Recently the Eunuch Archive has been developing in very valuable ways. When I first discovered this group, the fantasy aspects seemed to make up nearly all of it. However, reality has begun to set in with the development of serious discussion on the realities of castration, both positive and negative. .

Andrew’s health guidelines are a critical part of this trend, but there have been a number of other threads discussing the pros and cons of various issues. Certainly there are some here for whom castration is beneficial. There are others for whom it could be disastrous – depression, suicide attempts, etc. There are yet others who would fall between these points.

I have decided to begin this thread purely as a set of links to existing (and future) threads on the rest of the Archive that provide solid information to help individuals make their own decisions. I may also include an occasional link to valuable information found outside the bounds of the Eunuch Archive.

All Archive members are invited to suggest links that they think should be here.

The FIRST link is to Andrew’s invaluable health notes. I will try to update this link regularly so that it is to the latest version: The Health Effects of Castration (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=4608)

Since so much of the fiction on the Story Board is fantasies extolling the virtues of castration, I think that there needs to be a link to two very powerful stories giving the opposite view. Both are linked from an existing thread that discusses them, as well as providing a link to Dr. Richard Wassersug’s valuable article in Out Magazine. The thread is named after one of the pieces of fiction: A Warning to Others (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=4577).

The thread Castration + or – (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=4515) includes far more negatives than positives, but it raises real issues that need to be read and thought about by anyone here who is considering castration.

Please suggest any additional threads on the Eunuch Archive and any locations outside the Archive that you think would be useful to provide a balanced view.

Excellent idea.

Little is actually known, scientifically, medically about the long-term consequences of castration. It’s amazing how little real research was done in the late nineteenth and first half of the twentieth centuries when men (and boys) were being castrated for eugenic and/or judicial reasons.

For example, Dr. Everett Flood, in his article, Notes on the Castration of Idiot Children (American Journal of Psychology, vol. 10 (1899), pp. 296–301), describes the castration of twenty-four boys (thirteen of them aged fourteen or younger) in order to prevent their chronic masturbation. He notes that the procedure was totally successful in all but one of the cases – the one boy continued to masturbate occasionally. As a result of the successful therapeutic outcome of their castrations, six of the boys could even be released from the Michigan Home for the Feeble-Minded and Epileptic into the care of their families. They suffered from epilepsy, not low intelligence! I have done extensive searching, and can find NO follow-up on what happened to any of the boys. They seemed to be of no scientific or medical interest once their testicles had been removed.

Much of what little we do know is based on brief (and mostly not well conceived) studies of the Skoptzy in Russia and Romania, and the eunuchs of the Ottoman and Chinese courts. They were mostly studied as curiosities by voyeurs, and not by trained doctors or scientists.

A recent attempt to pull together some of the best of this literature has been published by two medical researchers. It is titled Long-Term Consequences of Castration in Men: Lessons from the Skoptzy and the Eunuchs of the Chinese and Ottoman Courts by Jean D. Wilson and Claus Roehrborn. It was published in The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology & Metabolism Vol. 84 (1999), No. 12, pp. 4324-4331. Since it includes charts and illustrations that could not be posted on the archive, a link to the original article (available in PDF format) is HERE (http://jcem.endojournals.org/cgi/conten ... 84/12/4324).

An interesting pamphlet that provides a small amount of information is Effects of Castration on Men and Women: Accidental, Voluntary and Involuntary Castration; Eunuchism and History - Medical Treatment and Aspects, by D.O. Cauldwell, M.D., Sc.D. (Girard, KS: Haldeman-Julius Publications, 1947), 32pp. The pamphlet is listed as number 536 in an on-going series. The advertisement in the back for another in the series is for “Scientific Humanism”, by E. Haldeman-Julius. I have not yet been able to discover what the entire series was about, but it seems to be aimed at the general public. “Effects of Castration” is written at an eighth grade reading level and it was clearly NOT intended for physicians (though maybe for their patients). One aspect that I found interesting was that Caldwell thought that voluntary castration ought to be readily available anywhere in the U.S. to anyone who wanted it.

The chapters of the pamphlet are posted as separate items on the Archive. I recently added links to all of the rest of the chapters from Chapter 1

JesusA (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 05, 2004 9:55 pm (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=

124).

Any additional references that readers may have will be gratefully accepted and posted to this thread.

Skoptic Syndrome

Psychiatrists, in their great “wisdom” have described, what they call, Skoptic Syndrome, the desire for self-castration. One article that I have run across that is much more useful than its title would indicate is Orchidectomy as a preliminary procedure prior to gender reassignment surgery (http://www.gender.org.uk/conf/1994/reid94.htm).

The article is far more positive than most I have seen in the academic literature. I especially appreciate the last sentence, dealing with those who desire castration. Perhaps it is to poets they should go for counsel, rather than psychiatrists.

