REALIZATIONS!!

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it...so I said

"Implants?"

I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up

fast.

I have my own little world. But it's OK... they know me here.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get

elected.

The most precious thing we have is life..... Yet it has absolutely no

trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.

One of the things about being married. It's so great to find that one

special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me

lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I

have stayed alive.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits

on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president, and 50 for

Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't

pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"