Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy

all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy: Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.

How about I send you a f***ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm

giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell. Santa

********************

Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year,and the only thing I ask for

is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

*********************

Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like

for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in

a hurricane. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa

*********************

Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left

carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my

face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a

bottle

of scotch. Single malt. Santa

*********************

Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy

making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas,

where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by

drinking myself silly while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you

wanted to

know.

Santa

*********************

Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please

PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy

Dear Timmy: That whiny begging shit may work with your folks, but that

crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater. Again. Santa

*********************

Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into

our house? Love, Marky

Mark: First, stop calling yourself "Marky" - that's why you're getting your

ass kicked daily at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live

in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all

the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa