Priorities

[Studlover (imported)]

Dear Friends and Family,

Get your priorities in order as you prepare

for the twelve day Christmas Feast. The

following just came in, enjoy!

Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on

a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas

spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.

Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.

Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even

rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other

time of year but now. So drink up! Get a refill; get two!

Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?

It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic

or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me.

Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole

point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.

Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with

gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with

skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. If there's no butter,

why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic

transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an

effort to control your eating. The whole point of going

to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for

free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between

now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you

have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps,

which you'll need after circling the buffet table while

carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,

like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,

position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many

as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're

like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,

you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice

of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples

and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get

to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with

the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. It

may even be soaked in rum or whiskey. But avoid it; I mean,

have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave

the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying

attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just

around the corner.