Senior Moments

[Studlover (imported)]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice

in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the

papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,

"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know

he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity

to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They

were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave

came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and

couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the

promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the

bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her

butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out

when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket They

hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is

actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a

ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying

out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband

cries out:

"Watch that wall!"

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park

bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me

every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage,

fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies

and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my

favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years

they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their

activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,

"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but

I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't

remember it. Please tell me what your name is"

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared

and glared at her. Finally she said

, "How soon do you need to know?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 ...

oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who

they are!

Then something is supposed to happen . . . I think.