Yes, I suppose I am shy but I've lived in a big confortable closet for a long time. It's really cosy here with nothing to trouble me. I lived there for I was alone. There was no one else like me. At least not many. The odd one turned up in the tabloids now and again. Their treatment made me fit a few more locks to the closet door. It wasn't a guy thing.

And I didn't want that to happen to me.

I peeked out now and again to pick up the odd bit of clothes or make up when my closet landed far from home. But generally I kept it firmly shut. Tough guy. Liked strip clubs or so the guys tought. Sex mad even. Liked to talk to and look at the ladies. Friends and ladies thought I was doing the old guy thing but I was studying "the way she looked, the way she walked and the colour of her hair". You know why. God! why would anyone talk to a guy anyway if he had the chance for some real conversation. I suppose I was good at conversation. The ladies liked it and I have many female friends. They tend to be life's wounded for I am a good listener a loyal friend and good to know when you need help and generally I've been around long enough to have made a lot of mistakes and know whats what.

I could have hidden Las Vagas.

Never looked after my body much. Didn't feel any sense of ownership. I had some bits I never asked for and missed a few I wanted. Went through the usual agonies. Wanted to die a bit... well actually a lot really. But I too much of a woman for the nastiness of suicide. But I suppose I just doing it slowly.......... Beer and cigs...

Married for love. A good woman. She tried to understand but she is still a bit confused. I suppose I've been a lesbien all my life anyway. still love her and she still loves me. For the first few years with her I thought I was cured. (I didn't say I was a rocket scientist.) However there is no such thing....... Some thing always happens to awaken what lies within. It's worse then drink and cigarettes.

Now I'm here and I suppose you'll have to live with me. I've a wicked sense of humour. Like to butt f--- sacred cows. Always did. But there is no harm in me. I've always looked at life from a different point of view. For that is who and what I am. You see things a bit differently through the keyhole in the closet door.

The closet is crowded now. Full of clothes, make up and lots of stuff I never had before. There's more like me then I tought. Some day the closet will burst. But as I've said all my life " what the hell". We'll deal with that when it happens. At least I'm not alone any more.

Orchard i am glad you finalley found us for we here on the archive are more common than most think .But people like to hide in thair closets and thay never know who is outside of them so thay think thay are alone .Orchard i am a christian others are atheist and gay tg and whatever but we all care about everyone here so welcome aboard.

Orchard:

Welcome to the club! :balsmilie

"...

Orchard (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 22, 2003 4:39 pm and I suppose you'll have to live with me.

"

From the way you say it I don't think this will be hard to bear.



gus

Orchard,

You are not alone. Your story is one that many share, I was once like you. My closet has been opened now, your's may be someday also. It will not go away, no matter how hard we try. We live in denial until we succome to the truth. We are what we are, but there is hope. The closet makes us feel secure and safe when we are in there. It's going to be hard to unlock that door, but if you do, you will find a wonderful new life to explore and cherish.

Welcome to the Archive.

haltlos (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 23, 2003 9:19 am Orchard:

Welcome to the club! :balsmilie

"...

Orchard (imported) wrote: Wed Jul 23, 2003 9:19 am 0]
and I suppose you'll have to live with me.

"

From the way you say
[/quote]
it I don't think this will be hard to bear.



gus

You haven't had to read my poetry yet.

sag111 (imported) wrote: Tue Jul 22, 2003 10:43 pm Orchard i am glad you finalley found us for we here on the archive are more common than most think .But people like to hide in thair closets and thay never know who is outside of them so thay think thay are alone .Orchard i am a christian others are atheist and gay tg and whatever but we all care about everyone here so welcome aboard.

I operate strictly by the rules of the bar. I don't usually talk about religion, politics or women. I suppose in religious terms I'm an agnostic. That's a don't know rather then a don't care. Spent a lot of my youth agonising over whether there is or there isn't a god but I realised that belief in God is good for people if they need it. I don't make a point of trying to steal the confort of God from anyone anymore. As to being gay I'm currently straight but if I ever have a sex change I'll be gay. So I tend to be fairly tolerant.

Anyway thanks for the welcome. If I get out of line let me know....

Regards

Orchard

Orchard you're not alone God no.

I too am that way, been in a closet for nearly 47 long years. I too have always wanted to be a Girl, At one time about 15 years ago I even became a Christian. I walked the walk for some 3 years then those feelings came back as strong as ever. I went from loving God to questioning whether he even exists. I look at a women and think Oh how lucky you are to have been born a girl. Then at myself I look and cringe and despair sets in. But I go on. I believe in reincarnation, and thats the hope I cling to. There are so many good people around and thats what keeps me going. Right here on this website is a whole family for us.

Keep your fire burning and your hopes alive.

Iwtbaw

Update on Orchard

It's been a interesting few months since I first wrote this. Living the lie became a bit too much to bear. I really hit rock bottom a few times. I was ready to end it a couple of times. However I met an old friend sensed something was wrong and talked to me. I was honest for the first time in my life. He pointed me in the right direction so I'm off to see a psychotherapist in the next few weeks. I opened the closet door to some of my close friends and that wasn't bad. Sometimes you need to let people love you. They mostly did and those that didn't don't really matter anyway. A couple of weeks ago I stood on the roadway wondering what I was feeling. I can't describe it. I think it was feeling like a human being for the first time in my life.

I should also have said that people here and in other sites gave me the strenght to go on. Knowing you're not alone is help beyond measure.

Thanks to you all. I wish you all the best.

Orchard (imported) wrote: Wed Dec 31, 2003 1:44 pm I should also have said that people here and in other sites gave me the strenght to go on. Knowing you're not alone is help beyond measure.

Thanks to you all. I wish you all the best.

That is such wonderful news Orchard, I am so happy for you. And yes we are all here for you.

Me, I am still in the closet and don't see myself out of it anytime soon, although I have just made the appointment to see a GID Therapist next week. So we'll see how that goes.