almost lost my life is a long story and not for these forums but it was a failed assasination attempt ............. ultimately, this made me really question WHO I WAS and to ask myself some of the uneasy, yet fundamental, questions that so many of us live our lives trying to avoid.
Previously, while knowing myself to be TS, if I was honest with myself, I was unsure whether I really wanted to live as a female 100% of the time. After all, I had lived successfully as a male for well over 20 years and could not deny that I had many happy times as a male.
Over a matter of months, I had found a sympathetic psychologist and an endrocrinologist and was soom embarking on a female hormone regime. Laser surgery, to remove facial hair, commenced shortly after.
In 2001, I flew to Bangkok to have GRS. At this stage, I was still not living in a full-time female role and, thus, did not meet the HBSOC requirements. However, after extensive research, I found that many doctors outside of Western Europe and US take a much more "flexible" approach to TS-related surgeries if the patient has sufficient funds .............. this more flexible approach presents both opportunities and risks to TS people.
2 and a half years following GRS, I am still not living my life in a full-time female role and, probably, never will ............. I live the majority of my life in a female role, but continue to live a minority of my life in a male role and am more content today than I have ever been.
I cannot necessarily rationalise this out to myself so would not try to rationalise my thought patterns out to others. I suppose that my TS-ism has always been primarily of the body-dysmorphia type.
Today, I look like a boyish-female or, when in male mode, a very young & effeminate male. Since GRS, I have embarked upon a no. of minor facial surgery operations to ensure I have a relatively feminine face. Each of these operations has been in Bangkok and, following my most recent facial surgery last week, I am now very content with what I see in the mirror.
Do I identify as male or female? Most of the time I feel "female, but sometimes I feel more "male" and, on other occasions, I simply feel "neither". Whilst people may "sympathise" with this type of gender dysmorphia, there is no need ............. for every day I interact with many people who have never had any form of "gender identity disorder" and yet lead unhappy and unfulfilled lives.
I am not a religious person but I firmly belive there is something after this life ............. I only hope that it is as varied as this one as I enjoy this life &, from my perspective, my disability is not my gender identity but my mortality.
Ulysses
From an early age (certainly by the age of 4) I knew that I wanted to be female. Even today, with the ability of hindsight, I don't know why this was ......... while I wasn't a particularly masculine child, I wasn't effeminate either and my interests were broadly similiar to those of other boys.
At the age of 11, the previously impossible dream of becoming female became something of a reality when I saw a TV documentary regarding a transitioning MtF TS.
From then onwards, I gathered every piece of information that I could find on TS-ism - a much more difficult task than today, due to my age and the lack of electronic communication.
By the age of 18, I was seeing a gender-specialist psychologist and being categorised as "transsexual". This psychologist, however, had a traditional view of TS-ism i.e. that the TS person had 2 alternatives either to transition and live full time in opposite gender to their biological gender or try to stick life out in birth gender.
Despite the desire to transition, I didn't ........... I was too scared - I was the 'blue-eyed boy' who had just being voted as Pupil of the Year in my final year at school due to my academic achievements and was now embarking on a career in law. Furthermore, I did not have the courage to approach the subject to my parents or to face the reaction from my conservative locality.
During the following years, I was on the verge of transitioning on a no. of separate occasions but each time something (i.e. me) always held back.
I had always been attracted only to females. This sometimes caused me great internal conflict because, in entering relationships, I had to keep a core part of my identity hidden, thus almost ensuring that the relationship could not last long-term.
However, in the late 1990s, I genuinely fell head over heels in love and eventually got engaged. For the first time in my life, I tried to hide my TS-ism from, not only others, but from myself as well, trying to convince myself that I could live my live as a "normal" male ..................... this attempt at self-deception was working until I almost lost my life.
How I almost lost my life is a long story and not for these forums but it was a failed assasination attempt ............. ultimately, this made me really question WHO I WAS and to ask myself some of the uneasy, yet fundamental, questions that so many of us live our lives trying to avoid.
Previously, while knowing myself to be TS, if I was honest with myself, I was unsure whether I really wanted to live as a female 100% of the time. After all, I had lived successfully as a male for well over 20 years and could not deny that I had many happy times as a male.
Over a matter of months, I had found a sympathetic psychologist and an endrocrinologist and was soom embarking on a female hormone regime. Laser surgery, to remove facial hair, commenced shortly after.
In 2001, I flew to Bangkok to have GRS. At this stage, I was still not living in a full-time female role and, thus, did not meet the HBSOC requirements. However, after extensive research, I found that many doctors outside of Western Europe and US take a much more "flexible" approach to TS-related surgeries if the patient has sufficient funds .............. this more flexible approach presents both opportunities and risks to TS people.
2 and a half years following GRS, I am still not living my life in a full-time female role and, probably, never will ............. I live the majority of my life in a female role, but continue to live a minority of my life in a male role and am more content today than I have ever been.
I cannot necessarily rationalise this out to myself so would not try to rationalise my thought patterns out to others. I suppose that my TS-ism has always been primarily of the body-dysmorphia type.
Today, I look like a boyish-female or, when in male mode, a very young & effeminate male. Since GRS, I have embarked upon a no. of minor facial surgery operations to ensure I have a relatively feminine face. Each of these operations has been in Bangkok and, following my most recent facial surgery last week, I am now very content with what I see in the mirror.
Do I identify as male or female? Most of the time I feel "female, but sometimes I feel more "male" and, on other occasions, I simply feel "neither". Whilst people may "sympathise" with this type of gender dysmorphia, there is no need ............. for every day I interact with many people who have never had any form of "gender identity disorder" and yet lead unhappy and unfulfilled lives.
I am not a religious person but I firmly belive there is something after this life ............. I only hope that it is as varied as this one as I enjoy this life &, from my perspective, my disability is not my gender identity but my mortality.
Ulysses
A-1 