A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first

time her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have.

She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are the God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks, "Did he say

anything about the dead branch they're hanging from"?

================================================== =====================

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address,

social security number, etc. and then asks..."What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's

try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states,

"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

================================================== ==============================

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor

declare,

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,

"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

================================================== ============================

Indian wisdom

An old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the

ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview

him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed the white man

for 90years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You

have seen his progress and the damage he has done."

The Chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering

all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and

calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

No taxes.

No debt.

Plenty buffalo.

Plenty beaver.

Women! did all the work.

Medicine man free.

Indian brave spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making

love to women.

The Chief leaned back and smiled,

"White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

================================================== ============================

----- WHY MEN NEED GOOD LAWYERS

A DINNER CONVERSATION WOMAN:

What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you live with her in our house?

MAN: Well, probably, it is paid for.

WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?

MAN: No, she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - -

MAN: Oh, shit.

================================================== ==========

I knew it, I knew it.

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E

2% Aspirin

2% Ibuprofen

1% Vitamin C

5% Spray Starch

87% Fix-A-Flat

================================================== ==========

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and

shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out of here!!"

================================================== ==========================

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said,

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's

House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the

offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

================================================== ============================

Betty and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained

that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather

small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should

solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the

middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Betty replied. "The rest are for your father."

================================================== ============================

The mother of a 15-year-old boy was concerned that her son was having sex. Worried that the boy

might cause his girlfriend to become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she

consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any

attempt to stop the boy would probably result in rebellion.

He then told her to arrange for her son's girlfriend to be put on birth control and until then, talk

to him and

give him a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her son was preparing for a date, the woman told him about the situation and

handed him a box of condoms. The boy started to laugh and reached over to hug his mother saying, "Oh

Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Jordan!"

================================================== =============================

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of

course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest,

"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute, I thought I'd gone deaf

================================================== ==============================

Quick, before it starts!

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the

TV and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She

looked at him a bit puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he

again said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she

looked a little angry, but brought him another beer. When it was gone, he said,

"Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!!" She blew her top. "You bastard, you waltz in here, flop your

fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around

like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron

all day long?"

The husband sighed, "It's started."

================================================== ========================

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting

in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his

day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream.

The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me,

tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make

me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow,

that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your

holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better

gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man.

The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve of the piano

player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing,"

said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your

gun."

The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun,

handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the

old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass,

and it won't hurt as much."

================================================== ======================================

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect,

decided to check out the local nearby brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm

sorry it isn't." Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80.00 and

the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more

equitable, hopefully unionized shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir,

this is a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80.00 and the

house gets $20." That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. ! > He handed the Madam $100.00, looked

around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to a

65 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

================================================== =========================================

An elderly lady is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a Scotch with two drops

of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th

birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the lady to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too."

The elderly matron says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like

to buy you one also. The lady says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two

drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two

drops of water?"

The 80 year old replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water,

however, is a whole other issue."

================================================== ======

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and

sees a circus banner reading: "Don't Miss The Amazing

Texan."

Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly,

trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There,

spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on

it. Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy.

Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge

penis and smashes all three walnuts with a mighty swing!

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried

off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and

he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same:

"Don't Miss the Amazing Texan."

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still

doing his act! So he buys a ticket.

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of

walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan

stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes

the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a

meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible," he

tells the Texan. "But I have to know something. You're older

now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well, says the Texan: "My eyes aren't what they used to be.

Y'all have a super week now.