I’ve been trying to think of ways to make the Eunuch Archive more useful to its many readers. This thread has been one such attempt – balanced information on the positive and negative aspects of castration for those who are contemplating it.

One addition I would like to make to this thread is some first person accounts, with all of the pluses and minuses included. I’d like to have some volunteers write about their experiences. I’d like to have some who are completely satisfied with the results and some who regret their decision. I would like as wide a range as possible so that readers can better see what might happen.

When I recently reread the thread that Philip1 began five months ago, becoming a eunuch

JesusA (imported) wrote: Mon Jan 05, 2004 9:55 pm (http://www.eunuch.org/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=

5764), I knew that I had my first personal account.

Phil began his first post with I am to be castrated this Labor Day weekend. I plan on writing a blog of sorts highlighting my experiences becoming Asexual and the effects it has on my body and mind.

There was an exchange of information and ideas for the month before the actual surgery, showing an intelligent and thoughtful person behind that first post and some valuable questions and information from other Archive members.

There was a description of the actual castration experience that was both informative and painful to read (though certainly not as painful as what Phil experienced).

The crash of depression as his system came down off its testosterone was covered, though not as well as I would have hoped.

Finally, there was the kind of warning to get all possible information before acting that I hope everyone here would follow: To those who think it would be neat or cool to get this done, it is not something you should do without long and deep considderation. It is not fun and the recovery can be long and painfull. DO NOT GO INTO THIS FOR THE PAIN IT ISN'T WORTH IT. Even though I am happy with the results I do not recommend this to anyone unless they have thought about it for a long time and have considered the consequences of such a decision.

This is information of permanent value, and I asked Phil to write a longer version for this thread. Here is his response:

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is my story as requested by Jesus

Phil

I was born to a middle class American family. My parents were happy to have another boy, their second. My early childhood was rough with a bout of meningitis when I was just two months old. By the time I reached kindergarten I knew I was different from other boys but I didn't know why. At age 8 I reached an epiphany, I realized I didn't want to be a boy or a girl; I was a eunuch inside even though i didn't know the word at the time. This caused all sorts of emotional and behavioral problems during my formative years.

In Middle school I came to the conclusion that the things I was borne with that identified me as a boy didn't fit on my body and I started a near twenty year slide into depression about my being wrongly equipped.

By the time I was twenty I knew I had to do something or I would become suicidal. That is when I started researching castration. This research continued ten more years until I located someone who would help me.

At age 31, on September 3, 2004, I drove north three hours to meet this person. I knew this HAD TO BE. After my return I wrote this in the EA bulletin boards.:

"I am back. Well most of me is. Unfortunately, more than I planned came home.

It turns out that my kink MD. was more of a cutter than a doc as he couldn't get any injectable anesthetic and Vicodin is a post trauma pain reliever. So I had to decide whether to go ahead or not. To my shock, I said "GO". I gave a pain scale of 1 to 10 and the cutting began.

When he cut open my scrotum it hurt like an 8.5-9 pain level. But, that went away then he started on the membranes. (Btw, he was very carefull and kept everything sterile. I was impressed with that). They hit a 9-9.5. No biggie; no screaming. But I had to rest between cuts. It got real bad when he actually got to the testis. They really don't like to have air on them. The pain swelled from a 5 to about 9 and back.

This took about an hour and a half because I had to regain my composure and relax so I wouldn’t suddenly move and hurt him and myself. The second half took a bit less time. I will reiterate, GET INJECTABLE ANESTHETIC !!!!!

He clamped the cord and the pain level soared right off my scale to oh 20 or so. But once the clamp was on, it died off quickly. Say in fifteen minutes or so. Then he, rather than suturing and cutting, which he said is more prone to bleeding, he crushed the cord and then severed the testis. The pain at the moment of crushing hit the roof I'd say 30 or more on the 1 to 10 scale.

He sutured me up and washed me up. I had only one removed because I couldn't handle that much pain again. He followed up the next morning. I had almost no pain, just a slight ache in the abdomen. I kept ice on during the whole day after the operation. I haven’t seen any brusing yet, but I am expecting to be black and blue in the next few days. All in all, he was good, gentle and carefull. He was patient as well, waiting as much as a half hour while I calmed down. If I had xylocane to inject, I would have had him finish but without NO WAY!! I thank him for this and appreciate his effort to help me."

The healing process was fast thanks to the cutter’s sterility and my tough and fast healing body.

Five weeks after I had returned from my trip I had a huge emotional crash, a testosterone withdrawal swing. From what I have heard, there were many people whom I know who were very scared for my wellbeing. I am gratefull for their concern and caring.

Shortly after the crash, I started taking Androcur to help with my mood swings and it has helped a lot. But, I thought I would be fine on 50mg instead of the 100mg I started out on. I slipped into a pretty deep depression and became almost suicidal. A good slapping arround by a friend helped me figure out that I needed to be on 100mg dosing. Now that I am on the 100mg dose my emotional state is much more stable.

