And still more

[colin (imported)]

End of the world?

On a road through a desert in Arizona, a preacher named Nathaniel Evans walked every day, preaching to the many people who roared past in their cars.

"Repent, the End of the World is Nigh!" was his constant theme.

One day, as he was walking, he came to a big lever in the middle of nowhere, just by the side of the road. 'Pull this to end the world' said the sign on it.

Now Nathaniel saw this as the perfect spot for him to preach, and soon many automobiles were parked nearby, the people all swayed by his powerful elocution.

All was well, until there were so many people, and so many cars, that the road was nearly blocked. Then a big 18-wheel rig came down the highway, and couldn't stop in time. The driver had a choice: run over Nathaniel, or run over the Lever.

As the driver explained to the Highway Patrol later, he actually had no choice. Pointing to the red smear on the road that used to be Nathaniel Evans, he said "Better Nate than Lever."

Split Personality

I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen. One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.

The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...

The Original Shaggy-Dog-Story

In the days of yore, a knight was on his way to do something terribly important, riding his horse into the ground to get to his destination as fast as possible.

After being ridden too hard for too long, his horse became lame, and seeing a small town ahead he headed straight for the stables there.

"I must have a horse!" he cried "The life of the King depends upon it!"

The stablekeeper shook his head. "I have no horses," he said. "They have all been taken in the service of your King."

"You must have something - a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?" the knight asked.

"Nothing..... unless.... no, I couldn't"

The knight's eyes lit up. "Tell me!"

The stablekeeper leads the knight into the stable. Inside is a dog, but no ordinary dog. This dog is a giant, almost as large as the horse the knight was riding. But it is also the filthiest, shaggiest, smelliest, mangiest dog that the knight has ever seen.

Swallowing, the knight said "I'll take it. Where is the saddle?"

The stablekeeper walked over to a saddle near the dog and started gasping for breath, holding the walls to keep himself upright. "I can't do it." he told the knight.

"You must give me the dog!" cried the knight. "Why can't you?"

The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

Insect Assault

One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Party Goer

There was once a man who had been to a fancy dress party. It was a good party, a little too good and now the man was staggering along the road in full 16th century costume complete with a plastic rapier.

A passing policeman saw him and arrested him for being drunk & disorderly. On arrival at the station, the party goer was so drunk that they could not get any sense out of him, so they put him into the cell to sober up.

In the morning, the policeman went to get him and was amazed to find the cell completely empty. But the door was still locked!

When he got back to the desk, the Sergeant asked where the prisoner was, and the policemen explained that he had escaped. The Sergeant was incredulous. “How could a drunk get out of the cell without opening the door?”, he asked and received the reply “Sword through the bars!”