Truthful Sayings

[Studlover (imported)]

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks and attorneys at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

Some Great Truths About Life:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the taste.

ONCE UPON A TIME.....

Once upon a time... Alexander the Great was just Alexander a medocire run of the mill general.

He tried hard but usually arrived at the battle too early or too late (since watches and clocks haven't been invented.) He appeared to be doomed to obscurity until bright Hebrew lad, "Herbie" of Macedonia... made a suggestion that changed history...

"Sire.," Herbie say timidly, " I have puttering about with diverse rare earth's and chemical substances. I have not yet uncovered the secret of transformation base metals into gold, but I HAVE discovered some phenomena that might be of use in our military endevors."

"A new weapon?"

"No sire, A simple device that will enable your eminence to accuratery assertain the proper moment for our armies to arrive upon the scene. It worked out quite well until TIMEX is invented.

"Very intresting.......... Tell me more."

"Well, you will take this scrap of cloth, dip it into this special liquid dye, and tie it around your wrist. As we march along in the heat of the day, the liquid gradually evaporates, causing the cloth to slowly change color at a highly pedictable rate. providing an accurate gauge of how many hours have passed."

Alexander adopted the idea............ ( TAKING FULL CREDIT) and went on to greatness and immorrality, and this invention made it possible !!!!!

The piece of cloth that changed the world??????

It has henceforth been refered to as...........................

AEXANADER'S RAG TIME BAND !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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(Now how 'bout that???)

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