If some one ever asks me if I regret getting castrated, I will answer yes, I regret that I didn't do it twenty years ago.

Phil

Here is a second first-person account of castration and life as a eunuch. It was written, at my request, by one of the Archive members whom I have met and talked with. He has asked to remain anonymous, though he was willing for his story to be told.

_______________

My Castration Story

It is interesting that I have never liked my testicles and what they did to me (in terms of pubertal and secondary sexual changes), but that I also thoroughly enjoyed what they enabled me to do.

I can remember back to when I was entering puberty – I wasn’t particularly alarmed that my testicles and penis were getting larger, although I did not like the secondary hair growth. But the changes did make me acutely uncomfortable in many ways, physically, socially, and psychologically.

I did not like that my penis would get hard all the time (seemingly), that my pants would not fit well, that my underwear would “bind” up, that I was always trying to shift “things” to a more comfortable position, and so on. Add to that the embarrassment of being teased and harassed about such things by peers, never mind that they were probably experiencing many of the same things. Additionally, I distinctly remember a teacher taking me aside, and asking me if I understood what was going on, if I needed questions answered, all very embarrassing.

Of course, about this time, we were beginning to get all the sex-education information, notably from a very “biological” point of view – we had fairly a “liberal” bishop at our Catholic school. I distinctly remember learning that my balls were causing all the trouble – discomfort, embarrassment, etc., through the production of testosterone.

I came to the obvious conclusion that I would like my balls to be gone – it would stop all the problems, and no one would tease me anymore.

Around this same time, I also became much more aware that I was not the least interested in girls, unlike the other boys. In fact, I found that my friend D**** was very attractive. But, I also knew that I probably shouldn’t say anything about it, since everyone else seemed to be interested in girls. I would get very aroused when looking at or thinking about D****. This would be very exciting, yet embarrassing; I never knew what to do about it, or how far I could take it, what I could say or do.

Finally, at one point, I did say something of my interest to D****. Predictably, there was a backlash – I was called a “faggot,” teased and harassed mercilessly, shunned and abused. My feelings and thoughts brought me back to the same conclusion I had reached once before. If I didn’t have any balls, I wouldn’t feel this way, and I wouldn’t get hurt. For a while I became somewhat suicidal, making a few half-hearted attempts at it.

It was not an uncommon occurrence around this time that I would masturbate – what boy that age doesn’t begin to explore such things? I would also think about not having any balls, at the same time. Interestingly, though, I never achieved an orgasm until I was about sixteen years old – I simply experienced pleasure in fondling and handling myself, thinking about other boys, and not having any balls.

I began to explore sex, to explore my physical needs. For the most part it was frustrating and unsatisfying (not an uncommon thing at that age). I occasionally engaged in anal sex with others, usually young men several years older than I. I enjoyed their contact, company, and the physical pleasure. I was never called upon to use my penis – I was strictly a bottom (to put it nicely). The usefulness of balls in sex was never part of my experience through that time.

I began often to think about how I could get my balls cut off. I would frequently play at it, tying them off with string and rubber bands. I would occasionally shave off my public hair in an effort to reverse what was going on. Of course, some of my “boyfriends” thought it was cute, but it caused merciless teasing from my brother, five months my elder (I was the adopted child – blond, not red-headed, in this case).

Losing my nuts was always in the back of my mind; I don’t think the concept ever really vacated my notions or feelings. At the same time, I became very sexual, frequently engaging in anonymous sex. As I got older I would frequent the bathhouses and bars – they were quite adequate to meeting physical sexual needs at that time. About the time I was 21 years old, all of that would change.

I had met another young man, albeit underage – I was 21; he was 16. We became involved; I fell in love. All things were good, fun, happy, and wonderful for about 2-3 months. About that time, A***** decided that he would try his hand at blackmail. He threatened me with police and jail, unless I started to give him money. Being a student, this was hardly practical, of course. What he didn’t count upon was my anger and rage.

I reacted to his threats with violence – I beat him up, and then “gave him something to remember me by.” I raped him. I have often had the thought that on the one hand, he deserved it, and on the other, this was the most despicable thing I could have done. I thought that I deserved castration as a punishment for what I had done – I surely would never do that again if I were to be deprived of my balls.

I was back at the same old conclusion. But what to do about it? I had no idea. Essentially, I maundered and meandered on for quite a few years. I never liked myself much – not only was I a faggot, I was a rapist. But I did like sex, and continued to engage in it – almost exclusively as a “bottom.” I just couldn’t be a “top” – that would mean using what I had come to hate – my nuts. (I did try a few times, but to little avail – usually ending up frustrated, and occasionally ridiculed by whomever I was with.)

I frequently thought about not having nuts, though not in the sense of being “castrated,” – just not having nuts –I never connected the two concepts. I would masturbate with the idea in mind. I would daydream about it. I would believe that I deserved it. This just continued on for years.

