WAR...USA vs. FRANCE

[Studlover (imported)]

Now...children! children! this is getting silly!!!

BFN

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Subject: France

State Dept. 'Warning' on France Monday, Feb. 17, 2003

State Department's latest assessment of travel to the Republic of

France:

Because France plans to veto a UN Security Council Resolution aimed

at liberating Iraq, the following advisory for American travelers

heading for France has been issued. It was compiled by the U.S.

Department of State from information provided by the CIA, U.S. Chamber of

Commerce, Lady Margaret Thatcher, the FBI, Food Channel, Centers for

Disease Control, Fox News, and very expensive spy satellites the French

don't even know about. This guide contains insensitive information For

Your Eyes Only.

OVERVIEW: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the

continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community,

though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany,

Spain, Switzerland and several smaller "nations" of no particular

consequence and inferior shopping. France is an old country with many

treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to

western civilization: Camembert cheese, champagne, truffles, and the

guillotine.

France postures as a modern, cutting-edge nation; in reality,

air-conditioning is rare, personal under-arm deodorants are unheard of,

and decent Mexican food cannot be found. Exasperating for typically

respectful American visitors is the fact that the French people stubbornly

still speak only French, although many will use passable English if

threatened physically. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all

times.

PEOPLE: France has 54 million French persons, most of whom drink and

smoke heavily, drive helter-skelter, are dangerously oversexed, and have

no concept of standing patiently in line. The French are gloomy,

temperamental, proud, arrogant, loof, and undisciplined--and those are

their good points. Most French profess to be Roman Catholic, an amusing

anomaly if one considers their behavior. Many also are Communists. Topless

sunbathing is common among the numerous flat-chested women. Men, even if

not wearing thongs in public, often have girls' names like Yves and Marie,

and ardently will kiss each other when handing out medals.

American visitors should travel in groups and wear baseball caps and

colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

SAFETY: France usually is safe to visit, although travelers are advised

that periodically it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French

surrender promptly and, other than a temporary shortage of Scotch and

increased difficulty in obtaining baseball scores and stock-market prices,

life for visitors generally goes on as if nothing has occurred. A tunnel

under the English Channel connecting France and Britain has been opened in

recent years to make it easier for the entire government to flee to

London.

HISTORY: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages

(before there was even a Texas or United States). Other important

historic figures are Louis XIV (pronounced "14th"), born-again

Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, and Charles de Gaulle, who was

president for many years and is now an airport.

GOVERNMENT: The French form of government is wildly democratic.

Elections are conducted continuously, and invariably result in a runoff.

For administrative efficiency, the nation is subdivided into regions,

departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, zip codes, communes,

villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

Parliament has two chambers, Upper and Lower (inexplicably, both are on

the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or Communists,

neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's only roles are 1) to set off

atomic bombs in the South Pacific, then 2) be indignant when anyone

complains.

U.S. intelligence indicates the current president answers

to "Jacques" (his "s" is silent).

CULTURE: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is

difficult to understand why. All their songs sound the same, their

dancing is violent, and their movies are worthless except for the

nude scenes, provided you like to watch effeminate men and ambivalent

women chain-smoking on a garish bed. Gallic architecture is pure copycat,

and all poems and novels are inexplicably in French.

CUISINE: No matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is still a

slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, though, are excellent, but

nearly impossible for Americans to pronounce. Travelers should stick to

the well-done cheeseburgers and so-called "French" fries at leading hotels

such as Holiday Inn.

As to drinking water, France bottles dirty melted snow under the

label of Evian and sells it to Americans for the same price as

high-octane gas. "Evian" spelled backwards is "naive."

ECONOMY: France has a large and diversified economy, second in Europe only

to Germany's. This is surprising because French people hardly ever work.

If not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and

blocking roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports,

in ascending order of importance to its pro-peace economy, are geese,

attack aircraft, perfume, guided missiles, pornography, high-tech guns,

wine, grenade launchers, ugly Citroen cars, land mines, lace, combat

knives, cheese, nuclear weapons, condoms, and 139,745 personal military

and petrochemical advisers to Saddam Hussein.

HOLIDAYS: France has more days off than any other nation in the

world--704 every 365-day year. National holidays include 197 days for

saints, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54

Return of General Charles de Gaulle in Triumph as if He Won World Two

Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called

Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is

Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are Peaceful Nuclear Bomb Day, the

Feast of Brigitte Bardot Day, and National Guillotine Day.

CONCLUSION: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque landscape,

lovely towns, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice

country if it weren't inhabited by French people.

WARNING: Consular services of the U.S. government are intended primarily

to promote business abroad. In the event, however, you are the victim of a

crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report any

Tuesday to the American Embassy between 5:20 and 5:25 a.m., and a consular

official (a French local who is supremely attuned to your plight) will

give you a list of qualified dentists or taxidermists.

Remember, no one ordered you to visit France. Loyal Americans

vacation in Miami Beach, and we advise you to do the same. Good luck,

mazeltov, buena suerte--or even bon chance, if you insist on speaking

French..