Feeling mean again.

[colin (imported)]

For those of you who do not speak English (like Americans) (now I've done it), a little translation:

English = American

Chips = French Fries

Crisps = Chips

Ok, now read on.

Strike!

Due to poor annual profit management at the local crisp factory in the north of England decided to bring in new practices and methods of work.

Part of the manufacturing process involved the transportation of the crisps around the factory in purpose made metal bins. Ever since anyone could remember the materials for the bins had been supplied by a local sheet metal manufacturer with final construction of the bins carried out by the workers within the factory. The bins were hand crafted with neatly soldered seams they were a true work of art.

As a cost saving measure management made the decision to replace the costly hand crafted bins with cheaper ready made plastic bins. Not only would material costs be reduced but also staff levels within the factory could be reduced

This proposal angered both the workers within the factory and the local union. A vote was taken and strike action was unanimously agreed. As part of the action a locally rally was organised with a march taking place from the factory to the rally.

To lift the workers spirits as they marched with their banners they sang…….

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Yes you guessed it.

Onward Crisp Bin Solderers.

Did you know?

 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

 What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 A backwards poet writes inverse.

 In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

 She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

 With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

 Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A- flat minor.

 When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

 Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

 He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

 Every calendar's days are numbered.

 A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

 A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

 A plateau is a high form of flattery.

 The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

 Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

 Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

 When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

 Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

 Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Kathryn or Edith?

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith.

Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.

The moral of the story:

You can't have your Kate and Edith too!

Chased by Death

A man was walking home alone late one night past a cemetery, when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him. Walking faster he looks back and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP.....

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him... faster... faster.... BUMP.... BUMP..... BUMP...... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with its lid clapping ..... clappity-BUMP .... clappity-BUMP ....... clappity - BUMP ..... on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the bathroom door, bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something - anything, but all he can find is a box of cough drops!!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the casket.........

and of course..............

Are you ready ?

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Here it comes...

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They stop the coffin!

Moishe Plotnik

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

"Moishe Plotnik?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Moishe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?'

He say, 'Moishe Plotnik.'

Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'

I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

Gambling

A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?". The guy asks "What's it all about?" The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint"

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The guy replies, "No I don't think so, the steaks are too high."