Along about 1996 or 1997 – who can remember these things precisely – I became connected. I had acquired Internet. A roommate had turned me on to it. Somewhere in those earlier years of Internet, I did a topical search on the subject of castration. I found a bit of information. As the Internet grew, so did my interest. I would frequently do searches, often finding newer and more varied sites.

Eventually, I ran into a site called USCCCN. While it was disgusting, frightening, and condemning, it also provided a sense of solace – they knew what I felt, agreed with what I thought. They also would refer me to a doctor who could do what I wanted. About the same time, I came across a newsgroup called alt.eunuchs.questions which answered many of my questions, allowed me to ask more of them, and allowed me to contact others who were similarly inclined, whatever their reason.

I was becoming more and more obsessed with castration, and the need to have it done to me. I made contact with someone on the alt. board, and he agreed to castrate me using a Burdizzo tool. We met; he used the tool on me, with my full consent and agreement. The process did not work, although some damage was done, and my serum testosterone levels did decline (I had them tested). As a result I was put off – from the action, not the thought.

I bided my time for about two years. I did a great deal of research, reading, thinking, masturbating, and fantasizing. Never mind obsessing. I came to the conclusion that we had used the Burdizzo tool incorrectly, that we needed to use it multiple times, more violently, and for longer periods of time. I called my prior acquaintance, and arranged for a replay. We met, we replayed – and I came away severely injured, in great pain for about 2-3 weeks after.

By this time I was so obsessed with being castrated, that whatever the result of my second encounter with the Burdizzo was, it just wasn’t going to be enough. There was severe damage done, but not enough, I thought. I never truly gave the Burdizzo activity enough time to possibly have full effect. I had saved enough money to see Dr. Spector, whom I had found out about via alt.eunuchs.questions and that disgusting place called USCCCN. (I had previously been in contact with him – at that time his price was $400. Later it was $900. At one point he called me, soliciting business, offering to do it for $400 – but I could not manage it. By the time I got to him, the cost was $1300. By this time, I was able to manage the cost.) I flew out to visit Dr. Spector about three months after my second Burdizzo experience – I wasn’t going to wait to see if the Burdizzo worked the second time.

Unfortunately, Dr. Spector was by this time an infirm and forgetful Octogenarian (he was in his mid-80’s). He did not do the surgery properly. Although he did successfully castrate me (19 June 2000), he failed to suture a blood vessel, and I nearly bleed to death. I ended up in emergency ICU for three days, and underwent two additional surgeries to correct the problems. Fortunately, he no longer does surgery.

Notwithstanding my obsession, extensive research, soul searching, and preparedness, I was not really prepared for what followed from my castration. I fell into a psychotic depression. I cannot emphasize enough how severe this depression was. While I was not hospitalized for this, I probably should have been.

I fail to understand how I managed my business (quite extensive at that time), or was able to function through that time. I underwent extensive therapy – both drug and psychological. It took about 2-3 years to recover and regain reasonable rationality, and do so without medicines.

I had thought I was ready for what I did. But no matter how “ready,” reality often has a way of changing things. My “de-manning” was devastating. The loss was incalculable, and had wide-ranging social, psychological, and other effects, some of which I still try to cope with (albeit poorly at times) today.

Over the past few years I have had occasion to experiment with my testosterone levels. My doctors insisted upon replacement hormone therapy at first, and I acquiesced. Later, I varied the levels of hormone, once it was within my control. My original serum testosterone levels averaged about 800 (scale of 200-1000 – don’t ask me the detailed measures). The replacement level the doctors put me on left me at about 350. I experienced extensive withdrawal, including heat flashes, etc., even with the HRT

I have varied my testosterone levels from none at all, to very minimal doses, to full doses at the 350 level, to double that. Frankly, I find that I am comfortable at all of the levels, and that none really bother me. I suspect that much of this is due to the fact that my now “normal” level averages 350, and I am adjusted well below what would be my natural levels. I occasionally miss the opportunity to masturbate without any testosterone, but not for long. I no longer seem to have the hot flashes, and routinely vary my HRT levels from 0 to 700, most often staying in the 350 level, depending upon my mood and inclination. Most often I use 1 packet (5 grams) of Androgel (Testoderm outside of the USA), which leaves me at 350 average.

Do I regret being castrated? Yes and no. I miss sexual relationships, even just physical, and fear ridicule and rejection because of being castrated. This, despite the fact that my family and most all of my friends, and a number of others, are well aware that I have been castrated (they don’t all know WHY). Other times, I like the fact. I simply like the absence of my testicles, though I do not like the impact of castration – the lack of testosterone (or adequate testosterone). I like it, don’t regret it, and regret the hell out of it. I often think that it should have been done long ago. Yet, how I would have handled it any differently then, than now, I haven’t really any idea. Maybe with less experience, the impact would have been different – I can only speculate.

