After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a

"gripe sheet", which conveys to the mechanics problems

encountered with the aircraft during the flight that

need repair or correction. The mechanics read and

correct the problem, and then respond in writing on

the lower half of the form what remedial action was

taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before

the next flight. Never let it be said that ground

crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are

some ALLEDGED logged maintenance complaints and problems

as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution

recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas

is the only major airline that has never had an

accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost ! needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet

per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be

serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds

like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.