Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried

before.

Plan to be spontaneous... tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple car payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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