I enjoy the feeling of not having those things hanging between my legs, although I do now wish the sac were gone. It is especially bothersome during the summer months – perspiration makes it stick to one’s leg, an uncomfortable thing. At the same time, I do miss sexual encounters, and often fear attempting to initiate them for fear of inadequacy, although if I were partnered with another eunuch (or someone else to whom it didn’t matter), the sex thing perhaps might not be an issue.

Most of the time I function with a testosterone level of around 350, occasionally dropping to next to nothing. Once in awhile, when I feel the need for some sexual pleasure (i.e., masturbation), I increase my levels of testosterone for a few days, and then drop back again. I no longer seem to experience the hot flashes I once did. I don’t seem to be experiencing any muscle loss or similar effects, although I am quite active physically. I do frequently wrestle with over-weight issues – a combination, I suppose, of age, testosterone, love of sweets and carbs, and so on. I haven’t had any bone scans done, so I don’t know about bone loss issues – one of these days I’ll have to attend to that.

Overall, am I satisfied? Maybe 60% (at least, maybe more) yes – more from the perspective of esthetic desire to remove the testicles; to a lesser extent, removal of testosterone – and 40% (maybe less), regret over the loss of functional sexuality and fear of it, due to ridicule or embarrassment. Even these numbers are purely speculative, and can change weekly.

My attitude, opinions, beliefs – I feel that castration (and penectomy) should be more readily available. I believe this should be a matter of free-will choice, not an issue of bias, fear, stereotype, or whatever. Education of health professionals, together with extensive scientifically based research to support it, will eventually bring a few more medical professionals around, I suspect. Even so, it is a thing which must be approached with an extreme of caution and forethought.

In some respects, I find that certain men are actually more appealing, sexually and otherwise, when castrated – the whole notion appeals to me, strongly, in several respects. There are, of course, - again, opinion - those who should be removed from the gene pool, and some who should be allowed to remove themselves. This is not for everybody, or even many, but those few to whom it is important, it needs to be available, with great care, concern, caution, and hesitance.

JeffEunuch has provided another well-written first person account for inclusion here. While his experience is probably close to unique, there are aspects of it that should prove useful to anyone else who is contemplating castration and its consequences.

_______________

Being Without Balls

I was castrated five years ago. It's a decision I don't think I'll ever regret. How did I come to make the decision to be castrated? More likely than others, my road to balllessness probably began at birth. I was finally told in my mid-20s by a renowned head of the large university hospital's urology department where I was attending at graduate school that I had a congenital defect: my tight balls were unusually so and I'd eventually be experiencing increasingly greater pain and discomfort that could only be remedied by castration. He also told me that I could nevertheless learn to live with the discomfort.

While his prognosis came as a shock, it also explained my life-long problem with hernias. I had simply emerged from my mother's womb incompletely developed in the abdominal area. In addition to both the upper and inguinal abdominal muscles not being completely developed, the cords connecting my testicles to the inguinal canals were also not developed. There is little doubt that my knowledge of my physiological defects eventually influenced my decision to be gelded. This background may also contribute to my extreme satisfaction with being ballless. I'm also free of the pain associated with my balls. My own experience, though not entirely unique, is informed by more than body dysmorphia, transgenderism, intense libido or the other influences that may motivate other guys to seek to lose their balls. For this reason alone, I seldom extend advice to those desiring to be castrated. Of course, I'm not alone in being satisfied that I no longer have anything hanging between my legs. I no longer ever experience discomfort there, and my balls are no longer ever in the way of physical activity - or sex. I also enjoy fondling of the underside of the base of my cock where the balls used to be attached in a way I could never experience when I still had them. I've discovered a whole new erogenous area.

What in my younger years may have predisposed me to wanting to be gelded? Very little, I think. Like a lot o' gay men, I was different. I was small, and I was a sissy - never liked fighting. I had no appetite for athleticism - quite a contrast with now. As an avid student, I earned straight A's - never anything else. Life within my nuclear family was lonely. My father succumbed suddenly when I was 4 y.o. Although she managed to raise my only brother and I, my mother seemed to have died spiritually as a result. The larger family life was more embracing. My mother's parents and uncles and aunts from both sides of the family tried to compensate for what my mother could not do. The most momentous event for me was likely the massive inguinal hernia experienced at age 12. A lot o' intestine invaded my scrotum, blossoming to the size of a large melon overnight and requiring immediate corrective surgery. My memory is dim, but I do recall visiting the doc 2 weeks later for removal of the sutures when he said he'd had to remove the inner sac and wasn't sure the testicle would live? The event ruined a pubescent boy's whole summer and left me with this 4" surgical scar that hardly anyone else other than me ever notices. Being studious paid off at age 17.

