The French
Posted: Fri Feb 28, 2003 7:04 am
Looks like French jokes may replace Polish & blonde jokes for the
decade.
*****************
From Canard, France's weekly anti-American newspaper:
"France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.
Reason: Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army
garrison to surrender."
*******************
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
- Donald Rumsfeld - Actually this was a Ross Perot quote during the
first gulf war.
******************
If you want to get France involved in a war with Iraq, you must first
convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.
- Comedian on the Tonight Show
***********
Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in
the air?
A: The French army, of course."
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows & No French man has ever tried.
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy....
Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?
A: Bisexual.
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.
A: It's a white cross on a white background
Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.
Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from
behind.
************
Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam
Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France,
either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against
Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
************
In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the line of
fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to
his HQ.
The officer said: I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your life
to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.
Warehouses?said the soldier. Sacre bleu! I thought you said whorehouses.
*************
Jay Leno, a few summers ago:
"France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French
government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing".
You know, like they did in WWII...."
*********
In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of
NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil
President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk:
Ask him about the cemeteries Dean!
So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove
all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldier
buried in France from World War I and World War II.
DeGaulle never answered.
******************
Something to ponder:
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a
meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it
will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is
large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth
forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send
all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the
ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to
fight
the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you
stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or
tape it and watch it in the morning?
*****************
Come on now. Give the French a break. After all they did win the French
Revolutionary War
.... but then again they were fighting the French.
************************************************** *********************
decade.
*****************
From Canard, France's weekly anti-American newspaper:
"France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.
Reason: Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army
garrison to surrender."
*******************
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
- Donald Rumsfeld - Actually this was a Ross Perot quote during the
first gulf war.
******************
If you want to get France involved in a war with Iraq, you must first
convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.
- Comedian on the Tonight Show
***********
Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in
the air?
A: The French army, of course."
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows & No French man has ever tried.
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy....
Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?
A: Bisexual.
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.
A: It's a white cross on a white background
Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: What's the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.
Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from
behind.
************
Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam
Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France,
either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against
Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
************
In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his
commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the line of
fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to
his HQ.
The officer said: I'm recommending you for a medal for risking your life
to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.
Warehouses?said the soldier. Sacre bleu! I thought you said whorehouses.
*************
Jay Leno, a few summers ago:
"France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French
government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing".
You know, like they did in WWII...."
*********
In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of
NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil
President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk:
Ask him about the cemeteries Dean!
So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove
all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldier
buried in France from World War I and World War II.
DeGaulle never answered.
******************
Something to ponder:
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a
meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it
will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is
large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth
forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send
all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the
ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to
fight
the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you
stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or
tape it and watch it in the morning?
*****************
Come on now. Give the French a break. After all they did win the French
Revolutionary War
.... but then again they were fighting the French.
************************************************** *********************