Concerning my cats
Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2003 10:27 am
Dear Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two cats in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
years, feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats butt or lick
your own. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets:
1. The cats live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a cat. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called or at least
acknowledge that you have called by lifting an ear or something to let
you know they have heard you, never drive your car, don't hang out
with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell
the kitties.
Have you hugged your cat today???
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two cats in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help,
because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of cats sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also
know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out
the other end to maximize space used is nothing but kitty sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for
years, feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cats butt or lick
your own. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple
change for you.
Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our
pets:
1. The cats live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want cat hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my cats a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, she's a cat. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, sometimes come when called or at least
acknowledge that you have called by lifting an ear or something to let
you know they have heard you, never drive your car, don't hang out
with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about
buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell
the kitties.
Have you hugged your cat today???
And that was so obvious!