I was off to Harvard on a full scholarship and back to my childhood home (we'd moved from Boston to Quebec when I was 7 y.o.). While I continued to visit 2-3x a year, I'd flown the parental nest. An aunt once told me she'd never seen a kid leave home so anxiously. The times were the 1960s, the most liberating for modern humans, and I was definitely up to new experiences. I went from being a member of the Irish minority in a backward province to a full-fledged citizen of a great, future-looking country led by JFK (also a Harvard man). I blossomed sexually, more specifically bisexually. On the one hand, this virgin dated women, but not too much. On the other, I enjoyed sexual experiences with other men in Harvard's Yard. I fully experienced the political revolution of the 1960s.

Following the empowerment that came from working with the 40% of Democrats of French origins and helping reform-minded Democrats defeat Lyndon Johnson in NH state, I even ended up dropping out o' Harvard for a year to travel from one European revolution to another. I was in Ireland just as the IRA renewed its terrorist phase, in Stockholm to see Olav Palme elected to lead the Social Democrats, in Paris to celebrate the fall of Charles DeGualle (I'd had the displeasure of hearing him utter the words, "Vive de Quebec" from Montreal's Hotel de Ville and then being received while a summer intern at the Univerite de Montreal), visited with Danny the Red in Berlin and graciously accepted a ride from a Russian general to the Austrian frontier when the Russians invaded Prague, putting an end to Sandy Dubcek's revolution there. I returned physically to Harvard, but not for long.

The next phase of my life was the family one. I went to Ottawa to take a job in the office of the new PM Pierre Trudeau. I also ended up eventually marrying into a conventional relationship that would allow me to both sire the children I wanted and continue my unconventional sexuality. My wife liked gay men as much as I did. While most of our relationships with gay guys were purely social, the most satisfactory involved sex - threesomes. Nonetheless and while there are women I think I could've lived satisfactorily, married life was not agreeable. I left my spouse when our son was 4 y.o. For various reasons I ended up suing for custody of our children. While I may have been the first gay man in Ontario to win custody of his children, it wasn't a gay victory if only because neither sexuality nor my home nudity were allowed by the court to become issues.

It was during these years that I began thinking more and more of castration. I don't think I'll ever know to what extent a doc's prognosis of testicular pain or that there was discomfort from the tightness of the balls were the motivating variables? They were, but so was the eroticism of losing those orbs between my legs.

Because my ex had never stopped harassing me even after I had permanent child custody and my job frequently put me before the public, I thought more and more of leaving Ontario for western Canada. My connexions were good enough to secure an offer at a university away from the public eye. Thus began my journey to Vancouver. While I had been mostly closeted in Ontario, I gradually came out fully as gay. By the mid-1990s, I was fully out.

I also began surfing the net, only to discover I wasn't so wierd for thinking about castration. However, the thoughts might have remained a sexual fantasy except that I was also diagnosed as hypogonadic and began receiving testosterone injections. The pain prognosis received in my mid-20s also manifest itself, and my testes also spent increasingly longer periods of time in my inguinal canals. I had to convince several lovers that I had balls, but that they ascended into the inguinal cavities when I was sexually aroused. At other times, I had to caution sex partners that they were too sensitive to be touched in any event (tight balls also meant numerous infections, and the scar tissue eventually grew). Middle aged weight gain motivated me to more actively address ageing and health. I returned to the recreational running I'd done in my younger years and was prevented from completing a couple of runs when the testicle that traveled the most went over 6" into the abdominal cavity, causing excruciating pain. My web searches gradually convinced me that I should consider castration for myself. I consulted a couple of docs and even went to a psychiatrist specializing in sexual issues to make sure I wasn't crazy for having the desires I did. While the docs I consulted questioned my desire, I finally arrived at the conclusion that castration would likely have few negative consequences. I was already receiving testosterone injections. I had no intention of siring more kids. My balls didn't hang when I was sexually aroused in any event. I'd be rid of the dull ache and often greater discomfort in my crotch. I frequent clothing-optional beaches and locker rooms, but gradually concluded that I'd still be OK with being nude in public without balls even though the most I'd ever personally seen was guys with only one.

The next hurdle was how to achieve my objective? While the urologist that'd delivered the prognosis many years previously seemed to imply that painful balls - at least somewhere down the road - were an adequate reason for being castrated, standards of medical care seemed to have changed in the intervening 30 years. One doc told me that the availability of anti-androgens had made castration even for those with prostate cancer a thing of the past. I learned from my initial inquiries locally that at least one urologist might undertake the surgery. However, other medical professionals seemed unwilling to supply their identity. My choices seemed to be two: a surgeon in Philadelphia or Tihuana; or a 'cutter' in the informal sector. Dr. Spector was certainly willing to perform the surgery. Before deciding to go there, I decided to see if there was anyone closer to home that could perform the procedure. Several self-proclaimed cutters that I contacted by e-mail and telephone weren't reassuring enough.

