GEORGE W. BUSH: We do not really care why

the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know

if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Either

the chicken is with us or it is against us. There is no

middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now at the left of the screen, you

clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing

the road . . .

HANZ BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a

chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access

to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador): The chicken

did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication.

We do not even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of

rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons

of nerve gas on it.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I do not know why the chicken

crossed the road, but I will bet it was getting a government

grant to cross the road, and I will bet someone out there

is already forming a support group to help chickens

with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this?

How much more of this can real Americans take?

Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars,

and when I say tax dollars, I am talking about your money,

money the government took from you to build roads for

chickens to cross.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the original

side of the road had been polluted by unchecked

industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the

unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because

it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called to warn me which

way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the

farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped

to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider

information.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't

it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of

your face? The chicken was going to the "other side."

That is what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends,

that chicken is gay. In addition, if you eat that chicken, you

will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until

we sort out the abomination that the liberal media white-

washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT

chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you

define chicken, please?

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?