A concerned citizen wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a Taliban captive taken during the Afghanistan war, and currently being held at the Navy base in Guantanamo, Cuba. Below is an example of the administration's new standard reply.
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. My administration takes these matters very seriously, and I just want you to know that your opinion was heard loud and clear here at the White House. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility For Killers" program, or LARK, for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place just one Al Qaeda terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud, whom you can just call Ahmed, is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are > > commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter. Ahmed generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains. Ahmed washes his clothes simultaneously, which should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage, "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him to overcome these overstated character flaws. We urge you to feel free to embrace him at will. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. For instance, Ahmed will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask Ahmed to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. Ahmed is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless, in your opinion, this might offend him. Specifically, keep him away from fertilizer & fuel oil. Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters, except sexually, since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, Ahmed will be eager to assist with the education of your sons. Have available for their use several copies of the Koran. Oh, and rest assured Ahmed absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than two or three days dead. Pigs are out. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who quite obviously know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. No need for thanks, just a service & function of the wider government help programs you've been such a strong proponent of all these years.
Don't be concerned that the federal officials have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. After all, the federal officials are really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right? Thank you again for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. Please, take good care of Ahmed. And remember, we'll be watching.
Arise.....Kill......Eat.... Acts 10:13 BRIAN
River