Then I happened onto a vet's assistant 240 km away in Seattle. He 'd done a couple of hundred domestic animals. I drove to Seattle and met him and was favourably impressed. He was confident enough that he was willing to do the procedure in his own apartment. He was agreeable to several friends being on hand to help and to witness my castration. The latter meant a lot to me. I decided to proceed. The scene was everything I wanted. Having worked with a veterinarian, the cutter was fanatical about a sterile theatre. While the short cords connecting the testicles to my body added immensely to the time required, the procedure went smoothly. As requested, he allowed me to cut off the last testicle after the cord had been tied off and the blood flow stopped. I was about as hard as I've ever been as I took the surgical scissors in hand to cut it off. Their condition also confirmed the wisdom of my decision to lose my balls. The left one was wrinkled and dead and about the ugliest thing I'd ever seen. The right one was severely infected at the time it was severed.

Recovery was by the text book. I took a painkiller after the local anesthetic wore off. The procedure was traumatic enough that I immediately nodded off to sleep. I was fine, but hungry, when I awoke a few hours later and drove the cutter and myself to a restaurant. I stayed overnight with him, but as hoped, felt good enough to drive the 240 km back to Vancouver the next afternoon. While I'd been planning to rest and take a few days from work, urgent matters required my presence. I managed to go into work the next morning and then for the rest of the week. The bruising and swelling of the genitals that happens as a result of tying off the testicular cords began to subside by about the Thursday afterward - 5 days. I was mostly healed with the wounds closed and no longer seeping at the end of two weeks, and by the end of three weeks, I was 100% recovered except for being ballless.

I've never regretted the decision, even the part about being castrated by a cutter. I attribute the speedy recovery in part to the very small incisions that he made in the scrotum - plus the considerable skill in excising and expressing the testes from the sac that took only about 15 minutes a side.

I've followed through on my resolve to continue life as if nothing ever happened. There's no way to exaggerate the comfort that comes from being ballless. I continue to be nude socially - around home, saunas and locker rooms, clothing-optional beaches, dancing at gay venues, etc. While I continue to participate in the EA, I don't think of my self as a eunuch - just a guy without balls. I have a life partner who thinks I look great without balls and am sexually active outside that relationship as well. Hardly anyone has ever said anything. I went to San Francisco's Folsom Street (leather) Fair in October 2003. In addition to the thrill of going about the South of Market neighbourhood nude the entire day, I received no end of compliments on how kewl I looked. No regrets.

This being said, I'm ever mindful that there were extenuating circumstances around my decision to be castrated. I was also destined to be receiving testosterone supplements most of the rest of my life in any event. The only advice I might often give to others is that balls are not essential for a full life, but that one shouldn't proceed even if there's a seed of doubt.

__________________

JeffEunuch

Hey Jeff. Thank you for sharing your story. I read it with a lot of compassion. I've had some similar issues. I don't know if you ever read one of my posts but I had both testicles stretched in a bike accident when I was 14. I had surgury the next day but they were terribly damaged. Now at age 47 they get infected very easily if they get squeezed or bumped. Even sleeping sometimes stretches them and they hurt for days. I've been on testosterone since I was 19 because without it I get very unhealthy (my weight at 6'2" was 120 before test). I'm an athlete and I weigh about 240 at 10-12% body fat. So I'm really worried that if I get castrated (as my urologist has been advising for years) and at some point I don't get my shots (say if I'm hospitalized and some dumb doctor thinks it is contraindicated or just not important) that I will deteriorate and maybe die. But the truth is that my balls don't make much T anyway (they support a total T of 54-89). So I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am. I think I'm also self-conscious of other men seeing me in the locker room with an empty scrotum and I don't want implants.

My testicles often get pushed up when I'm sleeping and stay there overnight. I wake up with a lot of pain that lasts all day. I'm getting really tired of all the issues. I'm glad to hear you have no regrets. I've got a new urologist who is female. I haven't visited her yet but my old urologist said she will talk me out of my balls pretty quick. I'll post after I visit her.

So thanks. It really means a lot to me to know I'm not the only person in the world who's gone through this.

DocT

Another very important member of the Eunuch Archive community is IEunuch. His experiences are more common than the general set of posts on the Archive would seem to indicate. Most whose reactions are like his simply disappear from sight. Some really do commit suicide – one of my best students did, and he is the reason that I first came here.

While castration may be an ideal solution for some, it is not a panacea for all.

For some, it may turn into a complete disaster.

IEunuch’s is a very important essay. It needs to be read and considered carefully by anyone contemplating castration.

I know that it was very painful for him to write all of this, and I thank him for his efforts to inform others of the range of possible reactions.

JesusA (imported) wrote: Fri Dec 31, 2004 3:12 pm ------------------------------------------------------------------------

As requested...

I've been asked to provide my side, my view, of the consequences of castration.

This isn't going to be like the other posts in this thread. This isn't the happy, shiny true story wrapped up in a 'happily ever after'. I can't even honestly say I'd do it again, or it was a good idea to begin with. About the only positive I can offer is that what I have, and continue to, go through isn't the worst outcome out there. That honour goes to several people who are no longer living.

Anyone who has talked to me for any length of time in the chat room knows how much I stress the downsides of castration. I found I was typing the list so often, I set up a macro for it. The other macro I have contains a link to one of the stories in the archive. "A Warning to Others" ( http://www.eunuch.org/Alpha/W/ea_191155a_warnin.htm) is the title, and I feel it stands alone, unique among the tales of fiction. Why? It's true. Absolutely and completely, 100% true. How do I know? I wrote it. My friends on this board will agree that 80% of it happened to me personally. The other 20%, including the ending, is split between two other people, one of whom did take his own life.

What has my life been like since my castration? What effects have I noticed?

- Since very shortly after my castration, my mood has gone downhill. Depression has set in full force, at levels I wouldn't have believed a few years ago. Plus, even without HRT, my stress, anger, and general frustration levels are FAR higher than they were pre-castration. Medications have been tried. A lot of medications have been tried. None have had any effect to date.

- I've gained a fair amount of weight, and had my energy levels sink to near-zero.

- A little over two years ago, at the age of 29, I was diagnosed with osteoporosis. Let me make this perfectly clear. I had been a eunuch for only 4 years at that point. Now, thanks to the castration, I face a lifetime of medication to try to keep my bone density levels within 'normal' levels. If I don't take them, I risk breaking hips, arms, legs, bones of all kinds. I also risk growing shorter, and developing a hump on my back. Ever see little old ladies that seem hunched over? Swear that your grandma gets shorter every time you see her? That's osteoporosis, in both cases.

- I've lost more than my share of friends, people that I thought I could trust, because the whole idea of castration was too much for them. Now before you open your mouth to spew some platituide like 'If they were really your friends...' or 'You're better off without them...', think long and hard about the people around you. Outside of those who hang out on the EA, I guarantee you'll get a cooler reception than you think you will. Plus at least some of you will have friends who, when told, will take it upon themselves to 'warn' everyone else about your castration.

- I lost a relationship. She was right there with me, stood (metaphorically) beside me, agreed this was a good step for me to take. After it happened though, things quickly changed. And not for the better. It seems having a partner with absolutely zero interest in sex wasn't quite what she thought it would be. Not to mention the mood swings and assorted other problems that crept up.

While I have the chance, I'd like to mention a final few things to you.

We don't know the complete list of side effects. In the last few months, we've seen evidence that there is a link between low testosterone levels and diabetes. This will likely not be the last consequence to be unveiled. Testosterone is a very powerful hormone. In all likelihood it has a role to play in every single system in your body. Don't underestimate it.

Do not assume that castration will in any way extend your lifespan. Historical studies of castrati do not apply to you. They were children cut BEFORE puberty, while you are well past that time. Castration will in no way return you to a pre-pubertal state, any more than menopause turns women into young girls again. Some things cannot be undone.

Do not assume you will inherit this so-called 'eunuch calm'. Anger, frustration, rage and stress are more than just a product of testosterone. They are a product of your personality, and your neural wiring as well. It is likely that as many eunuchs fail to achieve this calm as manage to find it.

Do not assume you will still want to be a sub, bottom, slave, or whatever. Such activities are part of sex, and sexual feeling. You may still want to hold someone, or be held, but that is a far cry from actively wishing to please some one else sexually. And frankly, when the idea of sex becomes as attractive as taxes, chances are your partner will notice and lose interest.

Do not assume that you are in any way protected from side efects of this magnitude. Do not assume they will never happen to you, or that they are a reflection of any defects of character or purpose I hold. Every person who makes the decision to become a eunuch, for whatever reason, risks any or all of this, and more.

To be more blunt, you do not know the future. You do not know how your eunuchdom will unfold. If you did possess such amazing oracular powers, you would be winning lotteries, or making millions on the stock market. Things will not turn out fine just because you wish them to do so. The universe does not give a fig what your intentions are, or what you believe will happen. If you do not give suitable attention to a worst-case scenario, if you do not consider the results of getting hit full-force with every single side effect we mention, then you are a fool and deserve everything that happens.

Think long and hard about this. Pay more attention to the negative reactions others have had, than the positive tales you hear. Go into this assuming that every single side effect will hit you, and hit you hard.

It's your life. You only get one. Proceed at your peril.

Here there be dragons.

IE

After you posted your thread last night, I did my utmost best to locate and hire a crowd of angry, eastern-european vilagers complete with pitchforks, fiery torches, attack dogs and a few men with buckets of tar and bags of feathers. Alas, they were all in use...it seems the new Universal Studios was re-filming Frankenstein # 23 and needed them as extras.

As I told you when you first previewed the article for me, I consider the above statement, not only to be factual, but one of the best writings you have ever done. It's honest and hard hitting. It should be preresquisite reading to anyone considering any type of permament genital modifications.